BLUNTmoms

Multiple Orgasms For Everybody, Except Me

In a private Facebook group consisting of about 150 women, the following question was posed:

“Multiple Orgasms: Fact or fiction?”

I responded early in the thread that I knew multiple orgasms were a fact, but that I hadn’t quite figured it out for myself.

Then everyone else chimed in, and I soon learned how many different ways one can smugly type the word “fact.”

“FACT.” 

Here, with understated caps and a simple period, we have a falsely modest multiple orgasmer who is obviously really saying: “So sorry you haven’t figured out your body yet. I’m so glad I’ve figured out mine and therefore have many, many more orgasms than you.”

“fact!!!”

The lower case letters plus multiple exclamation points in this iteration read to me as less smug and more thrilled/elated, thus hinting at only a recent discovery of multiple orgasms: “I just figured this out like three weeks ago! This is honestly the best thing ever to happen in my life!”

“FACT!”

Okay, caps and an exclamation point? I suspect this person typed her comment while sitting on a vibrator and exploding with her third orgasm. Simmer down a little, sister.

“DEFINITELY FACT!!!”

Really??? Shouty caps with the entirely unnecessary and brazenly vulgar addition of the word “definitely”? Why don’t you just rub your multiple orgasms right in my face? Actually, don’t. That sounds gross. Stay where you are.

As more “fact” comments flooded the thread, I found myself becoming increasingly uncomfortable. I began to honestly wonder if I was defective. I mean, I have to work really hard to achieve just one orgasm. The laundry has to be done, the bills have to paid, the fan must be off, I can’t have sweat dripping down my butt crack, and my legs have to be spread symmetrically. If one is spread farther than the other it drives me absolutely crazy, and not in a good way. On top of all of that, I still have to conjure up naughty fantasies about cheerleader gang bangs or The Pharaoh and the Pretty Slave… all just to attain that one single orgasm.

Of course, being me, I can’t leave well enough alone. After about 40 “fact” comments, I had to say: “Fuck all you ladies.” The other group members thought I was hilarious, and also… that I needed some coaching.

The thread quickly turned into an orgasm-tutoring session… just for me! So exciting! Sure, not “multiple orgasms” exciting, but hey, a single-orgasm girl like me takes what she can get!

“Here, try this $200 vibrator. Trust me.”

Well shit. I don’t own a single sex toy. Am I supposed to? Are my husband’s fingers, tongue, and penis not enough? Am I doing everything totally ass-backwards? (Or perhaps, given the subject material, not ass-backwards enough?) Also, I can feed my family for a week and a half on $200. I am kind of curious to try out that vibrator, but is there a generic version? Or am I supposed to care enough about my orgasms to pay good money for high-quality sex toys? Maybe I can find a Groupon.

“Try it first by yourself; once you’ve got it, you can teach your husband.”

Believe me, I have tried by myself. Granted I don’t own a vibrator, but I have some pretty agile fingers, a smart phone, and Wi-Fi. Oh yes, I have tried. But I’m usually so exhausted after chasing down the first orgasm that I have zero energy left to go digging around for another.

“Do you know where your G-spot is?”

Yeah, I know where my G-spot is, thankyouverymuch. Sometimes I even use that sucker to hunt that ever-elusive magical unicorn, the single orgasm! Yay!!

***

I know these women were just trying to help, but the conversation left me feeling… incomplete. Less than. Not woman enough.

So what I want to know is this: Is it really so common to have multiple orgasms? Why did only two other women in that group of 150 comment that they also couldn’t get off twice in a row? I feel like a freak; I need to know I’m not alone here. Ladies? Are you out there? Why is the talk always about how hot and steamy and frequent and orgasmic sex is? Where are the women who are more like me, who have to work at it?

Talk to me.