9 Reasons We Can’t Be Friends

1)      You put the toilet paper roll on upside-down

Don’t try to argue with me saying your way is right.  It’s not.  I saw a butler on TV say you’re wrong.  How much more conclusive does it get?  I can’t believe I even have to specify this, but just so we’re crystal clear here – the paper should always fall top to bottom at the front of the roll – not the other serial-killer way.

2)      You bite or pick your nails the entire time we are together

Maybe it’s a nervous tic you developed from putting your toilet paper on incorrectly, but it’s also going to be the reason I am charged with justifiable homicide if we spend any more time together.

3)      You’re a one-upper

I am a very good listener.  I nod in all the right places, support what you’re saying, and give advice when asked.  When I speak about myself I would love for you to do the same, not pull a “You think that’s bad…”  I won’t trust you after too many of those and will stop telling you things.  I probably won’t listen too much after that either.  Although I may tell you your hideous outfit totally makes you look fabulous and you can’t see through the skirt at all.  Since you seem to like to have problems to talk about, I’ll just help things along a bit.

4)      You only talk about yourself

As I mentioned, I am a good listener.  People sometimes take advantage of that and choose to do a data-dump of what is in their head into my ears.  There are two kinds of people that tend to do this – people who think they know everything, and lonely people.  If you’re the first kind, wake up – you don’t know everything.  Particularly when it comes to manners.  If you’re the second kind – this may be the reason that you are lonely.  Ask me a question or two about myself, and really listen when I am answering you.  Don’t just listen long enough until you can find a way to derail my story.

5)      You are a homophobe, racist, or use the ‘R’ word

I think this is self-explanatory. (Just in case it isn’t, the ‘R’ word is “retarded.”)

6)      When you speak you say things like “Alls I know” or “yous” and you shout when you talk

If my ears bleed all over my shirt, then I’ll be too busy doing laundry to get together for coffee.

7)      You’re rude

Be nice to the servers when we are having lunch.  Thank the person who held the door for you.  Ask the cashier how she is doing.  Clean up your messes.  How you treat others tells me a lot about you.  Plus it would be a bonus if I could eat my lunch without worrying that it had been spit in by our waiter.

8)      You’re too serious

I like to laugh, and since I use humour as a defense mechanism I like to make jokes regularly.  Don’t make me feel like an ass by staring blankly at me when I crack a joke.  At least pretend to laugh.  You’ll move into best friend potential if you are genuinely laughing and if you can make me pee myself.  Yes I’ll have more laundry to do, but it will be worth it.

9)      You make obnoxious lists about how your friends should act

Seriously, who does that?  How could I be friends with such an asshole?

{This ‘Best of Blunt Moms’ post was first published in November 2013}