The story of the small penis’d boyfriend is a tale of woe and misery…
A bunch of years ago, I dated a guy with the smallest penis in the world. It was about the size of an adult’s thumb and might very well have been in the running for micro-penis classification.
This guy and I dated for a handful of months, but our relationship was doomed from the start. The first weeks of our fledgling romance were bliss; I was caught up in the highs of new love and unbothered by his missing manhood. I was a lonely gal and the joy of having a boyfriend outweighed the needs of a horny girl.
Lonely always trumps horny in the beginning.
As the novelty of being a couple wore off, I began to wonder just what the fuck was happening. There was no sex, the dry humping was sparse, zero hand-job action and definitely no pearl diving. All things that horny people love to do.
Was this guy a prude? Was it me? Were my tiny breasts so off-putting that he wanted nothing to do with me? In hindsight, I’m guessing that he had some serious wangxiety swirling around in that man brain of his, but I made it all about me.
On the bright side, it was the easiest head I ever gave – no choking, no gagging, no poking of the soft palate. Gross, I know, but as time passed with favours un-reciprocated I began to feel very… what’s the word?
To my horror, the tides turned and horny soon kicked lonely to the curb. It never dawned on me that this man-child was sexually stunted due to his tiny tripod and there was nothing to be done for it. My young 20 something-self took his lack of interest as rejection; I was ugly, gross and unwanted.
Lonely will make a girl do stupid things and I stuck with him, hoping he’d come around, but as fate would have it, there was no coming for me. Each night we spent together, my small penis’d boyfriend happily fell asleep beside my buzzing body. I’d stare at the ceiling, wondering what was wrong with me that he didn’t want to dive face-first into my crotch.
It’s not a stretch to say that the young and insecure suck at relationships. I lacked the confidence and ability to start a conversation that would have addressed both of our issues.
“Hey, sweetie? I’m fucking horny – why won’t you touch me?”
“Well, Jill, my whole life I’ve had this small wanker and as a result, I fear all sexual contact because it will just lead to intercourse, and frankly, I’m not sure this baby thumb can even penetrate.”
“Wow. So this isn’t about me? Well, I’m super good at masturbating, so I can teach you how to please me with your hands and fingers. Would that be a start?”
“Yes, I’d like that. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable.”
Um, whatdafuck! The likelihood of me being able to go down on my own self is higher than finding a 25-year-old capable of having this conversation.
No, my response was to break up with him and gossip about his tiny dick because I felt so rejected and angry. Not nice, but like I said, young, insecure, lonely… I was an asshole but I lacked the emotional maturity to handle it otherwise.
I haven’t seen Tiny or his tater tot in many years, but I hear about him through old high school friends. Apparently his gherkin was pickled enough to father a few children. Don’t get me wrong, my heart sort-of goes out to him and his stump, but our time together was enough to leave me with resentment and hurt. I try to have integrity in my dealings with people, but when your lover takes no interest in loving you, my first instinct is to find the dysfunction in them and bury a fucking axe in their back.
Would it be wrong to give advice to all of the penis-challenged men out there? Would I be remiss to point out that phallic friction is lovely, however women who have penis-induced orgasms are kind of like Unicorns.
We all kind of hope they are out there, but few have ever seen one. Fellas, face facts and learn to use the other tools at your disposal and you’ll be set. A micro-peen doesn’t mean you can’t be a good lover, just like having a gigantic vagina doesn’t mean a gal can’t still please her man.
Just own it and make do and we can all rest easy in an orgasm-induced stupor.