I read the Twilight Books. Every stinkin’ one. Someone told me “if you liked Twilight, you’ll love 50 Shades of Grey.” I wish I could remember who said that so I could kick their ass. I’m no book critic but I know crap when I see it.

The initial 50 Shades hype has fizzled but the upcoming release of the movie is causing women worldwide to get twitterpated about the hot-hot-hot trailer and the perpetually dysfunctional horndog with mommy issues that is Christian Grey.

By the way, if you’ve been hiding under a rock, haven’t read the book, and you are the type who gets upset about possible movie “spoilers,” then turn around right now.

Don’t pass GO, don’t collect $200.

This book series is fan fiction written by someone who didn’t think Twilight was sexy enough. It’s a little creepy that someone thought a book about high school kids needed more nooky. Granted, one kid had been 17 for a really long time, but still.  Ew.

The storyline mimics Twilight in character description and basic demographics. Awkward girl meets smokin’ hot, emotionally distant rich dude. Girlfriend is drawn to him, like a fly to cow poop, in spite of the fact that he’s a textbook commitment-phobe with (what anyone who can spell “psychology” can recognize) abandonment issues.

There are three books to the series, but I’ll confess I didn’t finish. Somewhere during the first chapter of the third book, I asked myself “why am I reading this crap?” and stepped away from the Kindle.

To give you a short recap, Edward Christian initially tries to push Bella Anastasia away, despite the oh-so-powerful attraction. Once he decided Bellastasia was the gal for him, he handed her a contract specifying how she’d be his on-call sex toy for shenanigans in his “red room of pain.” Anyone who’s seen The Good Wife can figure out this contract isn’t legally binding, but girlfriend fretted over it like it was the Magna Carta.  Do I really need to mention that Christian Grey likes a side order of freaky with his morning grits?

Despite the fact that our commitment-phobic hottie wants a regular romp devoid of emotion, these two predictably fall in love. Although his controlling nature freaks Bellastasia out, their courtship moves at warp speed. They were honeymooning when I decided I said “take this book and shove it.” I’m assuming they lived freakily ever, after but if there was some kind of plot twist, I’m blissfully ignorant.

Why I don’t like this book:

Double standard:

We chuckle about the suburban mom getting hot and bothered reading detailed accounts of BDSM sex while sitting in the carpool line. Mommy porn sounds harmless, right? Flip the script and I bet we’re not okay with a guy reading “daddy porn” at soccer practice.  We’d give that guy major stink eye and get our kids the hell out of there.

Bad examples:

This isn’t a healthy ideal for young women.  Girls the world over are romanticizing controlling behavior. Bellastasia lets her man pick her clothes and control her social calendar. She snivels about lack of control, but happily accepts all kind of expensive presents and calls it good. Are we sending the message that it’s okay if the guy is a controlling douchebag if he buys us cool stuff?

We shouldn’t send the message to young women that absence of autonomy is okay. I understand the allure of having a guy buy you expensive shit when you fret about having a bad day. Having an oh-so-discreet live in maid wash your undies and make you pancakes after a night of debauchery? Who wouldn’t like that? But finding lack of control over your decision making sexy, just because the guy is hot and rich? Just no.

Crap writing:

Aside from the fact that the plot is a shameless Twilight copycat, and that it sends an unhealthy message to women, my inner grammar Nazi goes apoplectic by about Chapter Four. A sex scene that reads as if it were written by a fourteen year old isn’t sexy.

I can overlook a few run-on sentences, but the sex in these books isn’t anywhere in the ballpark of realism. These two fools hump like bunnies on blue meth. Won’t your willy fall off if you do it that much?

If the answer is anything other than yes, don’t tell my husband, k? I’m already rocking the low expectations in the bedroom.

If you’re looking for a good dirty book, look elsewhere. If getting lost in the slap and tickle between an insecure college girl and a control freakity freak sounds like a good way to spend a couple of lazy afternoons (trust me, this a quick read) then rock on, but I’ve pretty much just told you the plot so you don’t have to put yourself through the agony. You’re welcome.

So, did you read it? Are you going to watch the movie? Not me…and if I do, I’ll totally sneak it on Netflix and never tell a soul.  

Author

Jill writes about adoption, motherhood and midlife on her blog Ripped Jeans and Bifocals. She has a degree in social psychology that she uses to try and make sense out of the behavior of her husband and three children but it hasn't really helped so far. She enjoys dry humor and has a love/hate relationship with running. Her writing has also been featured on Huffington Post, Babble, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and Mamalode. Jill is a BlogHer 2015 Voice of the Year and willingly answers any questions that end with “and would you like wine with that?” Hang out with Jill on Facebook. and Twitter.

