10 Do’s And Don’ts While Getting A Mammogram

Jessica
Written by Jessica

In honor of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I’m sharing with you 10 ways to improve your mammogram experience. You ARE getting one, right? Good, that’s what I thought.

1) Don’t bother with the tit jokes. “I’ve brought the tatas out for a play date” type shit gets old in a hurry. Trust me, the techs have heard it all.

2) It’s nice if you can have a woman do your mammogram, unless you are OK getting felt up by a dude in blue gloves.

3) Do not, under any circumstance, use the word “areola.” It’s just gross, even if it is technically correct.

4) Shave both armpits, not just one like I normally do.

5) Save the intimate boob talk for your sexting partner. No one wants to know details of your perky jugs.

6) Wearing deodorant proves you have nice manners in normal circumstances, but since you’re not supposed to wear deodorant to a mammogram, at least don’t jog beforehand.

7) Look away when the technician shoves your tits into a vice grip. It hurts less if you don’t watch.

8) Not sure what to chat about? Try talking shoes. Always a safe bet.

9) Don’t share your great grandmother’s breast cancer saga with a technician that hears 50 similar ones every day.  

10) Don’t update your Facebook with a status such as: “Hangin out and gettin’ portraits done of my girls.” Guess what? No one gives a shit.

Please don’t put off an appointment because you are scared. In this case, ignorance is not bliss. When it comes to potentially saving your life, now is not the time to be a pussy.

If that still doesn’t convince you, maybe the chocolate they give you afterwards will.

 

Editor’s note: We originally published this post on Facebook with an image of what getting a mammogram (kinda) looks like. We’ve been assured that your breast gets squished more than this, but you get the idea. Facebook yanked our post down and threatened to unpublish the page for sharing a photo of a medical procedure which happened to include a nipple. So fine, we changed the Facebook image. But we also believe in women’s education and that you should have the right to know what a mammogram looks like. So here you go: this is the evil nipple shot that got us into trouble.

A young woman taking a mammogram x-ray test

About the author

Jessica

Jessica

Jessica is a wannabe urban homesteader, living in Portland with her blended family of 4 kids, 3 rescue dogs and 4 chickens named after Starbucks drinks. A former pharmacy student, Jessica decided she like baking better than drugs so went to pastry school instead. Described by her friend as a "Feminist Jedi Master", Jessica can be found spreading 'peace and wisdom' over at her blog, The Dalai Mama, at www.travelingmercies-jessica.blogspot.com

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18 Comments

  • “4) Shave both armpits, not just one like I normally do.” BAHAHAHA! I think I have that going on right now.

    You also forgot to mention: “Don’t laugh at the hysterically named Mammowipes they give you when you’re done.” I didn’t know that rule, and I wish I had. The technician was not amused.

  • Don’t wear any deodorant, perfume, lotion, or powder under your arms or on your breasts on the day of your mammogram appointment. These things can make shadows show up on your mammogram.

  • For me, being rather large up top, I especially like seeing what they look like smooshed tight under the clear acrylic squasher thing. It’s kind of like a map with the veins serving as rivers. I usually end up with a nasty red welt under each arm but you know what – it hurts less than CANCER. Do it.
    Carin recently posted…Ladybug Ladybug Fly Away HomeMy Profile

  • Here’s another tip. Stop the caffeine intake for 72 hours before your mammogram to reduce the squash pain… I find it helps. I’m especially fond too, of hanging on to the grab bars for dear life and and yelling … Aieeeee Dolor! … when my scarred breast is being scanned… nothing helps more!

  • Thermography / Thermograms ROCK!
    Zero Radiation, zero pain, completely safe, creates a map & detection is 8 years before a mammogram.
    Google “The Truth about Cancer” by Ty Bollinger.
    (Episode 2)

  • Or better still don’t have one. They provide inaccurate results and increase the chances of getting breast cancer. See the Dr Mercola and GreenMedInfo websites for further information.

  • Please don’t laugh at me but I googled “can I shave my armpits before a mammogram” and this article came up LOL but thank you for it it made me laugh and you got my type of sense of humor. I’m not going to lie I put off 2 effing mammograms because I’m scared- and quite honestly I have a very weird body dysmorphia thing with my boobs..
    They’ve always been on the large side and I guess I’m just uncomfortable with any attention being paid to them in anyway shape or form. It’s to the point that I will risk illness and injury to avoid having a doctor even look at them in an exam room. Yes I know I need psychiatric help ASAP. I am getting it by the way
    Of course there’s a lot more to my boobs story but I won’t bore you to death here. But I’m scared for this mammogram coming up this Tuesday and they are doing an alter sound at the same time or right after the mammogram or right before or whatever but I’m just scared. The swelling in the armpit area the pain my mom’s history with breast cancer that just came back recently. So yeah I’m 42 years old and I’m scared and I making all those promises to God. If you get me out of this one I will never skip another doctors appointment again type promises. Haul my goodness OK I need to go take another of course there’s a lot more to my boobs story but I won’t bore you to death here. But I’m scared for this mammogram coming up this Tuesday and they are doing an alter sound at the same time or right after the mammogram or right before or whatever but I’m just scared. The swelling in the armpit area the pain my mom‘s history with breast cancer that just came back recently. So yeah I’m 42 years old and I’m scared and I making all those promises to God. If you get me out of this one I will never skip another doctors appointment again type promises. Oh my goodness OK I need to go take another Xanax