As the holiday season draws near, gift guides are popping up all over the Internet. Everyone from Gweneth Paltrow to your local farmers market have put together suggestions for the best gifts to show those you love just how special they are.
This is all well and good, but what if you are stuck trying to brainstorm ideas for someone you don’t like, but are required to purchase a gift for regardless of your seething disdain?
I’ve racked my brain to come up with a special gift guide for those who are in my predicament too. (Your thank you cards with gratuities can be mailed to my home address, preferably in large bills with non-sequential serial numbers.)
1. Anything covered in glitter
In the event of a nuclear holocaust, the only two things that would remain on this earth will be glitter and cockroaches, which is why it’s the perfect thing to kick off our peachy list of passive aggressive gift giving.
Science fact #1: People (and rats) can’t help but be drawn to shiny things, so the immediate reaction will be to more closely examine the object.
Science fact #2: Glitter, upon entering a household, has the ability to disperse evenly throughout the residence with an efficiency and thoroughness matched only by the great flu epidemic of 1918.
Science fact #3: You cannot remove glitter effectively from anything, and any attempt to do so will merely aid its spread, and/or transfer it to another surface where its reign of terror will continue.
2. Dumbass glove socks (aka socks with toe condoms)
For the perpetually cold asshole on your Christmas list, the perfect gift that shows you care about their comfort, but only in the sense that you will work to deny it. Socks with toe condoms: Because the only thing worse than a butt wedgie is a toe wedgie.
3. Carob holiday candy
Nothing says “No really, I f*cking hate you” like carob. Get their hopes up with a box of festively shaped, shiny brown goodies, and then metaphorically punch them in the throat with chocolate’s fugly cousin, carob. Extra points if it also contains raisins.
4. A button up shirt, with holes that are too small
Admittedly, this will take some work, but with just an hour or so of your time, you can frustrate and confuse the recipient of your thoughtful gift for eternity-ish. Simply purchase a shirt, preferably one your giftee would actually like, then sew just enough of each button hole together to make buttoning and unbuttoning annoyingly difficult.
5. A possum (or an opposum, depending on where you live)
Step 1. Set a live trap to capture o/possum.
Step 2. Because you aren’t a monster, make sure captured o/possum doesn’t have rabies.
Step 3. Print out certificate stating o/possum is actually very rare and expensive heritage breed cat from Russia, who, for reasons that must remain secret, is a political refugee and in dire need of being rescued.
Step 4. Include welding gloves and Neosporin in gift bag in case you ever have to visit.
6. A lifetime supply of 1-ply toilet paper
What better gift for your least favorite shit head than shit on their hand, courtesy of the laughing stock of the toilet paper world?
With minimal effort, and some luck with your live trap, you too can horrify your friends and family with memorable gifts that are sure to disappoint for years to come.