16 Things Men Do That Gross Out Their Wives

Kristen Mae
Written by Kristen Mae

It happened: we entered the age of sex-tracking spreadsheets. And while I’m not going to get into the wrongness of sex spreadsheets and their subsequent mass-social-media broadcasting (all of it, so dreadfully wrong), I can speak to what I know to be true in my own life. While many of the media responses to the sex spreadsheet have blamed the couple’s problems on a lack of loving communication and tender intimate connection – and that is undoubtedly true – I have an additional theory I’d like to posit: Men are gross. Sometimes gross enough to kill their wives’ libido. 

There. I said it.

My husband and I are, in most respects, indicative of a stereotypical heterosexual couple, so it’s fairly safe to assume that there are other women – like me – who are often repulsed by their husbands, and conversely, other husbands who are genuinely baffled as to why their wives aren’t frothing at the mouth for hot and heavy twice-daily coitus. My husband is a good man, but he is so gross that he turns me off sometimes. I’ve explained this to him before, but he remains confused as to why there is not more boinking going on around here. (He’s doing a helluva lot better than that guy who made the spreadsheet, though, let’s just get that straight.)

Not that all men are gross, and not that women are incapable of being gross. (Calm down, gentleman who is about to leave a long, ranty comment. If you’re not gross, I am not talking to you.) But probably the dude who made the spreadsheet is. I mean, I don’t know his wife, maybe she’s a horrible shrew who leaves blood-stained panties soaking in the sink for three days. But I think it’s far more likely that she lost interest in doing the horizontal tango with her husband because he was being disgusting.

My dear men, I love you guys, but it’s really hard to be horny for you when you insist on being so gross. And because I really do love you, and really am in favor of you getting laid, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a list of some of the things you’ve been known to do that are real libido killers for your already libido-depressed wives.

16 things men do that gross out their wives (and make them not want to have sex):

1. Taking a dump with the bathroom door yawning open… while surfing the net on your iPad. No, you do not look like The Thinker.

2. Farting when you are with your wife in a small, poorly-ventilated room.

3. Farting in the car.

4. Farting under the covers.

5. Farting on top of the covers, with your butt pointed towards your unsuspecting wife.

6. Farting any place within a 20 foot radius of your wife. (What I’m trying to say is, go to the bathroom when you have to fart.)

7. Belching loudly, mouth open, without saying excuse me.

8. Constantly talking with your mouth full of food (this is actually grounds for murder).

9. Regularly chewing/smacking your food with your mouth open (MURDER).

10. Scarfing down half a plate of food before your wife – who cooked – has even sat down. (This is above gross; it’s rude.)

11. Dropping your shoes and clothes on the floor wherever the hell you take them off.

12. Peeing on the rim of the toilet, the floor, the shower curtain, or the wall, and not cleaning it up.

13. Saying, “Oh my God, look at all this earwax I got out of my ears!” and then holding the Q-tip three inches from her eyeballs.

14. Offering your wife “constructive criticism” about how to get her “pre-baby body” back, when you clearly possess a hairy pot belly and man-boobs. Actually, even if you’re a perfect Adonis, you should keep your mouth shut about your wife’s post-baby body.

15. Doing the “penis dance” and asking if she wants a “quickie.”

16. Putting yourself first during sex. (Also known as, “locking the deadbolt on the penis coffin.”)

Please don’t take this the wrong way, guys. I really am only trying to help. And maybe I’m wrong; maybe some women really don’t care how gross their husbands are. But I sincerely feel for those of you who are still confused about your wife’s horrified grimace when you Dutch oven her under her favorite goose down comforter for the thousandth time, and why she doesn’t want to ride you like a bucking bronco right after that.

Guys. You have to understand that a woman’s libido is connected to how we feel about our partner in the moment. Men can get into sex even when they’re annoyed at their partner. Women, in general, cannot. If we’re in a constant state of grossed-outedness, there is a very strong probability that we’ll have a harder time getting in the mood. 

So quit with the farting and food smacking already, and ya might just get laid a little more often. I know you can do it.

About the author

Kristen Mae

Kristen Mae

Kristen Mae is a novelist, freelancer, classical musician, and artist. Follow her on Abandoning Pretense, and check out her books, Beyond the Break and Red Water, available now at most online booksellers.

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64 Comments

  • OMG – yes to all of these things. Especially the farting. My husband does not seem to understand that there is a cooling off period between a nasty, noisy fart and “hey, let’s get busy.”

