This post is a BluntMoms Rewind selection for 2014. Our writers love this post so much they want to share this with our readers again. Enjoy the awesomeness:
This morning started off like the stuff of romantic movie legends. Picture it: The warm glow of a slightly overcast sky gently brings me out of a luxurious uninterrupted 8 hour sleep. The kids are quietly and independently watching Netflix on another floor of the house with bowls of cereal in hand. I roll over and look at the time and it’s 8:45am. Bliss. I’m feeling sexy laying there in the morning light. Slipping into the bathroom to freshen up (code for pee and brush my teeth) I look at myself in the mirror and am startled that my hair is AH-mazing in that Victoria Secret model kind of way. Helloooo Giselle. Hellooo morning me. Morning me is the me before I’ve had the chance to start bloating and before I’m totally annoyed at the kids and their whining and fighting and before I come face to face with my 2 foot long to-do list and before my million email march thru the in-box and before the smokey eye shadow for a night out turns into exhausted dark under eye circles.
Morning me. It’s be best.
So after getting turned on just looking at morning me in the mirror I head back to bed, casually closing and locking the bedroom door as I glide past it because kids don’t appreciate the magnitude of what’s about to happen next, and god help them if they interrupt.
Back in bed, my husband rolls over; and of course, he’s ready to go; and since I’ve already decided the game plan, I lay back and let him think this is all his idea. 10 points right there, and I’m about to win wife of the year, because after some morning delight, he’s heading off for a casual weekend golf game. Yeah, I got this.
Morning me has had a chance to “freshen up,” but morning him has not, nor does he care at this point, so doggy style it is. I’m looking good, I’m feeling good, my husband is in his sweet spot, all is silent in the rest of the house when out of nowhere comes my mother-in-laws kitten (we’re cat sitting) who ninja attacks his dangling ball sack from behind.
And we end the morning feeling like we are in American Pie rather than Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
Sex fails happen to everyone, not just the guy who gets busted with a warm apple pie. Some of the other Bluntmoms shared their sex fails.
Sarah from Established 1975 confessed that she once caught a shot of sperm up her nose. #sexfail
Carrie from Ponies and Martinis confessed that her (then) boyfriend’s roommate was courteous enough to answer the door and let her parents in while she and her man were having sex in the shower. For some reason they needed to use that bathroom as soon as they arrived. She couldn’t look her dad in the eye the rest of the day. #sexfail
Pam from Divorce Doula confessed or rather professed “Dude. I never fail at sex.” #nosexfail
Have you ever had a #SexFail? Feel free to confess here.