Six Kids Songs That Drive Me to Daydrink

It’s nearly summer. Our kids will home all the freaking time…unless you’re one of those overzealous over-scheduling mommies who has signed her small humans up for ALL THE THINGS…and you will be watching more TV.

I’m the mom who completely brain dumped and missed the deadline to sign up for vacation Bible school and the children’s program at our local museum. I managed to get my crap together enough to squeak in to swimming lessons by the skin of our teeth but other than that, we’re just kinda hanging at home, which translates into a whole lot of electronic babysitting.

That’s not just me, right?

I have two 5-year-old boys. They don’t dig CSPAN or Fox News and they’re too young for the shows I really enjoy, so we are watching more kids shows this summer. Yay me!

Disney Junior. Nickelodeon. PBS Kids. All of this children’s programming is making me want to stab myself in the eye.

Tell me it’s not just me.

Here are six kiddie songs that have the distinct honor of being the causal factor of wine being served at our lunch table. You can skip out now…I won’t be mad. If you stay, I can’t guarantee that you won’t be randomly bursting into songs that make you want to run in the direction of your liquor cabinet.

1. Everything is Awesome – the LEGO Movie

No one at our house has watched the LEGO Movie in a couple of months…that might have something to do with the fact that I’ve buried the DVD in our backyard. Kidding. Maybe…

I feel a little pathetic admitting I loathe a song titled “Everything is Awesome” but this simple little three-stanza tune is a serious earworm. After the thirty-sixth time I heard it, something snapped inside my brain. Something dark and sinister that made me want to reach through the television screen and choke the little plastic people.

2. Fruit Salad – the Wiggles

…and pretty much everything else sung by the Wiggles. I appreciate that a bunch of handsomish Aussies have made a bajillion dollars by energetically prancing around sing kiddie tunes but for the love of all that is holy…just no. I can’t handle the fruit salad, cold spaghetti or whatever food group these dudes are cheerily going on and on about.

3. Hot Diggity Dog – Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

This little ditty accompanies the closing credits to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse…which actually isn’t a bad show. It’s not quite the same thing as the Mickey Mouse cartoons we grew up with…I mean, we didn’t have the pimped out club house that morphs out of the ground but I guess the animator people back in the seventies weren’t as stonedcreative.

Anyhoo, the “Hot Dog song” is the background tune to a dance-off with Mickey and company that signals the end of the program. At our house, it also signals the hour when it’s time to pick up the toys on the playroom floor and get ready for bed, so I guess I don’t actually hate this song all that much.

And yeah…I know I’m probably not fooling anyone with that whole “pick up the toys” line. As if.

4. Theme song from the Backyardigans

If your kids don’t watch the Backyardigans, it’s actually not a bad show. It encourages creative play and I’ve seen my kids come up with some fun, Backyardigans-inspired games that don’t involve sticking their noses in the iPad for hours on end.

Oh, but the theme song.

The tune that opens this awesome little show is so high-pitched that it’s probably just one step away from only being heard by dogs. Now that would be nice because I really don’t want to effing hear it. I have no idea what this song is saying other than some derivative of “we’re the Backyardigaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans” but hearing it makes me want to hide in the bathroom with a bottle of Chardonnay and a bag of Tostitos and not come out until it’s time for school to start.

That can’t be just me.

5. Dora Dora Dora the Explorer

Dora seems to be universally loathed by parents. Maybe it’s because she hangs out with a monkey. Maybe it’s because she won’t shut the hell up about her “magic stick.” Ahem. Maybe it’s because she’s so everlastingly annoyingly perky.

The opening song for Dora the Explore sticks in my brain like no other kids song. If I hear a couple of notes, it’s all over for me and I’m mamboing around my house like I’m hell-bent on winning first prize in a cruise ship dance-off. Right now, my small humans think my wiggling and jiggling to the Dora song is funny. Sometimes they join in. Eventually, they’ll probably be monumentally embarrassed by my dance moves.

On second thought, maybe this one isn’t so bad.

6. Let it Go

I don’t really need to justify why this song makes me want to stab myself in the eye, do I? I think you have to give up your parent card if you actually admit you like it. It’s actually not terrible until it’s played on a loop for 105 straight days…then it is. And…if you have read this far and are not familiar with this ear worm, let me just say this: I would like to trade lives with you.

So there you have it. If you’ve read this far, you’re probably humming one of these songs against your will, or, God forbid all of them. But, even though we parents may not dig these tunes, our kids like them and sometimes, keeping our kids entertained and happy is worth the earworm. Right? Maybe?

(This post originally ran on Ripped Jeans and Bifocals)