30 Comments

  1. Outside of one long passage I read online because I was curious to see for myself what all the fuss was about, I did not read 50 Shades. The writing sample I read was terrible.

    I am amazed/appalled (amazepalled!) that such a steaming pile of shit writing could amount to a best-selling trilogy and movie. In 2013, Forbes listed EL James as the highest grossing author, at $95 million – surpassing Stephen King, John Grisham and even JK Fucking Rowling.

    I don’t get it. I really don’t.

    (BTW – if, for instance, one is interested in reading well-written hardcore mommy porn, might I suggest The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice). It was written in the early 80’s, and it’s been at least 15 years since I read it but it blows 50 Shades out of the water.)

    • The Sleeping Beauty series set the bar for femrotica. (I am coining that term and it will be a thing like amazepalled). I agree, and now that I am remembering it, I can’t figure out who I lent it to! Damn.

    • I’ve read the SBT, and I agree… way more “hardcore” than 50 Shades… which I also read, but also because I wanted to see what the fuss was about.

      I like to use 50 Shades as an example for people who say they want to be writers, actually. Most “professional” fiction writers will agree it can take upwards of a decade for people to develop a true writing voice. Something that is natural, easy to read, and reads with authority. Most people say that 50 Shades has a juvenile writing style… and they’re absolutely correct. She’s a fledgling writer–this was her first book–and she’s written nothing else professionally (or very little, as best I could tell from info on the author). And that lack of a developed writing style is exactly what people are seeing.

  2. I feel so out of touch with reality. I’ve not seen Twilight, nor read the mommy porn book, 50 Shades! Last night, my daughter told me I was ‘old and uncool’ while I was featuring some of my killer dance moves in the kitchen….I think she might be right. I am clearly behind! I may need to watch the Twilight series and read the mom porn book just to stay up to date with all the happenin’s. I also plan on perfecting my ‘sprinkler’ and ‘roger rabbit’ dance moves….

    • Yeah seriously, save yourself. I read all three books (and need therapy now), and can honestly say it’s the ONLY time I’ve actually regretted the time lost to reading. Ever.

      I read a lot of fan fiction, so I’m even used to overlooking grammar and sketchy writing skills. Yet, those books gave me a migraine.

      There are SO much better books out there. Don’t waste your time on this crap.

  3. I didn’t read Twilight and was skeptical of 50 Shades. But after relentlessly being told I just HAD to read it -and my husband travels a lot- I caved. And then abandoned it about 30-40 pages later. The only thing sadistic in that book is expecting someone to finish it.

    Now I am off to go kindle Magnolia’s recommendation.

  4. Great post. A friend put an excerpt of 50 Shades on FB once as a joke. I am not kidding when I say she used the word “crap” over ten times in one paragraph. And, that is what the writing was. Completely agree with Anne’s comment above, it takes years to develop a true writing voice. And, even then, there is simply no excuse for a lack of creative vocabulary, even as you develop your voice. Inexcusable editing as well. I have zero interest in reading those books. The fact that she’s swimming in (crap) money is infuriating. Don’t even get me started on the premise of the books. That’s a whole other piece of crap.

  5. You couldn’t pay me to read it. I read the hoopla about it on reviews when it first came out, and I secretly hoped it wouldn’t become a phenom with sequels and movies and Barbie dolls.
    And now comes the movie. And you couldn’t pay me to go see that, either.
    :o)

  6. And, I thought I was the only woman on the planet who couldn’t stomach 50 Shades!! I tried repeatedly to read the book but couldn’t get past the first few chapters. I was appalled by both the submissiveness and stupidity of Anastasia. The success and popularity of this poorly written garbage is absolutely astounding…. I still cannot wrap my head around it.

    • I have gone a step further. I have divided my circle of acquaintances into two categories:

      1. Liked 50 Shades, #lostyournumber
      2. Hated 50 Shades and could move into my friend zone

  7. My 22 year old daughter thinks this is a great book, as do most of her friends. It makes me very sad and I’ve tried to give her my viewpoint a thousand times. Aside from the unrealistic sex and the BSM (which doesn’t shock me or really elicit too much response in me) the relationships in the book are just so hosed up and it makes me worry that she’s making bad choices. I know they’re her choices to make and I can only offer my unsolicited advice. But, it’s still disheartening.

    • Jill, I think you might be obligated as a proper mom to “lose” a proper Harlequin romance novel in your daughter’s room.

      • Why yes, Anne, I believe she does need a strategically placed bodice ripper. Perhaps in her Christmas stocking…

    • Yeah … that’s tough. My Babygirl just turned 18, and she loved the Twilight series, even though we talked about the creepy stalkerish behavior in the relationship.

