My Perfectly-Perfect Pussy

All clear!

Smells good. Looks good…I am good.

And it’s go time.

My vagina is pure perfection. She’s pretty, and healthy. We are ready to be one with the world. Omg, I can’t even believe I am going to let her out of my pants when I have NO IDEA where your dick has been. I mean, really? I know exactly where she has been. She has been well-behaved and protected! I know exactly what she’s been doing lately, Mister! But where in the hell has that thing been? Yes, that. (As I point to the penis in front of me.) Where has he been lately? I want a doctor’s note immediately. Stat. And I mean before I put your dick near any of my holes.

What, you think I’m kidding? Well, I’m not.

Welcome to the world of online dating, and all things sex-after-divorce. Or sex before marriage. Or just sex. Ya, ain’t it grand? I just finished reading an article about the rise of  STD’s in the US due to the increase use of online dating apps. It argued that our online dating habits lead to more casual sex among younger crowds. Great. Younger crowds? Does that mean because I’m forty-four I’m considered older, and I’m in the clear? Pun intended. Hell to the no. I’m not. Do you even know how many guys have actually tried to fuck me without a rubber? Ya, I said it. Too bad. You piggy-sluts are outed, and I’m doing it for the good of the vagina! It’s NOT ok, boys. It’s just not. You must use a rubber. And girls, you must have condoms handy! Buy them, and insist on using them, unless you have PROOF of a perfectly-pristine penis. Or men, you know your chica has a healthy, gunk-free vagina. Get those HPV vaccinations, they are now approved by the FDA for women (and men) over 40. Did you know that? I actually had the HPV vaccine right after my divorce 4 years ago. YES I did! (It’s called Gardasil, if you want to Google it.)

Do your research, and protect your pussy!

I’m telling you, it’s scary. But guess what? The reason there is a RISE in the transmission of STDs is because people don’t even know they have one. There are many STD’s that are symptom free. HOLY SHITBALLS! Can you believe it? Men, your dick doesn’t have to fall off for you to have HPV, or chlamydia. You can actually be a carrier, and transmit it to your partner without even having a clue. Do you hear me? So listen, it’s ok to ask a new date if she’s been tested; if she is clean. And don’t touch that vajay-jay if she doesn’t give you a straight answer. Or if you have any doubts about your own well being, technology is now working for you. They have come out with on-line testing kits can be sent directly to your house. For real. All you do is collect a sample of urine at home, or a sample of goo…and send it back to the lab. And women, if your vag stinks, get it checked. There are OTC tests for BV (bacterial vaginosis) now; we can all have perfect pussies! It’s so worth it, y’all. For your own health, and your partner’s. Even if you don’t think the chick is long term, or the guy might not be “the one”…Protect the private parts.  

Listen, shit happens. We all make mistakes, and most of them can be treated with a high dose of oral antibiotics…Or a big shot in the ass. But other crap, can’t. Some STDs are viral, and unfortunately can’t be “cured” with meds. They’re your “friend for life”. So if you are not in a monogamous relationship, use protection. Be responsible, y’all. Jesus I sound like a nun, or Mary fucking Poppins…But if I don’t tell you this shit, who will? I feel like it’s probably been a really long time since you’ve been out there spreading your legs, am I right? Oh, sorry. That would be me. I’m the one playing with myself because I’m scared shitless I’ll catch something. Ok, I kid. But I do ask for a doctor’s note on every first date. I shit you not. I’m not fucking up this perfectly-puuuurfect pussy. 😉

About the author

Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub

Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub hates shrimp and grits, refuses to say,”Bless your Heart”….And rarely steps outside between June and October. Being from Detroit makes living in the South a bit hard to handle. Add a divorce, two kick-ass teen-aged boys and a pretty cool Ex husband…you’ve got something to blog about, The Truth Hurvitz. Jennifer’s readers describe her as “raw and in-your-face” and they’re right! She is thrilled to be a new author here on BLUNTmoms, and can be found on Suburban Misfit Mom, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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