Dear “Single” Men of the Internet,
This is by no means a complete list of all the shit you’re doing wrong in the online dating world. But please, listen up! You’re creeping us out and this is why…
WTF is up with your profile pic?
Maybe my bullshit metre is too high, or maybe that pic of a male model really is you. Either way you’ve caught my attention. I’ve swiped through far too many bathroom mirror selfies and bare chested pics since I started this online dating thing. And what the hell’s the deal with people with no profile pics? I understand their reasons, “privacy” and what not ….but unless you’re in a witness protection program, married, working undercover, or a combination of two or more of these factors ( like my ex) put up a damn picture and make it a good one.
Your username is more like a losername …
our profile pic caught my attention – under false pretenses or otherwise.
Dear Tacolover_69xxx … what the hell are you thinking? Do you not want any women to respond to you? Do you prefer if we give a nod to your taco reference or charm you with a line about your favourite number (winky face). As for you brknhrtd_lnelyguy enough with your pity party. That sad excuse of a username may have worked on the last five hook ups but not on this mystery shopper. Go lick your wounds somewhere else or get in touch with tacolover_69xxx for some special tips on “next level” licking.
If your status says any of the following, you are a fuck-wad …
In a (an open) Relationship
Does she know that? Either way – there are sites for that.
This should be rephrased as a long and life-draining question, “Are you interested in helping me bang out my angst and sadness, trash talk my ex, navigate my separation agreement and be a stepping stone into my newly found single life and sexual freedom?”
Are you “the one?”
Hopefully you’ve been through the above stages. Hopefully you aren’t a douche. Hopefully you aren’t clingy (hopefully these red flags will appear early on).
Your profile deets say so much…
Too little information speaks to lack of effort. Too much information and you must be more committed to the dating process than myself. Too braggy – ew. Too informal – ew. Crass -ewwwwwww. Excessively witty, comical or off the wall and I will read start to finish and assume one of two things.
1) You paid someone to write your profile (yes, that’s actually a “thing”)
2) You take dating less seriously than I do and hence, are unlikely to respond or follow through with anyone.
In this case, you might be my spirit animal, but I don’t want to date you.
This is how you make a first impression? WTF?!
“Wanna break a bed together?”
“Hi my name is Dinko…” (I couldn’t make this up if I tried.)
“You look like trouble, wanna meet my trouble maker?”
“Tell me, why would I want to pour my heart and soul into you” (not to be rude, I wouldn’t want that)
“Beautiful” “Darlin’” “Sweetheart” “Babe”
*terms of endearment are not cool. We are strangers. That is all.
Be “normal” and if your “normal” is weirdo pervy, then prepare to be ignored.
We’re in the “Let’s Meet Up” stage BUT then you do this shit, and I throw up in my mouth a little more each time
Asking for or assuming sex out of the gate is not an impressive move. I might continue talking to you…but your entitled show of perviness has been duly noted. It makes me hesitant to meet you.
A lunch invite seems harmless, though an imposition on my day.
It is rare that I agree to meet anyone, so if I agree to meet you for lunch somewhere….don’t pull a predatorial bait and switch, suggesting we meet at your place instead.
In this instance, one of two things will happen …
I will call you on it and shut you down or I will insist on meeting in a well lit, public place.
My guard is back up and I am relieved that your douchiness surfaced early in the game.
You seemed normal… but then you let the snake out of its cage UNINVITED!
This last category is reserved for when the interaction is seemingly going well. It’s cautious and fun but promising. UNTIL…you take it upon yourself to send a nude pic. Gentlemen (using this term loosely) what on EARTH possesses you to send an unsolicited nude pic ?
Don’t bother explaining.
The flirty/humble offer to send nude pics is a game changer too…as in, “looking for feedback, or would it be ok if f I sent you a pic (of my hard cock)?…are you kidding me?
So fellas, please heed my warnings. Make some changes. Because currently, you are heading down a path to shallow nothingness. Perhaps it’s time to enlist in the support of a trusted female friend who can “douche proof” your profile, give you a few more pointers on how not to scare away women. You’ll be happy you did, as will many a lady looking to wander from their “single by choice” status, into your arms.
The light in me sees the misguided perv in you.
With humour and a high alcohol tolerance, Vann Glorious is serving up the racy, raunchy, royally messed-up details of the divorced online dating world.
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