Years of marriage can be a complete anti-boner. Throw a kid or two into the mix…or in my case four kids… and your sex-ship is straight sinking. Finding the strength to provide my husband with a bi-weekly bang is almost fucking impossible considering by nightfall I can barely muster up energy to put on my Costco pajamas. Ya gotta do it though…just like ya gotta suck it up and do the laundry every day. No one said this shit would be pretty. Being the nice person that I am, I will simplify this whole process for us all. What can I say, I’m a giver.
Men want sex…women want a clean kitchen…simple marital transaction.
Fellas, no more wondering if your wife is going to put out…or if she is going to greet your horny advances by slapping you with her Life and Style magazine. So read this…read it again..once more for good measure…print it out and tape it to the bathroom mirror. Gentlemen I bring you my sure fire list of mom turn-ons. These gems are guaranteed to make your wifey whip off her mom
jeans and jiggle out of those droopy cotton panties. Take notes horn-dogs.
Make dinner…and then CLEAN IT ALL UP. Make the meal but don’t leave the kitchen a hot mess. Oh and do it all. You would not want us moms only doing 1/5 of sexy time now would you? No you would not. I bet your balls ache just thinking about that prospect.
Talk dirty to us…no not in a creepy 80’s porno way. That is super gross and makes us wonder if we married a closet drooling sex addict . Talk dirty like, “Hey babe, tomorrow on my day off I am going to do all of the landscaping chores. I’ll have the kids help out so you can have some time to yourself.” Or give this one a whirl, “Sweetie, I know you have been wanting me to paint the front porch and fix those sprinkler heads, I am going to do it tomorrow instead of watching sports.” OH.MY.GAWD. Spew a few of those lines and those flannel jammies will straight FLING off of that mom bod …at least mine would. Hell, I might even shave above my knees for this one!
Treat your woman to some shopping. No guys…not roses and chocolates. No more cubic zirconia heart pendants either please. Those are only acceptable if you are in high school. I am talking about the REAL shopping. Try out this gem… “Babe I got off of work early and I am gonna swing by the supermarket and do the groceries so that you don’t have to do it this weekend. I’ll grab some dinner too.” Do not be shocked if you hear your wife sobbing on the other end of the phone line. They are tears of joy…trust me. Do a victory lap around the supermarket…because you are getting laid tonight!
The early bird catches the worm guys.... and if you want your lady coming anywhere near yours… GET UP EARLY. Get up with those kids. Don’t let them snuggle in your bed early Sunday morning, (aka flail limbs all over mommy and snug that stinky pee soaked diaper right up close to her sleeping face!) That shit is only majestic in a Folgers Commercial. When you hear that first peep out of those adorable little asshats, spring into action. Grab them, drag them down stairs and do NOT by any means allow them to go seek out mommy until after 9 am. (Bonus points for unloading the dishwasher and having the breakfast cleaned up by the time she lumbers downstairs for coffee.) Trust me…you WANT those bonus points. You are never getting past missionary sex without an arsenal of bonus points. Without them you do not pass go…do not collect two hundred dollars and do NOT collect a blow-job.
Do date night…don’t be gross. Occasional date nights are marital necessities, so please don’t fuck it up. Guys, if you think you are going to chug some beers and stuff your dad bod full of spare ribs and pie, then return home for some loving…you are the worst! I don’t care HOW many years you have been married. If you are going to eat like you are going to the electric chair tomorrow no one but the family dog will be sleeping with you. Date nights are few and far between when kids enter the picture. Don’t throw it all away for a slab of ribs.
Guys, I have given you powerful tools to go forth and rock your woman’s world. Don’t blow it. For if you do it will be the only thing getting blown around your house for sometime.
About the author: Kristin is a blogging SAHM of 4 unruly princesses. When she is not busy raising humans and vacuuming up toys she can be found at the local Target or hiding in her laundry room where she writes for Red Tricycle, Suburban Misfit Mom and occasionally Sammiches and Psych Meds. Kristin is the snarky mastermind behind www.fourprincessesandthecheese.com. Catch up with her on Twitter, Instagram or Four Princesses Facebook.