20 Things All Wives Will Eventually Say

Magnolia Ripkin
Written by Magnolia Ripkin

This is for all the young ladies out there who are in the early phases of “wifehood” or “shackupness” or whatever. You are in that formative stage where you haven’t gotten your “5 year pin” yet. So for all intents and purposes, you know not much, but you have a man. If this sounds like you, read on.

Here are things that may sound appalling right now, but I can assure you, at some point will actually come out of your mouth. You might want to write these down and let me know how long it took you to say them all… go ahead, get a pen, I will wait right here.

One day you will say most of these things to your man:

  1. What on earth is that smell? Did you shit?
  2. No, you are not dying, you have a cold.
  3. Get your own fucking coffee.
  4. Do you even see socks when they aren’t on your feet?
  5.  You could try something new here honey, and deal with the child instead of waiting for me?
  6. Did you put gas in my car?
  7. I thought you were picking her up at soccer? Jesus Christ, how long has she been waiting on the sidewalk?
  8. Do something about that fur please. Seriously, I bought you a personal weed whacker, use it.
  9. After that epic fart and rather repulsive ball scratch, I just don’t know how I am keeping my pants on right now.
  10. Yeah, I am awake, but hurry up, I am tired.
  11. This is your idea of a date night?
  12. Yes, I am too drunk to drive, and so are my friends, can you come and get us? (giggle giggle burp)
  13. No, I don’t know where you left your _____ (insert any object here).
  14. You put that baby in there, you will stand here like a man and watch it come out and no, you cannot have my drugs.
  15. Yes, of course I would like breakfast in bed made by toddlers who you clearly were not supervising.
  16. Stop crying, it is just waxing for crap’s sake, you should see where I get hair pulled out of.
  17. You don’t look nearly stressed enough, why are you not worrying about this situation with me?
  18. Can you look at this thing on my back? What is that?
  19. I have no idea what you should make for dinner. Try this: think of a meal, get the ingredients for it and make it. Do you need a manual?
  20. I couldn’t imagine life without you baby.

The men in our lives spend a lot of time trying to figure us gals out. They would love it if on the third date we handed them one of those little Lego books with clear drawings of how to make all the moving parts work. Half the fun is watching them try… for years.

{This ‘Best of Blunt Moms’ post was first published in July 2013}

About the author

Magnolia Ripkin

Magnolia Ripkin

Our Editor-in-Chief Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny… well mostly funny… like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn’t safe.
She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF

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