  • My mother in law, god rest her, taught all of her children not to do these things. I suspect corporal punishment may have been involved, but as I’m nominating her for sainthood, I prefer not to dwell on it.

  • I’m somehow desensitized to a lot of these (I guess because I’m the loudest burper in the house) but I CANNOT. HANDLE. FOOD SMACKING. Fortuntately (?) the kids make so much noise during dinner that I usually can’t hear my husband chomping away.

    • Yeah, whatever the gross thing is, and be it the male or the female, I think we need to have a little consideration for one another. This shit truly does have a way of sneaking into your head and picking at your attraction for a person…

  • I kinda hate to admit it but farting and belching is damn near a sport in our household. Neiither of us is grossed out by it and instead we find it hysterical. We’re just weird (and gross) like that I guess.

    • Don’t get me wrong, we do laugh and (literally) make contests out of that stuff, but there are moments, like when I’m trapped under the covers with his rank ass, that I just. can’t. Huge turn-off. lol

      • Same here, we regularly play Ogre family in our house but….. Mom has her “respect boundaries” !!! I think it’s truly a personal space issue. Men don’t seem to understand this concept, they think every square inch is their space. They also don’t seem to understand that you (wife) made and keep the nest that you are permitting them to be in. That’s just how hormones gear us. We are animals. We behave comparatively to a pride of lions. Think about it.

  • My husband is all about farting, burping, and picking his nose so much that it seems like he is trying to reach his brain. He will dig for gold to the point that almost his whole finger is in his nose while I’m trying to have a conversation and even though I’ve repeatedly told him how much it annoys me but still be baffled when I get angry!! His response is that I should just look away. He just doesnt get why he should have to go to the bathroom to fart or pick his nose!

    • Ewwwwww you poor lady, Lol my EX husband was not much of a nose picker but farting and laughing while in bed and he would never get into mental foreplay, I love mental foreplay!

      • Omg this is me now. I totally detest sex. He is fat and sloppy. Smacking when he chews. Food flying every where. Wearing stained up shirts for days. As he is disabled but has been our entire relationship. It’s just a bad back which I have too and more from a car accident but work instead of going for disability. But I over looked all his annoying things because he had a good heart and was hot as hell. Even 11 years older. But now with the added fat stomach picking his nose all the bad qualities up thread. I wonder why don’t u put the same effort in trying to have sex with me to losing weight which he has done time and time again to not caring at all. No romance even without extra weight always feeling like just a piece of ass! I’ve tried talking but it’s not working so I fear I will be leaving soon.

  • And clipping his toe nails anywhere other than into a trash can or outside… Like the bed or the couch. Ewww that’s enough to gross me out so much to put a hold on sex for a week! And yes, unfortunately this is something I deal with…

  • Can we add wearing dirty work clothes that dont fit/have huge holes/big stains or pajama pants ALL the time? I want to see your assets, not your belly hanging out under your shirt!

    • Good one Leanne and my biggest pet peeve with my ex husband was soiled underwear which he referred to as skid marks and expected ME to clean them, GROSSE!

  • Ha! My husband thinks it is sexy to come take a dump when I am trying to get ready for work (in a hurry, I might add) and I seriously feel ya on #14! I usually answer “Ummm. Get a bra, then come talk to me.” 😉 lol

  • So… my wife does most of these behaviors all the time. She is constantly belching. As in, while I’ve been typing this, she belched 3x. She is always slurping her fingers after eating food, she’s always inhaling her food, and then acts surprised when she constantly belches after inhaling a ton of air.. my point being that it is not just husbands that are gross — it’s wives too…

  • (A bit late to the party)

    I have all these issues going on with my Husband. But, one more bigger issue. Poop.. His poop… EVERYWHERE! He will sit with his naked ass on the couch and leave poop. Poop covered toilet paper all over the bathroom. I have even found poop on our walls. I’m frustrated beyond belief. I’ve talked to him about it and no changes. It’s become so gross, I can’t feel even remotely sexy. We have small Children in diapers and I’m cleaning 3 people’s poop. I’m at the end of my rope. I just needed to vent. Is there any other spouses dealing with this?

