I do it. You do it. Everybody does it. We all poop! Now that the obvious has been stated, let’s delve a little deeper and ponder just how we poop. That’s right. It’s time to determine your personal pooping style! You’re bound to recognize yourself (and your loved ones) in one or more of the following approaches to deuce dropping.
1. Routine Dumper
Every day, like clockwork, your ass has an appointment for its ride on the porcelain bus. You like to be in control of things and your bowel’s routine is reflective of your personality. Taking a dump at the same time each day makes you feel like you’ve got your shit together, so to speak. So much so, that if your poop-routine is somehow foiled, you feel quite unsettled. And, you vow to get your bowels (and your life) back on track.
2. The Announcer
You feel compelled to inform those who live with you (and sometimes even guests) of your intentions to go and do your business. You shout: “I’m going for a poo!” as you head off to the loo. You do it habitually and you’re not even sure why you do it. Perhaps you want to ensure your privacy or maybe you just like to keep everyone in the know. The reason is uncertain but you do it and you will continue to announce it. Every. Single. Time.
3. The Reporter
Once you’ve returned from dropping the kids off at the pool, you give a quick update on how it went. You’ll share that the spicy curry worked its magic, confess that you’ve clogged the toilet (again), and even offer to show curious family members the size or unique shape of your deposit. You need to keep others in the loop, about every damn poop, whether they like it or not.
4. The Weight-Lifter
When your ass hits the pot, you’ve got others looking around wondering how the hell they ended up in the heavy weights section of the gym. But, no matter how hard they look, they won’t find a meathead sporting a Gold’s Gym tank top. Because the grunts and groans are coming from you as you embark upon a very vocal number two. You don’t really know why you grunt. You may not even realize that you groan. But, like that meathead at the gym, you make those around you feel, well… queasy.
5. The Laxative Popper
You’ve landed yourself with this pooping style through years of bad habits. When many-a-turtlehead came out to say “helloooo,” you turned them away. Why did you do this? Because the conditions weren’t right. That’s why! Meaning, you weren’t alone in a private bathroom; located down a long hallway and around the corner; far away from anyone who may possibly hear you. That’s right, you ignored a few too many poops over the years and your digestive track finally digressed. And because of this, you now need laxatives to do the work for you. It sucks and you wish it weren’t so but it is what it is! The power to poop is no longer yours.
6. The Once-a-Weeker
Perhaps you used to be Laxative Popper who’s decided to go au naturel. Or maybe your body just isn’t that interested in shitting, no matter how much dried fruit and prune juice you consume. You wish the three S’s were a daily reality for you. But they aren’t. So, you’ve learned to live with your weekly drop off and the bloated tummy, lack of energy, and moodiness leading up to it. And, without fail, your weekly delivery is followed by a necessary post-shit recovery period. Yes, you birth to a few mega-poos, plunge the toilet, and promptly find a place to lay before you faint. Once in the fetal position, your body comes to terms with the newly-released toxins, and your rectal trout-pout works hard to deflate. Fifteen minutes later, you’re ready to take on the world!
7. The Performer
This isn’t likely your chosen style, although it may be. Most often, it’s circumstances that lead one to take on the Performer style of shitting. You poop with an audience because if you didn’t you’d never get to poop. You’ve learned to tolerate and even embrace shitting in the presence of others. Going to the bathroom alone is a luxury from your past. And, who knows, it may very well be a part of your future. But, for now, you’ll carry on starring in your one woman shit-show.
8. The Plop & Goer
The envy of many, you curl-out turds like a rabbit gives birth — often and easily. You shit here. You shit there. You shit everywhere. Your take-care-of business approach to pooping is reflective of your personality, as well. You’re a doer. You like to take charge and make things happen and you’re not afraid to make a stink.
9. The Faker
You’re regularly on the can, for extended periods of time. Your family members are getting concerned that you have IBS or that maybe you need to cut down on your fibre intake. Little do they know, the porcelain throne has become your new peaceful place of solitude. Whether you’re reading, sipping wine, or playing Candy Crush, you capture a little Zen each time you visit the loo for a fake number two.
So, what’s your style?