See ya later, Helicopter Parenting. Adieu, French Parenting. With all of these newfangled rules about raising kids, I can hardly keep track of how I should be feeding, nurturing, wiping, and educating my children. I need something easy that doesn’t require much thinking. Something primitive. Something so simple even an animal could do it.
Enter Giraffe Parenting, the newest parenting style to strut into town. It’s currently being recommended by Gwyneth Paltrow and Jason Statham as the most basic, down-to-Earth, healthy parenting trend you can possibly use for happier, more obedient children. You just have to climb on board this long-legged beast of a parenting philosophy and enjoy all the benefits of its back-to-basics approach:
We all know formula and packaged baby food are from Satan. In Giraffe Parenting, your child will eat an all-natural vegetarian diet of leaves and breast milk until age 10, at which point puberty requires the additional fatty-acid supplementation found in hemp hearts and cold pressed virgin coconut oil. No more trips to the grocery store! No preservatives or scary ingredients!
It’s co-sleeping all the way, baby. Let your little one cuddle up next to you as you slumber together on the floor. In the wild, a baby that cries for too long gets eaten by a predator, so teach your baby to stay quiet by smothering—I mean snuggling—him up against you.
We all know we’re not supposed to compare our children to other children. They develop at different rates and that’s not fair to them. What we should be doing is comparing them to animals. Specifically, baby giraffes. Those amazing creatures walk within their first hour of life! Your baby is a mammal too, so there’s no reason she can’t get those chubby legs moving on Day 1. She just needs you to bend your long neck down and give her a gentle nudge.
Does your kid hate bath time? Is it a chore to drag him in the bath each night? Or is the opposite true—your child loves bath time so much she never wants to get out of the tub? Don’t waste another minute with baths! Simply lick the dirt off your child and move on with your day. Your Netflix queue won’t watch itself, so you’ve gotta shave time off your routine where you can.
Remember how we used to play with the most rudimentary toys when we were kids? Blocks and puzzles and things that didn’t require batteries? Giraffe Parenting advocates a return to simpler times. Give your children a few sticks and tell them to run around the yard. Let them use their imagination! They can play Throw The Stick, Catch The Stick, and Break The Stick In Two Because Playing With Sticks Is Stupid. The possibilities are endless!
Kiss those diapers goodbye. Have you ever seen a baby giraffe wearing a diaper? No. So teach your child to do his business behind a bush. Not only will you save loads on money on diapers and wipes, but it’s eco-friendly too!
Giraffes don’t read, so with Giraffe Parenting, you can skip this time-consuming and tiresome activity. No longer will you have to read books and wonder if the kids even understood what you said!
Oh, but you should read one thing: today’s date. That’s right, it’s April Fool’s Day! So don’t worry, you can parent however you like. We’re not here to judge. As long as your kid is fed and loved, you can pick whatever style works for you. I’ll even lend you my two sticks.