I realize parents, as a population, are over-stressed and under-rested. It is because of this that we tend to irritate and peeve easier than most. In no particular order, here is a list of people that piss me off the most since becoming a parent.
The Sticker Givers
Listen Target cashier, I know my kid has been eyeballing you for the past 6 minutes. I also know you will hand him the innocent sticker and go about your day. I, however, will forget that he put the sticker on his favorite shirt, wash and dry the shirt, and then spend the remainder of my afternoon picking sticker jizz off of it.
The people who tell me to “Enjoy it, it goes so fast.”
Which part? The sleepless nights? The potty training? The back talk? By my estimation, this episode of Dora has lasted approximately 127 hours. I am sure one day I will look back and feel nostalgic for the days gone by but today is not that day. You know what goes by fast? Nights we have a babysitter. Those fuckers fly by.
The “No Shit, Sherlock’s”
You know the ones; they are always pointing out the obvious in every situation. This happens a lot to parents. Your kid is throwing down in the grocery store and a (usually childless) person walks by and says, “WOW, someone’s grumpy.” Gee thanks, sir, I didn’t realize that until you pointed it out. That was super helpful.
People who dress up their pets
I’m not sure if this one really belongs on the list but, seriously, they are not children. Dogs have fur and are therefore much more acclimated to colder temperatures than their human counterparts. That wool cape is doing nothing for him. In fact, if your dog could talk, he would implore you to reconsider.
The Backpack Leashers
Here’s an idea, just watch your kid. Inevitably you are going to forget he’s on a leash, reach up to scratch your face and little Timmy is going to get yanked onto his back so fast it will look like he was attacked by a grizzly bear.
Unsolicited Milestone Debaters
I think it’s amazing that your darling angel started walking at 9 months and I appreciate you pointing this out every time my 16 month old crawls in front of you. While you were busy judging me, your little creampuff ambled over and ate a handful of dog food. I wouldn’t go calling Harvard anytime soon.
People that buy my kids any of the following:
Nerf guns, Moon Sand, drum sets or anything that stars Barney or any of his coworkers. If you bring glitter into my home, I will cut you.
The Excuse Givers
Typically, these are your parents or in-laws. If your kid is melting down, they must be “over-tired.” If they talk back, I’m sure it’s just because they “need some attention.” Guess what? I think they behave like this because they are ungrateful assholes who are trying to ruin my life.
The Non-RSVP’ers
Seriously, how hard can it be to let me know if your kid can make my kid’s party? It’s either a YES or a NO. I conveniently put my mobile number on the invite so you can text me your response without having to pick up the phone and talk to another human.
I’m sure someday when my children are grown and I get more than three minutes of uninterrupted time for myself, I will become a much more carefree and understanding person. Until then, when you see me in public, hand me a cup of coffee and slowly back away.
