It happened: we entered the age of sex-tracking spreadsheets. And while I’m not going to get into the wrongness of sex spreadsheets and their subsequent mass-social-media broadcasting (all of it, so dreadfully wrong), I can speak to what I know to be true in my own life. While many of the media responses to the sex spreadsheet have blamed the couple’s problems on a lack of loving communication and tender intimate connection – and that is undoubtedly true – I have an additional theory I’d like to posit: Men are gross. Sometimes gross enough to kill their wives’ libido.
There. I said it.
My husband and I are, in most respects, indicative of a stereotypical heterosexual couple, so it’s fairly safe to assume that there are other women – like me – who are often repulsed by their husbands, and conversely, other husbands who are genuinely baffled as to why their wives aren’t frothing at the mouth for hot and heavy twice-daily coitus. My husband is a good man, but he is so gross that he turns me off sometimes. I’ve explained this to him before, but he remains confused as to why there is not more boinking going on around here. (He’s doing a helluva lot better than that guy who made the spreadsheet, though, let’s just get that straight.)
Not that all men are gross, and not that women are incapable of being gross. (Calm down, gentleman who is about to leave a long, ranty comment. If you’re not gross, I am not talking to you.) But probably the dude who made the spreadsheet is. I mean, I don’t know his wife, maybe she’s a horrible shrew who leaves blood-stained panties soaking in the sink for three days. But I think it’s far more likely that she lost interest in doing the horizontal tango with her husband because he was being disgusting.
My dear men, I love you guys, but it’s really hard to be horny for you when you insist on being so gross. And because I really do love you, and really am in favor of you getting laid, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a list of some of the things you’ve been known to do that are real libido killers for your already libido-depressed wives.
16 things men do that gross out their wives (and make them not want to have sex):
1. Taking a dump with the bathroom door yawning open… while surfing the net on your iPad. No, you do not look like The Thinker.
2. Farting when you are with your wife in a small, poorly-ventilated room.
3. Farting in the car.
4. Farting under the covers.
5. Farting on top of the covers, with your butt pointed towards your unsuspecting wife.
6. Farting any place within a 20 foot radius of your wife. (What I’m trying to say is, go to the bathroom when you have to fart.)
7. Belching loudly, mouth open, without saying excuse me.
8. Constantly talking with your mouth full of food (this is actually grounds for murder).
9. Regularly chewing/smacking your food with your mouth open (MURDER).
10. Scarfing down half a plate of food before your wife – who cooked – has even sat down. (This is above gross; it’s rude.)
11. Dropping your shoes and clothes on the floor wherever the hell you take them off.
12. Peeing on the rim of the toilet, the floor, the shower curtain, or the wall, and not cleaning it up.
13. Saying, “Oh my God, look at all this earwax I got out of my ears!” and then holding the Q-tip three inches from her eyeballs.
14. Offering your wife “constructive criticism” about how to get her “pre-baby body” back, when you clearly possess a hairy pot belly and man-boobs. Actually, even if you’re a perfect Adonis, you should keep your mouth shut about your wife’s post-baby body.
15. Doing the “penis dance” and asking if she wants a “quickie.”
16. Putting yourself first during sex. (Also known as, “locking the deadbolt on the penis coffin.”)
Please don’t take this the wrong way, guys. I really am only trying to help. And maybe I’m wrong; maybe some women really don’t care how gross their husbands are. But I sincerely feel for those of you who are still confused about your wife’s horrified grimace when you Dutch oven her under her favorite goose down comforter for the thousandth time, and why she doesn’t want to ride you like a bucking bronco right after that.
Guys. You have to understand that a woman’s libido is connected to how we feel about our partner in the moment. Men can get into sex even when they’re annoyed at their partner. Women, in general, cannot. If we’re in a constant state of grossed-outedness, there is a very strong probability that we’ll have a harder time getting in the mood.
So quit with the farting and food smacking already, and ya might just get laid a little more often. I know you can do it.