My husband and I made an agreement years ago. A sexual agreement. An agreement that none of my friends can believe I hold strictly to. It’s nothing monumental or extravagantly kinky. I’m not engaging in a threesome or letting my husband tie me to the bed rails in all night bondage role-play session right out of Fifty Shades of Grey.
I am . . . wait for it. . . having sex with my husband twice a week. That’s right, we have four small children and we still engage in adult fornication twice every single week for the 15 years we have been married.
I don’t go around touting my sexual prowess to friends and family members. But I do have a group of close friends to whom I have shared my sexual agreement.
They all react the exact same way: deer in the headlights. They are shocked to the point of speechlessness.
Then they all say the same thing: “I need to do a better job with my husband in the bedroom.”
The biggest revelation I stumbled upon when speaking with my friends is that nobody is having sex. If they are, it is rare. One of my friends hasn’t had sex with her husband in years. Their marriage is now suffering.
There are countless articles about intimacy published daily – sleeping naked, fantasies, cuddling, how woman should screw their husbands every day – but not as much on the realistic frequency of sex among married couples.
I am certainly no superhero of female sexuality. I am quite sure there are plenty of couples out there who are having a lot more amazing sex a lot more often than eight times a month. But for my husband and I, the number that works perfectly in our marriage is sex twice week. My husband would like to have sex more than twice a week and I would like to have sex less, but twice a week is our happy medium.
I must admit, in my circle of married with children friends, I am a bit of a sexual superwoman.
“How do you do it?” They ask. Foreplay, I say. It’s all about foreplay. My husband butters me up with body massages. Some nights we negotiate sex. I have something he wants, so I ask for something I feel I need in my life at the time. For example, when my husband tries to make his moves on me but I’m not in the mood, I tell him I may be very turned on if he offers to get up with the kids in the morning while I sleep peacefully in my bed. Everybody wins.
“Why do you do it?” They ask. I do it because I love my husband and when I give my husband the gift of intimacy, we stay more connected. Sometimes I don’t feel the desire to have sex, but I do it anyway because sex and intimacy is the gateway to a happy husband and a wonderful marriage.
We are all stressed out and over-scheduled with work life and shuffling our children to various school and after-school activities. We get home and make dinner and fold laundry, pay the bills and wash dishes, bathe our children and read them stories. We are exhausted and we want to be left alone to our own quiet time.
But what marriage is going to survive without love and nurturing? If you planted a pot of flowers and then left them outside by themselves without watering, fertilizing or trimming the dead parts off, that pot of flowers would wilt and die.
While getting in bed with your spouse and cuddling before going to sleep may not be on the top of your priority list, we must do it for a healthy marriage. Intimacy and human connection is very important to make people feel special and valued in a relationship.
My husband says sex is a simple, and often quick, investment into your marriage. It doesn’t have to be an all-day Sting-inspired Tantric sexcapade.
Maybe twice a week sex isn’t going to work in your marriage like it does in mine, so start with whatever works for both of you.
I had coffee with my friend the other day. Like me, she has four children who she dedicates her life to. Like me, her husband works a lot. Like me, a lot of nights the last thing she feels like doing is shagging her husband. But at coffee she told me that she has been trying to take a page out of my book and find more intimacy in her marriage. She told me she is having sex with her husband once a week now, and her relationship feels more connected in a physical and spiritual way.
Men are very simple creatures and it doesn’t take much to make them happy. Women may think I am crazy having a twice a week sexual agreement. Men may think it’s not enough. Only you know what that magic compromise is.
You never know, maybe increasing the frequency of sex in your life will bear fruit . . . but not of the small human variety.
About the author: Megan Woolsey is the author of the blog, The Hip Mothership. When Megan is not raising four children (including triplets) or writing, she enjoys hot yoga, cooking, and obsessing about traveling the world. Her dream career is travel writing. Megan has been published on Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, BLUNTmoms, Bonbon Break, Role Reboot, Great Moments in Parenting and Erma Bombeck’s Writer’s Workshop. Connect with Megan on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.