I Call Bullsh*t On Your Sh*t

NicoleM
Written by NicoleM

Ping. Ping.

New Text Message.

“IT’S YOUR WIFE.”

Remember me? No?

Oh, that’s right — you only know me as something else…

IT’S THE LADY THAT TENDS TO YOUR CHILDREN, HOUSE, THE LAUNDRY, ETC. all while you hide out in the potty because “Daddy’s gotta go to the bathroom”.

How is your fictitious crap going? Insert poop emoji here because that’s the only place you will see it since YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY TAKING A SH*T.

You know this. I know this. And I think even the kids are starting to catch on.

What is it about Candy Crush, Solitaire, and Subway Surfer that taunt you to not let too much time pass between your bathroom engagements? What do they have that I don’t that intrigues you so?

Oh, I know. It’s something that I have that they don’t — kids!

And parenting is hard. I get that. I get that you need a break. But, honestly dude, every couple of hours for 45 minutes at a time is a little excessive.

I’m just saying. If you need a break, honey, just say so. You don’t need to lock yourself in the bathroom.

Do you know how many times I have wanted to lock myself in a bathroom? About 10 times a day, every day. But, I don’t do it, because even when I try, the children will find a way to break in since apparently Daddy can’t change a poopy diaper without vomiting, can’t find the baby’s pacifier, and doesn’t know how to make and cut a turkey sandwich just how they like it.

Listen, I’ll let you get back to your business, your shady business, for now at least. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t be throwing some shade your way each and every time you make a dash for the porcelain throne…just saying.

 

 

About the author

NicoleM

NicoleM

Nicole can be a smart-ass, but honestly, she's more just smart; smart enough to have gotten into law school and also smart enough to have dropped out. She's also smart enough to have weaseled her way into BLUNTmoms. Nicole became a BLUNTmom by simply bombarding the editorial team with her work until they couldn’t take it anymore and they haphazardly added her to the team with the hopes it would get her to chill the f*ck out a bit. Nicole can inadvertently or purposefully be a bit vanilla sometimes in her attempt to keep up her appearance as a respectful, well-mannered, well-spoken and proper mother of three, so when she’s raw and crass for us, her pieces are that much more enjoyable to read. Nicole blogs over at jthreeNMe and is regularly featured by Scary Mommy, FamilyShare, Sammiches & Psych Meds, Everyday Family, Motherly & many more. Follow her as @jthreenme across Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter!

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