In honor of back to school after Christmas break (can I get an “Amen?”), I’m sharing thoughts on the car-pool lane, a.k.a the drop-off lane, or simply the parking lot. If you have school age kids who don’t take the bus, you know all about slow moving vehicles, painted lines and safety patrol. Sounds simple, right? And yet somehow, it’s a clusterfuck no matter how routine and fixed the rules remain.

Every year, the same shit happens. And, after a break of any length, it gets worse. For my kids, Christmas break was seventeen days. Seventeen days. People forget everything. But the rules are the same. You stay in your car, you put your phone away, you pay attention to what the fuck you’re doing and you drive to the curb. Schools communicate these rules. Take three minutes, read the email or flyer or whatever you got at the beginning of the year. Even if you’re new, be a lemming. Do what the rest of us are doing and you’ll get the hang of it. I promise.

And before you go all “what a sexist” on me, don’t think because you’re a dad, you’re exempt. I’m watching you too, pal and I know you pull the same shit.

Clueless Mom

Clueless is one of my favorites. She just got a new massive-ass SUV. It’s a Lexus, or an Infiniti and it cost more than a teacher’s annual salary. It’s shiny like the giant rock of a diamond on her French manicured hands and she’s terrified of ruining its Turtle Wax shine. When it comes to actually moving forward, she’s not sure if it’s safe to put her foot on the accelerator. When she does, oops, she floors it. She may look innocent but she’s dangerous. Let her go in front of you. Feel really good about yourself and let other cars go too. Build as much distance as you can between you and that dizzy killing machine.

Multi-tasker Mom

Multi-tasker Mom is texting, posting to Facebook and/or doing her make up. She may even be scheduling her next mammogram. Whatever it is, it’s insanely unsafe. Girlfriend, please just stop. That shit is ridiculous and you know it. How many times do you need to see cars wrapped around trees to get the message? Unless you are parked off an abandoned country road with Idris Elba, car-multitasking is not your friend. It’s also illegal in many states and double illegal in school zones. And, if you hit my kid because you’re fixing your lipstick, I will cut you.

And, finally there’s Anarchy Mom:

She’s a radical and the rules don’t apply. Typically she pulls an I’m just going to hop out of the car in the middle of the line move. She’s a triple threat with multiple rule violations, unsafe conditions for all, and a traffic backup. She leaves her driver side door open, the car running, and a toddler alone in a car seat. Then she disappears. She’s driving a mini-van, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but her kid’s fucking door opens by itself. What possible reason could she have for getting out of the car? No reason. Stay in your car, Anarchy Mom.

Unless your kid is the size of Whosville’s Cindy-Lou, in which case park your car and pick her up in person, please follow protocol. You’re not exempt no matter how well you emulate Al Pacino and scream “Attica, Attica!”

Now that you know who to watch for, keep in mind next week, everyone, even the rule followers, will be hung-over from too much parenting, too much yelling, and way too much eggnog. Be on your toes out there.
Or, you can do what I’m doing: pitch a tent in the school playground and set the kids up with food and charged electronics. They’ll be fine. And, you can sleep in.

This post originally ran on In Other Words.

About the author: Jenny Kanevsky lives in Austin, Texas with her husband, two sons, three cats and one bearded dragon. She blogs at IN OTHER WORDS and is the author of the mystery novel Chosen Quarry. Follow her on Twitter.

Author

Jenny Kanevsky is the author of the mystery Chosen Quarry and a copywriter and content marketing provider. Visit her site jennykanevsky.com She is also an editor at The Good Men Project and a contributor at Huffington Post . She lives in Austin, Texas.

10 Comments

  1. I am very thankful my kids are bus riders. I remember a movie in the 80’s called Mr. Mom where the dad screwed up the carpool process…I am probably dating myself.

    I wonder which one I am?!

    • That’s funny about Mr. Mom. So many friends have horror stories about carpool from the inside of the car, i.e., multiple kids shrieking, fighting, trying to get in and out, etc. I only drive my own kid/s either way because of where we live, there’s no efficiency in carpooling, plus I hate that shit. Carpooling, playdates, I mean, yes, it’s fun when they have friends over, but can I go out, or drink, or take a nap? No? Not ok?

      • Jenny, I had a mom actually pull that whole “let me invite your kid for a sleepover and then I’ll just disappear” routine. When I picked him up the next day and asked how it went I just about died when he mentioned the part about how the mom went out to get the kids a movie and popcorn at 6pm (leaving the kids home alone) and then returned 4 HOURS LATER at 10pm. Can’t tell if the mom is brilliant or fucking nuts.

  2. This the main thing I don’t miss now that my kids are grownups. When I think of the hours I’ve lost in my life sitting in that line! I loved this hilarious!

  3. Ohh Jenny, I so loved this post—even reading it the second time around. You kill me and I just love you and your wit. SO much!

  4. In our drop off line we have the option of pulling over to a separate area if you need extra time to get your shit together but the people who are the most lost NEVER pull over. When the trunk pops open in the car in front of me, I get a little homicidal. Great piece.

    • I hear you Maureen. I left one out, the “Short Stop.” In the middle school line, they just stop, at random while cars are driving behind them to let their kids out. There is a specific drop off spot. OMG. I almost hit someone today. No blinker, no warning, driving along and then brake in the middle of the parking lot. Morons!

  5. The pricey SUV!!!! that’s so true! You hit the nail on the head with that one!. This first week back has been an asshole fest. Parents forgetting or just refusing to follow the protocol we’ve all gotten used to for 4 freakin’ months. I drive a minivan BTW, and the doors do open by themselves…so awesome, but I would never pull that douchbaggery in the drop off line.

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