My husband and I are, in many ways, your typical suburban husband and wife. I’m a stay-at-home mom and my husband owns a party business in town. We have three children and have been married for fifteen years. We fight like many couples, make up like many couples, and have a healthy, mostly typical sex life. Over the course of our relationship, we have had our times of feast, and our times of famine concerning our romantic life. During my pregnancies I had absolutely zero sex drive, and during other times we have gone through periods when we cannot wait to be alone. Like I said, it’s all pretty standard for a couple who has been happily together for almost 20 years.
Over time, we have always tried our best to keep marriage somewhat spicy so we don’t get bored of each other or the life we have worked so hard at creating. This applies to both our social life and our sex life. We’ve never stopped going out and partying together. Weekend nights are for drinking, laughing, and being carefree, either alone or with friends. After a week of dealing with the kids, his job, the house, pets, and other family issues, we crave an edge that takes us out of reality and puts us into a situation of more excitement. Together, we’ll spend days in New York City, exploring trendy bars and eating delicious meals at romantic restaurants. It’s expensive, so we don’t do it often, but a few times a year we anxiously await the kids getting on the bus in the morning, and then drive in to Manhattan. That rush we used to get from playing hooky in high school is reignited, and the adrenaline of doing something seductive lasts for the next 24 hours. At night we’ll head to a hotel and feel so relaxed and free after a day void of any stress. It’s glorious.
Now that our children are getting older, that hotel room is a key factor in our marriage. It’s becoming more important for us to get away and have a space where we don’t have limits sexually. At home we are constantly worried that one of our children will walk in to the room (did we forget to lock the door?), or one of us will be too loud, or the dogs will bark the entire time and scratch at the door to come in. There are numerous interuptions and it’s enough to kill the passion that could take place if given the chance to truly be alone. Once in a while the kids will sleep out and we will have the house to ourselves, but it’s still not the same.
At a hotel, we can completely unwind and pretend that we aren’t just a suburban mom and dad trying to pay the bills and dragging kids to extracurricular activities. We can get out of our comfort zone and bring one another in to world of a little danger and provacativeness. We can experiment, and in that experimentation over time, we’ve realized that we can have the type of sex life that one might not expect after and decade and a half of marriage. Shockingly, and somewhat embarrassingly, I admit that we both have grown to love a more sadistic type of sex. Choking, hair pulling, some hitting, biting…all elements that I used to hear about or watch in movies and find completely disturbing, we both now embrace and very willingly participate. This does not happen all the time, but when we in an environment when we can release all of our inhibitions, these are the acts that wind up taking place, and they are all practiced with love and the complete understanding that we are in our own private world. We are one team, and we will always try new things in life, whether it be through travel, parenting, creating friendships, and yes, even (and especially) sex.
If it’s so private between us, then why am I sharing this absolutely intimate detail about our life? I’ve already admitted that I am somewhat uncomfortable discussing it and giving away our secret. It’s a tad humiliating. I’m confessing all of this because I think that all too often, we forget that there is a craving to be wild and animalistic for so many of us, and we ignore it, leaving our love lives feeling lackluster and bland. I am certainly not saying that rough sex is the answer for everyone. Absolutely not. But I do think that placing ourselves in an environment that allows for exploration with our partner, even after ten, fifteen, or even thirty years is something that is crucial to staying satisfied in our relationship. Take time out from the monotony of life and add some flavor. Plan a sexy day together at least a few times a year filled with savory food, maybe some cocktails, some risque experiences, and definitely do it while on a path that leads to a hotel room at the end of the night (or in the afternoon, depending on your preference). Whatever you learn as a couple, you’ll at least know you’re both committed to keeping your relationship fresh and new. That type of knowledge will most likely lead to other forms of trust and devotion. Whether it ends in crazy, tantric sex or a loving snuggle session, you’ll be together, discovering one another in ways you haven’t before. Isn’t that what marriage should really be about?
Danielle Silverstein – I’m a stay-at-home mom of three kids and two rescue dogs. My blog, www.wheretheeffismyhandbook.com is meant to help all moms feel better understood and more accepted through laughter and honesty. I love in New Jersey and love to travel, run, and try new food and cocktails.