Don’t you love how relationships start with that glorious energy that has you banging like spider monkeys all night long? You figure this is how it will be forever and ever amen.
After some years (pick your number) the bumping of uglies slows way the hell down. Although perhaps you are an outlier and still kick it on the regular, you lucky dogs. Or you might even be like that woman who says she give her husband a blow job every day just to be nice. (What the fuck is wrong with you lady? I told my husband it was fake news.) More than likely though, you struggle with divergent libidos.
Our BluntMoms writers were talking about sex in a long term relationship and we discovered the most gloriously funny thing. All of us have signs to our spouses to let them know if there will be some naked action tonight, or if there is no hope for their junk at this time.
Here are the most intimate details of the sex lives of your favourite Blunt Moms:
- He knows that he will 100% get laid when he cooks dinner that night or does some other form of domestic labor…like shampoo the couch.
Hell no: When I have my granny panties on, he knows I’m not in the mood for that shit.
- We use words!! He says, “Are we having relations tonight?” In the DUMBEST Batman voice and I laugh so hard. And it usually means he’s getting some.
- What I wear to bed- super-soft Snoopy t-shirt: good to go. Patrick Swayze Double Deuce Roadhouse t-shirt: no go. Also, if I get an unwarranted, unprompted foot rub, things look promising.
- I wear my terrible xmas pajamas…in July
- If there is bedtime apparel then odds are poor.
- I have a cow print onesie I wear when discretely saying without saying, no fucking way
- I shut the bedroom door before the dog can make it in the room and on the bed. It is not subtle at all.
- Jammies after dinner: no. Shower before bed: yes. By the time I get out of the shower, he’s already laid out something sexy to come to bed in.
- If I put the Zen music channel (aka The Shag channel) on in the bedroom, it’s a go.
- If I grab his junk and ask him if he is staying up to watch another show or coming to bed he gets the hint. He drops the remote and runs to the bedroom taking off his clothes on the way. When it is a night of denial, I make a production of yawning.
- If I text him a taco and a hot dog emoji, that means let’s get it on tonight. If I fart in bed, that’s me saying “not tonight” to make myself less attractive and therefore making him less inclined to make a move.
It would be bullshit to say that everybody gets as much or as little sex as they want. There is always somebody pouting about it
Maybe that should be a disclaimer that should be read at weddings. Can you picture the officiant saying this part?
“Over time immemorial unions of love have been formed like yours is today. In time you will have diverging sex drives, and it will cause more stress than money or toddlers. Have a long and happy life.”