cougarlicious

I didn’t ‘get’ the whole cougar thing when I was in my twenties.  Why did these old women want these young guys? I was dating them – I knew what they were offering up, and I’ll tell you, it wasn’t all that impressive. It was a lot of grunting and groaning, and me explaining “no – my mouth doesn’t automatically open when you push my head down… “

When the deed was done, they’d roll over like a dead dog. There was no post coitus cuddling – just a condom dump and a cold glass of water.  “Wow, that was great babe” would be on my Monday morning “he cares” high light reel.

Then, when I was 32, I dated a guy who was 23. This was nearing Cougar status. (The calculation, if you don’t know, is half your age, +7)

He was rich. He had a great condo, drove a hot car, and was cute.  Trouble with him was that he kept talking about his studies in University, his articling position at a firm where his dad was a partner (yup – eye roll), and was a relentless snob.

I didn’t get down with him because I just couldn’t stand to listen to him.  No thanks.  I was in my thirties and I needed the whole package to get turned on – looks, money, and a good personality. Nope,  I still didn’t ‘get’ the cougar thing.

I’m now 40.

This is a whole new ball game my friends.

It’s like I’ve been given the libido of an 18 year old boy.

I find myself driving slowly around construction zones and checking out sweaty chests. I have tingles down below when the landscaping workers are mowing my lawn.  The men I once thought of as young, shallow, and immature, now represent vigour, sweat, and want.

I look at young men – who are simple and eager to please – with my vagina in mind.

They may not have an apartment of their own yet, but I can pretty much guarantee that they don’t have baggage.

Their girlfriends want more  –  I don’t.

I have my own great house. I drive my own hot car.  I can buy my own drinks.

I don’t care if he is a snob – in all truth, I don’t care to listen to anything at all.  I’d prefer if he didn’t speak.

I don’t want to cuddle. Kissing? Optional.
Names – not necessary.

I’m 40. I’m busy.  I want him to be eager and I’ll be efficient.

I think that I can safely say that I now `get’ it.

Don`t worry – I haven’t gotten completely out of control. My mouth still doesn’t open when my head is pushed down –

but maybe theirs will.