Please See Terms and Conditions

NicoleM
Written by NicoleM

I feel like right before you are about to engage in sexy business with your partner, the Reproductive Fairy should appear and tell you this:

Please see Terms and Conditions.

If your parents have raised you right, then from a very young age you have been made well-aware of the consequences of such activities; which of course, according to them and you darn well better believe it, is an offspring, every time.

Now, from loads (pun absolutely intended) of experience, yours not mine, of course, we have come to understand that special time with our partners does not always equal a baby.

Still, I must make the contention that, with even the slightest possibility that it might, there is a need for the someone — an imaginary fairy or yourself — to preemptively state “you better understand what it takes to raise a human being.”

This may stop you in your naked tracks, or it may just encourage you to keep on, keeping on.

To make things easier on all those that are still considering adding children to their family, I have included the Terms and Conditions, below.

You’re welcome.

Terms and Conditions

1. Only engage in nooky if you are willing to raise a child.

2. Understand that raising a child means you must let go of any of your selfish tendencies and you must be willing to share — everything and all the time — like your snacks, your time, your energy, your pillow, your breasts and so on.

3. Be prepared to be exhausted and under-appreciated and still complete your job.

4. You must be willing to accept payment in the form of kisses and hugs which will at times involve loads of slobber and jam-hands.

5. You must be willing to sacrifice your body (and most of your brains) for those you love.

6. You need to make smart financial decisions for the rest of your life and you must seek help for your Amazon Prime addiction.

7. You have to be willing to say “I love you” every day until your tongue falls off.

8. You will need to give and be willing to receive affection at all times, so get comfortable with constant touch.

9. Your child’s boundaries must be respected at the same time yours are being invaded upon.

10. You shall foster independence; but only for your children, not yourself. You, my dear, have lost your independence for at least the next 18 years.

If you agree to these terms, then please refer to the commenting policy below for further things you must consider:

Commenting Policy:

Comments will be coming your way like aimlessly thrown darts towards balloons at the local carnival. Those you love, family members, friends and the general public will all, welcomed or not, share with you what they feel you are doing right and wrong when it comes to raising your kids.

Listen to them, or don’t listen to them; who really cares.  If they are delivering comments that are appropriate and respectful, awesome, and if not, take what they say and throw it in the trash and move on.

This is your journey with your child, so the only person you must willingly and happily take comments from is your child.

 

If you are willing to agree to the above Terms and Conditions, well, then go ahead with your hanky panky.

About the author

NicoleM

NicoleM

Nicole can be a smart-ass, but honestly, she's more just smart; smart enough to have gotten into law school and also smart enough to have dropped out. She's also smart enough to have weaseled her way into BLUNTmoms. Nicole became a BLUNTmom by simply bombarding the editorial team with her work until they couldn’t take it anymore and they haphazardly added her to the team with the hopes it would get her to chill the f*ck out a bit. Nicole can inadvertently or purposefully be a bit vanilla sometimes in her attempt to keep up her appearance as a respectful, well-mannered, well-spoken and proper mother of three, so when she’s raw and crass for us, her pieces are that much more enjoyable to read. Nicole blogs over at jthreeNMe and is regularly featured by Scary Mommy, FamilyShare, Sammiches & Psych Meds, Everyday Family, Motherly & many more. Follow her as @jthreenme across Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter!

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