The Story of My First (and Likely Last) PTO Meeting

Wannabee BLUNT
Written by Wannabee BLUNT

Rex (my oldest) started Kindergarten this fall, catapulting me into a whole new world of elementary school parents, book fairs, curriculum nights, fundraisers, picnics, and parties.  Having no idea what I was getting myself into, I signed up to be one of two “room mothers” for his classroom.  I actually didn’t even know what a room mother was when I signed up, but I thought, What the hell. I’m gunna be at this school for a while, might as well get involved, right? My first responsibility was to attend the years’ first PTO meeting. Bring it on.

I arrived ten minutes early and I waited in my car until people started heading in, mostly because I didn’t know where I was going, but also because I didn’t wanna be the really eager uncool new mom all early and lame. I followed some women into the school, down the hallway toward the library, and eventually into the bathroom. I figured I should take their lead and go before the meeting started. I had just chugged a diet coke and had no idea how long these things were anyway.

There were four stalls, and I grabbed the open one.  I sat on the toilet and placed my bag on the floor next to me.

Now, here is where it gets tricky.  I mean, there are some obvious things that could have gone wrong in this moment, I suppose.  But I promise you, what I did, you will not see coming.

As I started to pee I glanced down at my wide-open purse and saw the confetti balloons I had purchased for my daughter’s first birthday party the following week.  I bought a package of twenty on Amazon, dropped sixteen of them at the party store to be filled with air and picked up for the party, and I had thrown the remaining four back in my purse. Right when I looked down and saw them, my brain actually thought this thought, “Wow, I actually don’t know what the confetti looks like in the balloon when it is blown up.  I should blow it up and see!”  And then before I could think anything else, I grabbed one of the balloons, and started to blow it up.  So, there I was, SITTING ON THE TOILET AT MY FIRST PTO MEETING, BLOWING UP A BALLOON.

I blew it up quickly actually, and when it was finished I was very happy with it!  I sat there, marveling at the metallic confetti and feeling excited about how cute these were going to look at my daughters’ party.  And then I remember having this quick thought, “well, now I have to deflate the balloon” and, before I was able to let any logic into my brain, I let go, and let the air out.

Now please pause for a just a moment and imagine what it sounds like when you let the air out of a balloon.  YUP.  Exactly

I was frozen. Mouth wide open. Dead. Unconscious. Why the fuck did I just do that? Who am I? Why am I allowed to have children? HELP. ME.
But really, what’s the fucking plan now?! I mean, I can’t walk out of the stall and turn to my almost-new PTO friends and say, “Oh, no, no. That wasn’t what you thought it was.  I’m actually a perfectly healthy person with no stomach issues or bowel problems, I just blew up a balloon while I was peeing and then I let the air out of it.  That’s what you heard!” Like, WHAT?! Am I a clown? A balloon?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! No.

So, I did the only thing I could do.  I got up, walked out, washed my hands, and went to the meeting.  And since I basically blacked out in the stall, I have no idea which moms were even in the bathroom with me, or what was discussed at the meeting. Oh, and I still have no idea what a room mother is.

And to think I was worried about being early.

Samm Davidson
I am the mom of three perfectly chaotic little crazies— Rex (5), Rocky (3), and Bizzy (1). (Don’t think the girl was a mistake, I squirted lemon juice up my vag to get her after having the two boys.)  I am also the wife to a kinda funny and really supportive guy named Matt.  Once upon a time I was an attorney, but right now I am momming pretty hardcore.  I love Justin Bieber, the poop emoji, Deep Eddy Vodka, online shopping, sparkly shit, DJ Pauly D., Starbucks Lattes, peace signs, and my electric blanket.  I am new to the solo blogging world with my freshly live site, www.onebizzymommy.com.

@onebizzymommy

About the author

Wannabee BLUNT

Wannabee BLUNT

Wannabe's are Guest Authors to BLUNTmoms. They might be one-hit wonders, or share a variety of posts with us. They "may" share their names with you, or they might write as "anonymous" but either way, they are sharing their stories and their opinions on our site, and for that we are grateful.

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