The Grooming Guide for Lazy Btches

Through the ages, women have been expected to live up to rigorous and ridiculous standards of beauty. We should always be grooming and looking our best, have zero hair on our bodies and juggle an insane routine of expensive products to remain forever young. Keeping up with health and beauty trends is daunting and most mothers I know have very little time to spare- who the fuck has time for all of this?

Over the years, I’ve developed a routine that keeps me looking and feeling good. It’s low-maintenance, low cost and even the weariest of women can stick with it. Take heart and enjoy these useful health and beauty hacks for the everyday woman.

Moustache Removal 

The idea of a female shaving her face invokes images of a manly woman with facial hair black as night and thicker than a ham hock. The image of a woman with a robust beard to rival a lumberjack inspires fear and loathing. Let me assure you, this is bullshit and it’s time to debunk this outdated myth.

Years ago, a friend admitted to me that she shaves her face in the shower. I gasped and zeroed in on her chin, searching for signs of a 5 o’clock shadow. There was nothing but pristine and glowing skin; I was confounded. She assured me that her face was as soft as a baby’s ass, and so I followed suit.

To date, my shower always ends with a good shave; I lather my upper lip and abolish my lady-stache with ruthless and thorough abandon. Waxing be dammed. I’m never going back. 

The Whore’s Bath 

Anyone who says they haven’t partaken in a whore’s bath is lying. Life is complicated, life is busy, and no one blames your vagina for needing a fresher-upper. It’s not at all uncommon for a lady’s crotch to sweat buckets, and as you can imagine, bitch needs a shower. The busy woman has no time for a shower in the middle of the day and so a baby wipe or 2 will freshen your cootch and put a spring in your step.

This brilliant technique is useful for butts and armpits as well. 

Coconut Oil 

As you already know, coconut oil has 1,423,654 uses. It’s more than amazing- it’s a fucking miracle sent from the tropical gods. Just buy yourself a vat of this miraculous matter and the sky’s the limit. You can use it for practically anything, but to get you started, here are my favorites:

-Use as “moisturizer” for “meditation”. (That is code for masturbation.)

-Replace expensive lotions and apply liberally to your skin. Ignore the oil stains on your clothing or sheets. The smell is so dreamy you’ll not give one blazing fuck.

-Slather a hefty glob into your hair, massaging it in. Once you wash it out, you might look like Danny and Kenickie from Grease, but your hair will be soft as shit.

Hair Removal 

Professional bush grooming is the bitch-ass cousin of face waxing and the bane of every woman’s existence. As a logical and lazy-ish woman, I can’t be bothered to pay someone to stare into bowels of my vagina and torture me for no good reason. My husband’s beard clippers are ideal for getting rid of unruly pubic hair; just sit backwards on the toilet and buzz your beav down to a manageable length and BOOM, done.

Some dislike the aftermath; pubes tend to drift and fly to and fro, missing the mark of the toilet and making clean-up an arduous task. What’s that you say? “Ewwwwwww!” Well guess what? I paid zero fucking dollars to get a tight-ass trim on my hair-down there and imma take my $75 and buy me some shoes.

The guide to lazy self-care isn’t for everyone. Some might even be repulsed. No matter. It works for me and I look and feel pretty damn good. Just add a pair of yoga pants, as messy bun and you’ve got the complete package.