What do you buy for the woman who already has everything? How about a pair of fricking sweatpants? Poor Princess Kate shoves a 8.3lb watermelon out of her royal v-j-hole and still has to put on a pair of pumps and a fitted dress just so she can go home. Can’t we cut a woman a bit a slack here folks?
When I gave birth, the doctor put the baby in my right hand and an ice-filled extra large diaper in my left. I spent the first 24 hours with my husband alternating between changing the baby’s nappy and my own. It looked like someone took a backhoe to my lady garden and then left the water hose on. When it came time to go home, I needed a pair of hammer pants to accommodate the fourteen layers of super extra absorbent nighttime with wings pads I had tied together, river-boat style. Even with all of that, my husband still made me sit on a beach towel on the furniture.
I imagine the scene around the Lindo Wing where Kate pushed out a brand new royal probably looked a bit different. A quick dry shampoo while she was still sitting in the stirrups, a blowout and style while breastfeeding and just as soon as the kid conked out, some lackey rolled in with the final touch: a mother-effing white dress and a postnatal Diva cup. Dear lord, do you think they made her wear Spanx?
You’d think that after birthing an heir and a spare, Princess Kate would finally be allowed to throw on a pair of Juicy Couture, prop her Ugg boots up on the table and let somebody else do the heavy lifting for a change. Hell, Kourtney Kardashian pulled her own babies out of the womb and she didn’t try and rock a white frock for the ride home. Even Diana, may she rest in peace, got to wear red. What gives Queen E?
So in case you’re thinking of sending a little something to let the royal family know you care, might we suggest a “Sit Yo Ass Down” themed gift basket with some compression knee-highs, mesh underwear and a few back issues of Us Weekly. And for goodness sake, don’t forget to include a pair of sweatpants!