It has begun.
The speculation. The guessing. The anticipation and excitement that typically leads up to a very well-thought out response to the question everyone and their pet goat have started to ask based on the fact that my youngest child will be entering Kindergarten next fall.
“So are you going to get a job?”
Several responses come to mind, most of which would not be considered socially appropriate answers to such a seemingly innocent question. I’ve managed to bite my tongue up until this point, but it won’t last. It never does. Ho-hum.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s on my mind too. I’ve even been working on my new cover letter, which currently reads as follows…
Dear Hiring Manager,
Thank you for this opportunity to apply for such a rewarding and fulfilling position within your company. I have lots of skills that would compliment this position quite well. My current strengths include multitasking, time management, conflict resolution, selective listening, eating bon bons by the fistful, mind control, filling out repetitive forms, and folding socks.
Despite any complaints they might have of my job performance in the past, I think my current staff would agree that I am a real bucket filler as a rule. I will list them all below as references. It’s probably worth noting here that none of them have an actual phone, so your chances of getting a hold of them are pretty slim. Sorry about that. You win some, you lose some. I also thrive on teaching life lessons through personal experience. You’re welcome.
The job expectations were somewhat vague in your posting, so not sure what you’re expecting as far as actual physical presence goes, but I will basically be available between 9:30-2:00 on any given weekday. I have some kids and a husband who travels for work on a frequent, and often spontaneous, basis. Also, I will need some leeway with sick days and unplanned absences (“limitless” is the best word I can come up with), since this parenting duty and the logistics that go along with it will fall almost solely on me based on our family’s circumstances. As a consolation prize, my husband gets free gourmet Biscoff cookies as a travel perk and I am not above sharing them with my co-workers (#yummo).
Working holidays would be a pain in my ass, so if we could just avoid that altogether, that’d be great. That said, I’m a real go-getter. I get shit done, regardless of hangover level. I also have a Master’s degree, so that’s sure to be good for something, right? LOL (winky face). I had a license to practice something a while back too, but I don’t want to limit myself to days of yore. I’m really up for anything, so long as it boosts my overall confidence and doesn’t enforce any sort of dress code above and beyond jammie level. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker, but would certainly be a huge inconvenience and force me to at the very least look around elsewhere before accepting your shitty offer.
If background checks are your thing, it might be worth mentioning before googling me that I have a blog attached to my name somewhere out there in cyberspace that may or may not be offensive to some/many based on their predisposition to appreciate sarcasm and the use of curse words as frequent adjectives in general. It’s not me though. Unless you like that sort of thing? In which case, you’re my new best friend. Yay!
It should go without saying that your decision whether or not to consider me for the above mentioned position will not only affect me, but every inquiring mind out there really wanting/needing to see me have a real job. I’d really like to give them an answer they can sleep well with at night. With the absolute highest level of misplaced confidence, you could call me a “people person,” but now I’m just gloating. I’ll work on that. My word is my bond.
Basically, if you have the need for a responsible party to come in, simply fill space, and have no real responsibilities whatsoever, I’m your girl. I can promise that this job will not be my priority, but look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience to discuss how my skills can further meet your least important needs.
Sincerely,
Just a mom
P.S. Resume unattached, because I forgot how to write one.
(This post originally ran on jillveldhouse.)
About the author: Jill Veldhouse currently assumes the role of full-time mom to her 3 awesome kids. Her work has been featured on ScaryMommy, Club Mid, and humorwriters.org. She blogs at jillveldhouse.wordpress.com and is on twitter as @veldhouse_jill.