    • Holy hell.. I feel for you but I also couldn’t help but to laugh. Poop on the WALLS? Is he a literal monkey? Lol, I’m so sorry. My boyfriend of 4 years who I live with has a ton of horrible habits. One somewhat similar to what you describe. He leaves big dirt spots all over the walls where he leans and puts his feet, hands, and dirty clothes. The only thing I can do to stop it is nag (which we all hate doing…), “Don’t touch the walls with your dirty body or clothes, please.” We’ll need to repaint before we move because of it. Some other things, I actually had to teach him how to brush his teeth. Before we met he never got into the habit of regular brushing. Also, he’ll eat large amounts of sugary food before bed and have terrible smelly night sweats that soak the entire bed. And when I say smelly, I’m talkin’ rancid milk and rotten meat smelly. Despite knowing this, he’ll still eat before bed. I do not understand it because he’s a thin and otherwise healthy person. He doesn’t clip his toe nails and lets cheesy gunk build up underneath them, sometimes stabbing me under the sheets by accident. I feel like I need a weekly tetanus shot. When he DOES clip them, of course they go everywhere and it’s like stepping on legos. He’s hairier than a sasquatch and turns the shower floor into a shag rug. Every surface in the bathroom is covered in hair that I inevitably am responsible for cleaning up because I do all of the cleaning. He “doesn’t see dirt”. His mother and grandmother cleaned up after him and did his laundry his whole life and now I’ve taken on the daunting task. I could really go on for days but I’ll stop here. I never wanted kids and now I feel like I have one. Why are men like this?

      • Holy f$ck all that makes me glad I’m now single!
        I thought my ex bf constantly farting ( and I mean constantly, every 5 minutes and even during sex) & going in to detail about the last sh$t he took was bad enough!
        Hence why I’m now single …..

    • OMG Reah I’m feeling your pain there my ex husband and poop is disgusting also but his skid marks as he called them were disgusting and I couldn’t feel intimate often just thinking about that!

  • Yes!!! My husband also refuses to cover his mouth when he coughs and will blow his nose then promptly touch every thing in the kitchen. I can’t remember the last time I felt genuinely turned on by him.

    • My husband pulls out boogers with his finger, examines them like he’s using a microscope, then wipes it on his pants. Also wipes his runny nose with his hand like a toddler and wipes it on his pants. He pops the pimples on his face, smells the pimple juice, then wipes it on his pants. Rarely showers or brushes teeth. Douses himself in reeky cologne on top of two week old BO. Will wear the same shirt for days. Looked over at him once while we were out and his shoulders were COVERED with beard dandruff – shoulders looking like snow-capped mountains. How it got on his shoulders, I don’t know. Yep, our sex life is pretty much non existent.

    • I know exactly Morgan when we were dating he was so romantic but after 21 years of marriage I didn’t feel sexual towards him at all! I know it pissed him off but what can you do if he isn’t making you feel desired?

  • Omg. I thought I was alone and/or a terrible wife for thinking my husband is gross. I have to remind him to brush his teeth! How can I get into it and want him when I’m not sure of the last time his teeth were clean?? And I can relate to the woman who talked about her husband being hairy. There are small curly black hairs all over the house and I, his lowly maid,am left to clean them up. I have told him I’d want to do it more if he was cleaner but he gets really defensive and his feelings hurt, though not enough to make significant changes. ?

    • Dee-
      I feel so desperate that I am seriously considering leaving my husband because of his poor hygiene and disgusting habits.

    • I know exactly about HAIRY Gina mine had a hairy back and the farting on top of it, was just the icing on the cake I was just grossed out but at least he showered regular!😂😂😂

  • I agree so much, I wish I could show this to my husband and he will magically change his ways…. But no lol He never will, this is a daily thing we bicker about(mostly me, he just sits there rolling his eyes). Then he turns around and asks me why I’m never horny… I AM! But you leaving your stinky shoes and socks by the bed isn’t gonna leave me hot and bothered lol Neither is you leaving your dirty razor with pubes on it. Ughhhh!

  • Oh my seriously thank you to all the women commenting on this!!! My boyfriend repulses me with his stink! He is constantly farting like the silent killer type. Seriously it smells up my whole house. The car, everywhere. He’s left poop streaks on my sheets!! Ugh!! Nasty! AND, he puts his hand down the back of his pants and scratches his ass!! And thinks I don’t see it. Then he won’t wash his hands and I can smell when he touches my face. UGH!! God I am SO grossed out. I’ve even told him this and I still catch him doing it. Every time he leaves my house I feel like I have to disinfect everything!!!!! Its so gross!

