How I Went From A Hover Mother To I Don’t Give A Mother Fucker

How I Went From A Hover Mother To I Don't Give A Mother Fucker -
Jennifer Scharf
Written by Jennifer Scharf
Life as a parent is hard. But you can unburden yourself from the pressures of raising a perfect child by just getting a little less “hover” and a little more “chill.”
Here is an easy guide for what you should say to your kids when you lower your standards:
I will no longer be cutting your grapes and hot dogs: Chew. Or learn to self-Heimlich.
There will be no more assisted ass-wiping: Skid marks never killed anybody.
Board Games: It’s time for you to lose fair and square. Your ass is going down in Candy Land.
Dinner: No more gluten-free, non-GMO, free-range meals. Pour yourself a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.
Mandarin, Russian, Math, And Suzuki Violin: All lessons on a long hard road to Harvard are cancelled effective immediately. You’ve got it or you don’t.
Nanny Cam: I’m turning it off. Do whatever you want in the privacy of your own bedroom.
Germs: I’m throwing away the hand sanitizer. Sorry kiddo, life is risky.
School Bus: I will not drive behind it on field trip days. Transportation is provided.
Dioramas: I’ll give you a shoe-box, but that’s where I draw the line.
Other Homework: I graduated; this is all you.
Indoor Trampoline Birthday Parties: We’ll always have other plans.
Shoes: I’m buying you lace-up sneakers, and I’m not tying them for you.
Swim Lessons: Sink or swim, baby.
Supervised Playdates: Hang in the basement with your friends. How much damage can you do down there?
Baths: No more bubbles and mermaids.
Take care of your own grooming: I hear unkempt hair repels lice.
Life is so much easier when you’re a mother who doesn’t give a fucker!
Jennifer Scharf is a humor writer with essays published in McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, Mamalode, The Mid and more. Follow her on Twitter @momcoms and Facebook.

About the author

Jennifer Scharf

Jennifer Scharf

Jennifer Scharf is a freelance writer with essays featured in McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, Mamalode, The Mid, BLUNTmoms and more. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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