Using Trump-Speak on Your Children

I have seen people answering questions and making statements in Trump-speak all over the Internet and I have decided this is brilliant idea to use on my children! I mean, if he appeals so widely to the uneducated, then my kids are the perfect audience. From now on whatever my kids ask me, I am answering in Trump-speak.

“Mom, what’s for dinner?”

Well, let me tell you about dinner. Everyone keeps asking me about dinner. People love my dinners. I make the best dinners. And we will have dinner. It will be great, the best dinner ever. People keep saying to me “We need dinner!” and I say I hear you! I am the best dinner maker ever and we WILL have dinner! And you will love this dinner.

“I got a D on my math test.”

Listen, you are just being a loser, okay? You are a loser. We need winners. We need to be great again. You are not doing the best, you are not making us the great again. I’m tired of losers, okay? We need some victories, get it? Winners! If you can’t be a winner– D’s are loser grades, okay — then you just need to get out of our family and don’t come back. There are other families that will take losers, but not us. We will build a wall around this house –it will be huge! –And you and all the other losers can just stay out! And you will need to get a job so you can pay for this wall. It’s a “no losers allowed” wall, okay? You hear me?

“Mom, I need some money.”

Everyone is unemployed! There is — what? –100% unemployment around here? 1000%? I don’t even know, okay. We don’t know. But I am the best job creator, everyone knows that. I have taken polls and everyone says I am the best. You will be happy with the chores I create for you, okay? China is afraid of the jobs I can create, I’m telling you. You aren’t gonna make much money at my jobs because we have to compete with Kazakhstan, with Mauritania, to do these chores. I mean, there are people everywhere who would be happy to clean your room for less money than you want and no health insurance either! But I am creating jobs everyday! I am very rich, so I know how to do this.

“Mom, can I have a friend over after school?”

Look, these people can’t keep coming over here. We don’t know anything about these people. Who is screening these people? No one, that’s who. We just need to shut this down right now. Until we know what is going on around here, no one can come. No one. They are not sending the best kids, the best mailman, or the best garbage man here. No they are not. The ban needs to remain in effect until we know what these people want, what games they want to play, what snacks they want to eat. Only I can keep us all safe. No one will mess with me, let me tell you. We will be safe again and people will love me for it.

“Mom, I need some new socks”

Listen, you cannot just go out and buy socks. You need a good negotiator to get the best deal on socks. I am the best negotiator. I will get the socks for everyone and I will get the best deal on socks. Not just the best deal today, the best deal ever! Target will lose. People love me because I’m not afraid to win. I will win socks for this family because I am the best.

“Mom, you don’t make any sense.”

Listen, I’m just telling it like it really is. You don’t know-people who listen to me, they know. You need to listen. You are better off with me. I’m the best. Without me what will you have? People love me. Other people, smart people. We get along perfectly. I’m perfect. If I leave, you will be stuck with Kayne West. You don’t want that, do you? I have won awards, I am so rich, and people love me. I’m the best.

 

What are we talking about again?

(Photo credit: Buzzfeed)

 

About the author

Melissa Morritt Coble

Melissa Morritt Coble

Melissa Coble is a mom living in Phoenix, Arizona just
trying to survive the teenage years with a lot of laughs,
an occasional rant, and copious amounts of wine. You can
find her counting the days until her nest is empty on her blog An Unfit Parent and on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
Facebooking at

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  • Hi Melissa and Bluntmoms, I’m a psychoanalyst and child psychiatrist trying to make sense out of the confluence between the insides of our heads and the world around us. Fortunately I don’t have to worry about explaining our poster-boy-for-pathological-narcissism President (!!!) to my children, who are young adults, but I do wonder how parents of younger children will do it. I was just working on a poem entitled, “The Terrifying, Earth-Quaking, Id-Shaking Revolutionary Trumptown Blues, when I googled “Trump-speak.” Enjoying your hilarious post almost compensates me for my disappointment that you beat me to the invention of this term by at least ten months. Were you channeling Orwell’s 1984? If you want to see my own Trump-obsessed posts, take a look at my website Boomspring. I’m a psychoanalyst and child psychiatrist trying to make sense out of the confluence between the insides of our heads and the world around us. Thank you for brightening my morning!