All right, all right first of all I just want to say that we are all grownups here, and if a discussion of the grotesquely normal practice of pooping is bothersome to you then kindly clickety-click away and continue looking for the perfect Spring tunic on Pinterest.
For the rest of you that have stayed with me, I just wanted to give a little shoutout to Big 2 for teaching us Moms (and Dads) just how much functional adulting/parenting it is possible to do while sitting on the great porcelain throne. Perhaps you have the stomach flu, IBS or simply just forgot that you are almost 35 and a wild night of margaritas and hot sauce should be left in the “Bad Choices” bucket where they belong. Either way, here you sit.
Here are some things you might learn:
1. They say you do your best thinking here: There is that age old joke about doing your best thinking on the potty and it is probably true. I find when I am on the throne my head is positively aflutter with new ideas, dreams for the future and the perfect clapback for that asshole who was condescending towards me in 10th grade. You better believe if I run into that fucker again I will be MORE than ready. I am also ready for the 47 hundred questions my kid needs to ask me this second about ducks, monkey trees and neighbourhood insects.
2. This is a perfectly decent place to break up an argument- Sister stole Brother’s toy, but it was actually Sister’s toy to begin with. Blah blah blah life isn’t fair. Just like Samson in the biblical times of old I sit, perched wisely upon my throne. I pass down judgement with fair and thoughtful consideration. Just kidding, I confiscate the toy. I am now holding a VTech Drumset while I do business.
3. There is never a bad time for a hug… and a kiss. Apparently.- This must be the mantra that lives in your child’s tender heart as he showers you with affection… I love you too kid… but please… go away.
4. Having the door closed is living dangerously- Sometimes you just want some privacy and to avoid the hugs, questions and constant requests to settle arguments. However let’s face it your children were put on this Earth to do some fucking damage and there is no time like the present to toss the house while the zookeeper is not looking. You are left needing to choose between vigilance/ keeping them alive and the sweet siren call of a little fucking privacy. You do a mental tally and realize that hey, 3 kids means you have spares and can afford a lil’ restroom vacay. Good thing your math is on point because of where you are doing your thinking.
So here’s to you number two! Thank you for showing me I can be a totally functional parent while segregated and seated in one place.
Bonus points if you read this on the john.
Mandi Em is the Content Creator for Healthy Living for Hot Messes, a website that aims to put honesty and relatability into health, parenting and everyday life. Mandi can usually be found whining about her kids on Twitter , and posting pics of her food and nonsense on Facebook and Instagram.