Everything My Kids Need to Know About Life They Can Learn From the Claw Machine at Denny's

I don’t think we need all those self-congratulatory parenting books and earnest ninnies who say everybody should get a participation ribbon.

Life doesn’t give a crap about your kid.

Some day you will no longer wipe their backsides for them, so you will have to get them ready for the thunder.

This life hack is such simple genius, I can already see you palming your sweaty forehead wondering why you didn’t think of it yourself.

It is easy. Take the $147 you would have spent on parenting books to the bank and get it in rolls of quarters. Then drop your kid at the local Denny’s, the one with the claw machine full of toys in the lobby.

Here is what your child will learn by spending $147 on a game that is loaded with toys and stuffed animals, or otherwise known as “claw crack” for kids.

1. Sometimes all you can do is look at things you desire through a glass wall. It is up to you to figure out how to accept that, or you can decide to take action to get the things you want.
2. When you try to get that lovely thing you want, think about it first. Plan and have a strategy or like that Bugs Bunny doll, success will elude you.
3. When you divert your attention and get distracted, some other kid will step ahead of you and take your stuff. Stay focused or learn karate.
4. When you think you have the precious in your grasp, it will almost inevitably crash down before your eyes, even if you worked like a trooper to obtain it.
5. When you have experienced failure, you must try again, even if the minion stuffy landed ass-side-up and mocks you and your sad claw.
6. When you have spent almost all your money for a losing proposition, either walk away or go all bad ass on it and fully commit your last five bucks. You have to be prepared for abject failure and be ok with that outcome, otherwise take what you have left of your money and dignity and live to fight another day.
7. If you do get that premium teddy bear with your first pass of the claw, at least have the decency to acknowledge luck or privilege and don’t be an asshole about it. In fact if you are the lucky one with the bear, help the next kid to get one too.
8. If there is a chance that you will risk a great deal to get that special soft thing that makes you all squishy inside, choose carefully as it may take all you have and give you no reward. Or it might be the best thing that ever came into your life, which is why you should have your eyes wide open when you select the one worth losing it all for.
9. Claw games are fixed to take your money and the odds are against you. Learn when you shouldn’t play the odds at life. But if you take a chance, mean it and push through all the failure chatter people will heap on you. People love failure, which is why they stand behind you watching you play the claw game.

Another lesson that I noticed that my child learned from her day at the Denny’s is that old people are nice. They bought her a giant-sized breakfast because her mother left her at the claw machine all day.

(No actual children were left at the claw machine in Denny’s – this is life skills fiction, people.)