No, Really, I Don’t NEED to Meet Your Lesbian Friend

Sarah Gilbert
Written by Sarah Gilbert
Picture this: Me, standing in the hallway at work, at my children’s school or on the sidewalk. I have just run into someone I know–not my BFF, but someone I might consider joining for coffee in the magical future where I’m not too busy. We’re chatting, maybe about the weather or maybe about the weekend and then this happens:
 
Person: I should introduce you to my friend, ______.
 
Me: Sure! I like meeting new people.
 
Person: She’s a lesbian, and….. 
 
*looks around for the anvil that just fell on my head* 
 
I look at talking person’s mouth. It’s still moving, and there are words coming out it. Words about a lesbian that I should meet. I got that much, but the rest is just blah, blah, blah. If I can work up the energy, I will ask why I should meet her. But I don’t. Because I know the answer already.
 
Instead, I say this:
 
Me: Cool! We should meet for coffee, and I’ll bring my straight friend with the long, brown hair. You’ll really like her. You two have so much in common.
 
Except I only wish that I had said that. I didn’t, because she won’t understand what I mean.
 
Here is the straight-up truth: I REALLY don’t want to meet for sexual orientation coffee. 
 
Why?   
 
I already have a gay friend. And you really only need just one. And the one that I have is great. She looks and acts totally gay. She wears button down shirts and trousers. She has very short hair and doesn’t wear much make-up. And she’s adorable in that oh-so-lesbian way. She is actually the one who would like to meet for sexual orientation coffee, because she’s single and she needs more gay “friends.” 
 
And I’m not suggesting that people are always trying to set me up on dates with other lesbians, I’m just suggesting that biology is not destiny. I’m also really tall, but I don’t find that it adds or takes away anything from my friendships. Would you feel totally comfortable introducing me to your tall friends? Or does it seem a little silly?
 
Ok, nevermind. I’ll just tell you the answer. I don’t just hang out with tall people. I don’t just hang out with gay people. Or people with kids. Or people with black hair. Or people with dual citizenship. I like smart people. So, please be one of my smart friends and stop trying to introduce me to your gay friends. 

About the author

Sarah Gilbert

Sarah Gilbert

Sarah writes with sarcasm about science, gender, feminism and fertility issues on her blog sarahanngilbert.com. She is writing a memoir about her experience becoming a parent. Sarah lives in Denver with her wife, two girls and an ungrateful dog. If she had more free time, she would spend it lobbying the state government to make down vests and flip-flops the official uniform of Colorado. You can talk to her on Twitter @sarahanngilbert.

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