Can We Get Princess Kate Some Sweatpants?

Lynn Morrison
Written by Lynn Morrison

What do you buy for the woman who already has everything? How about a pair of fricking sweatpants? Poor Princess Kate shoves a 8.3lb watermelon out of her royal v-j-hole and still has to put on a pair of pumps and a fitted dress just so she can go home. Can’t we cut a woman a bit a slack here folks?

When I gave birth, the doctor put the baby in my right hand and an ice-filled extra large diaper in my left. I spent the first 24 hours with my husband alternating between changing the baby’s nappy and my own. It looked like someone took a backhoe to my lady garden and then left the water hose on. When it came time to go home, I needed a pair of hammer pants to accommodate the fourteen layers of super extra absorbent nighttime with wings pads I had tied together, river-boat style. Even with all of that, my husband still made me sit on a beach towel on the furniture. 

I imagine the scene around the Lindo Wing where Kate pushed out a brand new royal probably looked a bit different. A quick dry shampoo while she was still sitting in the stirrups, a blowout and style while breastfeeding and just as soon as the kid conked out, some lackey rolled in with the final touch: a mother-effing white dress and a postnatal Diva cup. Dear lord, do you think they made her wear Spanx? 

You’d think that after birthing an heir and a spare, Princess Kate would finally be allowed to throw on a pair of Juicy Couture, prop her Ugg boots up on the table and let somebody else do the heavy lifting for a change. Hell, Kourtney Kardashian pulled her own babies out of the womb and she didn’t try and rock a white frock for the ride home. Even Diana, may she rest in peace, got to wear red. What gives Queen E?

So in case you’re thinking of sending a little something to let the royal family know you care, might we suggest a “Sit Yo Ass Down” themed gift basket with some compression knee-highs, mesh underwear and a few back issues of Us Weekly. And for goodness sake, don’t forget to include a pair of sweatpants!

About the author

Lynn Morrison

Lynn Morrison

Lynn Morrison is a smart-ass American raising two prim princesses with her obnoxiously skinny Italian husband in Oxford, England. If you've ever hidden pizza boxes at the bottom of the trash or worn maternity pants when not pregnant, chances are you'll like the Nomad Mom Diary. Catch up with her daily on Facebook and Twitter.

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

10 Comments

  • This post highlights reason #856 on my list titled, “Why I Would Not Want To Be Royalty.”

    I love the “Sit Yo Ass Down” theme basket – that killed me with its humor but it’s actually a *terrific* gift idea for anyone who needs to sit their ass down after giving birth (or just being in the hospital for any reason). Loved this piece!
    Alison Huff recently posted…For The Love Of WritingMy Profile

  • Shoot, I had no clue when I had baby #1. My “go home” clothes did not fit. With baby #2, the first thing packed was sweatpants. And I sure could’ve used such a nice gift basket! You seriously should run with your idea!
    kdcol recently posted…The dance, part twoMy Profile

  • Absolutely love this. Can we all just admit that this whole royal thing is so damn boring? I mean to tell you, who really cares? I have no desire to read about the royal kids’ names, dates of birth or anything else regarding their family. Sign me up to read about real families, the ones that have issues and have found creative ways to solve them. The families that struggle and pain is the means to growing up. Let me know when Kate decides to start a blog about the real issues of being a princess then maybe I will care what is going on their lives. Until then… only blunt moms please.

  • OMG Lynne! I am seriously crying with laughter at this post!

    ‘I needed a pair of hammer pants to accommodate the fourteen layers of super extra absorbent nighttime with wings pads I had tied together, river-boat style’ is one of the best things I have read in years!!!!

    Although seriously, I find the whole thing a bit ridiculous. I don’t feel other mothers would want to emulate Kate and her famous fanny, if anything it makes her seem all that much more unnatural and unreachable, and as a Brit speaking, I feel this is the wrong direction for the British monarchy.

    I’m sharing this.
    Sarah
    xxx
    Sarah recently posted…Why Are Parents Arseholes to Each Other?My Profile

  • Ha! I spent the first two weeks after childbirth waddling around with a twin mattress between my legs and My Breast Friend belted to my “waist.” I would imagine that it’s a little easier to smile for the paparazzi when you have a team of people to pamper you back to your old self while simultaneously relieving you of your latest barnacle. At least, maybe, she can sleep.

    Still, she HAS to be heavily medicated. I’m taking bets on when she snaps.
    Megan Premo recently posted…Why I Hate Expensive Toilet Paper (And You Should, Too!)My Profile