    • Hannah I love so funny I know about a man being gross and then wanting you on demand to feel horny for them! Mine would brush his teeth but never used FLOSS! GROSSE if your considering passionate kissing!👎

  • We need a list like this for platonic housemates too. My current one does the belching, farting, leaving work boots on the coffee table kind of stuff. A previous ond did the lip smacking thing and I still want to murder him for it

  • Married 50 years and I will fart pick my nose and belch where ever the he’ll I want. The best place to fart is in bed or in a busy elevator, it’s got to be a slow and hope fully really smelly. One other place is in the kitchen making dinner. If that causes a problem with sex I don’t really care, we haven’t had sex or intimacy in about 40 years.

  • My husband is very fat, always farting and his burps smell horrible. He know’s I find it disgusting, so it seems to inspire him to do it more. I’m sick of his personality as well. I do not believe people are meant to be married until death. He is a disgusting fat pig, and I realize my poor self-esteem made me choose him.

    • LOL, Katherine I love it that’s priceless and you know I used to think that I would be married till death but once my ex husband turned 50 he changed so much his personality we both decided it was over! He is not an affectionate man and is addicted to his cell phone!

  • Omg thank u! Am not the only one going through this! I am only newly married but my sex drive is soooo low due to my husbands nasty habits that i honestly keep on trying to correct him so he stops them, in vain! I spend some nights sleepless due to the non stop farting! The peeing on toilet seat .. leavinb his toothbrush dirty… omg i cant!

  • All true and a big turn off. I wonder if there’s a big correlation between how many times men get laid and their habits? Whenever I explain bad habits to my boyfriend he is oblivious, doesn’t believe me, gets defensive, sulks, storms off and puts it all back onto me. I can’t believe I have to tell a man not to splutter in the kitchen where food is made for the whole family. I can’t believe I have to tell him to leave the living room if he needs to loudly cough! He doesn’t get to disturb us with his loud cough and spread his germs! He doesn’t get it and thinks I’m in the wrong. I can tell him until I’m blue in the face that he’s inconsiderate but he won’t listen. He then has the nerve to ask where is he supposed to cough/spit/splutter/fart! I look at him seething with dismay and anger and tell him to use the bathroom! He still looks at me blankly and I say er, yes the bathroom you know that private little room where you can lock yourself in, there’s plenty of tissues, water, soap and a mirror to see what you’re doing . I don’t even bother to find out if he gets it as by this time he’s beyond help if he doesn’t. I get turned off by the day by his gross habits and don’t care if I ever sleep with him again. I have a son now who I will teach to be a decent, tidy and clean human being for his sake and for the sake of his future wife!

  • My boyfriend is very cute and charming, but he has a habit of blowing snot rockets onto his livingroom carpet and rubing them in with his bare feet. It is absolutely disgusting. The only time I have ever seen him use tissue for that was when he stayed at my house and I provided him his own box of tissue and a small waste bin to throw them in. But at his house it’s a regular thing. Now I understand why the carpet is crusty and matted down…eeew! I am so repulsed by this, how can I ask him to change his ways without offending him?

  • Oh geez, where do i begin? My husband who I have always loved dearly (but rethinking that now) is just gross. He only brushes his teeth after he showers (3 or 4 times a week) ewwww! He is extremely lazy…here is a wonderful example…I hurt my ankle and couldn’t mow the yard, he did it once…so off we went to buy a riding mower (we have 1/2 acre)…he got lots of info and began doing research on which one he wanted to purchase…the next week my ankle was fine…guess what? Thats right, he said well now your ankle has healed I can’t justify buying a rider as our lawn isn’t big enough argggghhhh!! I can’t have a single friend at our house because the only thing he discusses is the smell of his farts & what his poop looks and smells like…seriously are you 10??? He will sit at the kitchen table and wait for dinner to be done as I am running around the kitchen like a idiot multi tasking 6 things at once…he begins fixing his plate and eating as I am setting it down. If i had time i would continue because this list goes on, and on, and then some more!!! HELP

    • I just googled “my man grosses me out” and I found this blog. I’m so glad I’m not alone!! I’ve been married less than a year, but this wasn’t his first rodeo. I don’t remember my guy EVER doing the stuff he’s doing now. I hate when I turn over at night and I shift the covers and smell FART. I hate the way he smacks his food with his mouth open. He’s been eating pistachios lately by popping the whole thing in his mouth. Shell and all…then he spits out the shell and leaves it on the coffee table. He does clean up the shells when he’s done, but it leaves a wet spot from his spit. I’ve never been so grossed out in my life. NO LIBIDO!!!!

  • I can relate to a few things on your list. Let me add “snot rockets” in the shower!! Sometimes outside in my presence. If he’s confused he’s deaf cause I’ve lost my mind over it every time I see it. Makes me want to puke.