Sometime between dating in my twenties and having a kid in my thirties, sexting completely snuck up on me and became a thing. Having real sex just isn’t enough anymore. My man now wants my “virtual vagina.”
Someone please shoot me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the sex. In real life. I just don’t have the time between wiping asses, working a full-time job, and taking care of everything at home to have pretend sex.
On a screen.
When my guy and I are texting and things start taking a turn toward make-believe Humpville, I feel myself get hot, and not in my pants. I mean pissed off and irritated. I barely have time to pluck the rogue hairs from my chin, let alone deal with this nonsense. When he asks what I want to “do to him,” what I really want to say is, “Strangle you. I ain’t got time for this shit.” Instead, I refrain from the harsh retort and try like hell to play nice.
The other day I was halfway through the grocery store, pushing my cart, trying to keep my squirming kid quiet, and pondering the big questions in life, like if I need to switch from regular yogurt to no-sugar added yogurt, when I get this message from him.
I’m so turned on right now. I can’t stop thinking about you.
Despite being in the middle of the grocery store, I took the bait. Let me be clear though, sexting with him in no way inhibited my shopping. It takes some practice, but in time, you can pretty much do anything while half-heartedly playing along with this bullshit. Like load your cart full of groceries, and place a deli order.
This kind of sexting is perfunctory; it is the equivalent of lifelessly lying there while pretending to like it in real life. It is by no stretch of the imagination, the right way to sext. It’s sexting when you don’t really feel like it in order to keep “the spark” alive in your relationship or some crap. It will keep your partner happy and off your back while you still manage to tackle your to-do list. Win-win.
So, here are a few tips on half-assed sexting for the busy mom.
1. Lie. Lie. Lie.
You don’t have you tell him everything or even be remotely honest because, lets face it, your real life is probably not sexy. I’m pretty sure you’re not lounging around in your lingerie watching pornos and anxiously awaiting his next sext. If you are, you can stop reading now. You obviously don’t need any help.
For the rest of you, please understand that to accomplish even acceptable mediocrity in sexting, you are going to have to lie your ass off. When your guy asks, “What are you doing right now?” the answer is always yourself. Just tell him you’re touching yourself. You are always touching yourself and thinking about him. Even though you are actually in the bathroom waxing your ‘stache or cleaning out the fridge. Just lie. He will never know the difference.
2. The Sexting Mad Lib
Do you remember Mad Libs? That hilariously entertaining game where you picked verbs, nouns, and adjectives to create stories that had you and your friends laughing so hard you were literally pissing your pants in grade school? Well, brace yourself, because there is a secret sexting mad lib, and I’m going to share it with you. If you ever find yourself in need of something racy to say but don’t want to exert an ounce of real effort, just fill in the blanks to this sentence.
I can’t wait for you to (sexy verb) your (his body part) on/in my (your body part) .
This line can be used to generate sentences ranging from slightly spicy to down-right lewd and lascivious. Get creative! It works like a charm, and you can use this over and over again with new words. He will never catch on. Trust me.
3. Stroke his…Ego.
Nothing turns a man on more than himself. Tell him he is the biggest and the best you’ve ever had. Refer back to Tip 1. Hint: It doesn’t all have to be true. He won’t be able to get enough of himself. You stroke his ego and work him up to be the alpha male that he so desperately wants to be, and he’ll take care of stroking the rest. When he asks if you like having sex with him, you LOVE it. You can’t get enough of it. You want him all night long. Don’t worry though, he’s not really going all night long. He just likes to think he is. He’s going five minutes max, unless he falls asleep on the couch watching TV first.
4. Send Some Pics
At some point, he is probably going to ask you for a pic. You are initially going to want to say, “Of what?” You know exactly what he wants though. He wants to see your lady parts. So push your baby feeders together, snap a pic, and call it a day. Or even better, take a belfie (butt selfie, I shit you not, google it).
Eventually, you’re going to find yourself somewhere where you can’t actually take a pic, like in the produce section, perusing organic raspberries. My advice is to keep some pics stashed away for use at a later time. I keep a hidden “library” of pics on my phone that I take when I’m having skinny days or feeling especially sexy. I can just whip one of those bad boys out when he asks. Please for the love of God though, never include your face in any sexy selfie.
So there you have it, ladies. Sext your hearts out. Who knows, you may even end up liking it.