Twitter, the crazy land where 160 characters are 20 too many, where short forms are advised, spelling errors encouraged and links to everything commonplace. The only place on earth where punctuation is totally inadvisable and where Millennials finally stop saying ‘like’ every second word. For those of you who are just beginning to navigate the Twitterverse, I have some advice. I am not calling myself an expert, I will leave that to others more qualified, but I will call myself a Twitter snob. Much like a coffee snob, but better.
If you want to play Twitter, here are the rules:
- You are not fooling anyone. You send a follow request and I will check you out. I will be able to see your stats—you know that right? You have 800 followers and you are following 240 people. You are not playing Twitter right. I like to follow back and see when you unfollow me. It is usually a day but sometimes I am surprised by the quick turnaround. PS: I have ‘Unfollow’ too. If you are Donald Trump or Howard Stern, you can have a higher percentage of followers. If you are starting out, play nice.
- If I retweet something you put into the Twitterverse, you should, at least, push the little heart icon, asshole. I pat your back and you kiss my ass. That’s how it works. Say ‘thank you’ for a favour. Didn’t your momma tell you that already?
- The word social in social media means that you must interact. If I see a feed that is all your own quotes and quips, I pass. I know already that you don’t care what I’m saying or sharing and you won’t share back so I will leave you to your narcissism and move on. Have fun collecting followers to soothe your tortured soul.
- Thank you for the auto message asking me to follow you on Facebook, your blog, StumbleUpon, Google Plus, Triberr, Pinterest and Instagram. Let’s take this one step at a time. I like to be wooed a bit before I commit to a full relationship. Buy a girl a drink before you reach for third base. And, BTW, those auto responder notices are not fooling anyone. Stop them. And I mean now! Every girl likes to feel special and telling us all how much you appreciate us is only making us chastise you to our friends.
- I am super excited about buying 5000 Twitter followers for only $25 with your bonus coupon. Is it possible though that your account could be fake? Maybe it was the 127 followers that you have yourself that gave it away. Use your own service, prove it works then we will talk. Actually, we won’t, but it sounds more polite to say that we will and I am from Canada so sorry, we just can’t be friends. Sorry.
- I know that your local radio station is hosting a contest, as is Revlon, Poise and Vitamix. I even understand the importance of winning that $10 gift card from Chuck e Cheese. But please, every once and a while, intersperse your feed with something I will read. I will have to cut you (from my follow list) if that is all you talk about. It really interrupts my scrolling of totally inappropriate content from teenagers to see your fat cat enter a contest for best smile.
If you want to win the game, you have to know the rules. I tell you this because I love you. I want you to win that gift card, tell me something funny and I want to laugh when I send you a tweet with the word fuck in it if your profile says PR friendly. That is my prerogative and why I joined Twitter in the first place. Thank you for the follow. Please join me on Facebook and my blog for regular updates.