Dance Carpooling is Killing Me

I’m a Dance Mom of 3. I could not live without my multi-family, color-coded carpool schedule to shuttle my lovelies and their fellow dancers to and from their combined 23 hours of dance classes per week.

Also you should know, my kids think I’m allergic to noise, my husband is convinced I have may have Misophonia. I think I’m misunderstood, I just like it quiet. Let me introduce you to the cast of characters that just may kill the carpool or me:

Stop #1) Crinkly Water Bottle Girl. She climbs in, disposable water bottle in hand and I already start feeling anxious. I know what’s coming, so I turn up the tunes in an attempt to drown out the loud crinkle of plastic with every sip. (Untwist cap, suck in with loud crinkle, un-crinkle bottle, twist cap back on, repeat) Although the radio helps, Crinkly Water Bottle Girl then rhythmically squeezes the bottle to beat of the music. The only thing worse is when she is totally off beat. I knew, I should have said yes to meds, I really thought I could tough this out.

Stop #2) Needs-a-Tissue-Girl. You know, chronically dripping, stuffy nose. N’er a tissue in hand. No need to worry, I’ve got a jumbo sized box of Puffs just under the console. “Hey, if anyone needs a tissue, they are right there on the floor”. No takers. “Hey Suzie, do you need a tissue?” Suzie, “Nah, I’m good”. Help me Jesus.

Stop #3) Forgotten-Girl: Mom forgot to add her to the carpool. Hey, I’m not judging, I have a “Forgotten Third” as well, and as any mother of 3 knows, that bonus baby makes logistics damn near impossible. It’s all good, we can put someone on the floor, it’s a short distance and no one will know, pinky swear. Just please, please, don’t play loud videos on your phone while the radio is on and the rest of the van is rockin out to Uptown Funk. We may just crash, then I’d have some splainin’ to do, Lucy.

Stop #4) Snack Girl. Always, always, without fail, gets in the van with something wrapped in noisy cellophane or foil. I get it, aren’t we all eating on the go? Here’s some helpful hints: unwrap in the privacy of your own home and transfer to a silent zip-loc baggie or try eating something in a natural no noise package, like a banana, but, oh, don’t forget to take the peel with you. Sweet Mother of God, help me.

Stop #5) Chatty Kathy Girl. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk and top speed with no breaths in between, as if she swallowed a half a dozen pixie sticks before pick up. “You know my science crush, Joey? He touched my hand when he passed me the Bunsen burner. It was so…not…an accident. I mean he could have had his hand on the other side of the apparatus and never touched me. I could tell when our eyes met, they did, really they did. (she keeps going, no breaths) Jane, how did you do on the Algebra test? I did not do too well. That test was sooooo hard. I bet your test was hard. Was your test hard??”…Yep, she gets dropped off first on the way home, whenever possible.

Stop #6) The Ultimate Triple Play: Smelly Girl. You know the type. She’s fun, she’s popular and a product junkie. She’s layered in Bath and Body Works Spray, Brazilian Tangerine/Coconut EOS on her lips and chomping on Grape/Lemon Trident Layers gum. I think to myself, “Help!!! I am being asphyxiated! This may put me over the edge. But, I’m tough, I steel my nerves, because I’m a grownup. I do the only thing I can to survive. Regardless of the current weather conditions, I unroll all of the windows. What do I care that your hair buns are now askew from the wind? I have heated seats to keep me warm yet I have no ginger ale to kill the nausea.

My kids know the drill when their friends ask for a lift. “Sure, but you know my Mom, she’s got issues”… Issues? Just a few guidelines. Use unscented body wash, take your allergy pills, have a snack at home, climb in, sit your silent butt down and buckle up. Enjoy the ride.

About the author: Laura Buchinsky is a part-time Resume Writer and Zumba and Barre Instructor as well as a stay at home mom of three girls.  Humor keeps me sane. Follow her on Facebook.