      Introduce her to some good erotica, and let her see that Mom’s not a prude, it really is the crap quality of the writing that you hate. Or, send her a copy of Dave Barry’s hilarious review.

  8. I don’t get the 50 shades of gray. Unless we are talking about my older bras..they are at least 50 shades of gray.

  9. couldn’t get through it due to issues you noted, but recommend it to couples therapy clients bc a whole lot of women find it very sexy. to each her own. funny piece though 🙂

  10. I read all three books. Mostly because I have to finish what I start, no matter how bad it is. It’s a failure thing. 😉
    But also, I just kept hoping that *this* was going to be the time Ana decides that she’s not going to take it any more. Not this time? Dammit. Maybe *now* she’ll put him in his place? No? Dammit all!
    And honestly, if you’re a grown woman who knows that all of this is bullshit yet you’ve never been introduced to real “femrotica” (love that, FYI), 50 Shades isn’t a bad place to start. It sets the bar pretty low, so if you liked it at all, it only gets better from here.

  11. I appreciate the effort to normalize alternative lifestyles but this is so far off the mark for that it’s awful. It’s about an abusive relationship. And somebody needs a thesaurus for Christmas. It is eclipsed in bad writing only by that huffpo piece about stock images that “restore our faith in horses, who can just be the worst”. Really?!?

  12. I read snippets of both Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey in Barnes and Noble plus whatever bits and bobs I could find online (quotes people had used in reviews, nothing illegal just so we’re clear). Those small snippets made me glad I never swiped my card for either series. Abusive, controlling relationships are not sexy, not one damn bit.

    As for the crappy writing, I can overlook it to some extent but if it’s something I paid for it damn well better be good.

  13. I couldn’t finish the first chapter. The writing stinks! I wrote better erotica in my spare time in my early 20’s. In fact, if that got published, perhaps I should send out my own queries. As for the movie? Nah…If I wanted to watch low-budget-almost-porn, I’d make my own sex tape….*shudder at the thought*…

  14. Well sweet jesus in a papoose, am I the only one who loved these books? I love horny trash and was excited to find that I was actually turned on enough to have sex (yes, with my husband), and that is saying a lot coming from a mom of 2 little girls, 2 dogs and a cat.

    Everyone in this family wants a piece of me, and by the end of the day, sex is not on my mind, so if a book can help turn me on, I’ll take it. Yes, it was poorly written but who gives a fuck- it’s entertainment! Twilight was the most annoying book I’ve ever read (but I did read all of the and watch the movies about 500 times) and I couldn’t wait for Edward and Bella to actually bone, which was pretty highschooly (duh), but what did we expect? It was all about the teen-angsty stuff- we all love that shit, right. Makes us feel alive.

    As for the sleeping beauty books go, my older friend (I’m 39, she’s 45) loaned the first one to me and I about threw up. Talk about gross and degrading to women. It just made me scratch my head. Not sexy at all.

    I do agree with the fact that this book series, and most YA romance stuff sets bad examples for young women and us older gals too. I come from a totally unhealthy foundation of sexual awakening (raised on MTV and hairbands, so slutty whores were my role models. oh, and don’t forget the VC Andrews books- loved those sick and twisted babies), which is probably why I like it, but our kids need to be educated about how real and healthy relationships work. Real sexual relationships too.

    I can’t fucking wait for the movie. Sex-say!

  15. I read the first one because my friend thought it was so awesome. I took it for what it was and didn’t even know there were two more. When I returned to my friend, she was disappointed that I didn’t furiously masturbate the entire time I read it (um, ewww, I had HER copy!) and immediately shoved the second of the series in my hand (ewww again). Thinking perhaps I missed something, I read the first chapter, called her and said, “Is this just the same exact book in different words? Does ANYTHING, anything at ALL happen other than them fucking and sucking between spats?” “Yeah, at the end something happens” she said. That was it for me. NOPE, I couldn’t take it anymore. The writing was laughable and the plot (was there one?) moronic. On a side note, I LOVE Charlie Hunnam and am so glad he turned the role down after accepting it. I’m sure he realized, yeah, it will make a lot of money like the book did but for all the same reasons. He came up with an excuse and bowed out realizing that as a career move it would be a disaster. The casting of the movie couldn’t be worse!! OMFG! NO chemistry between the two of them at all. Now, if they had cast Ian Somerholder, yeah, my ass may have found its way into a theatre seat but I would have worn big dark shades and a large scarf covering most of my face so my friends wouldn’t see me there. PS My 28 year old son was aghast that mom was reading “porn”! MOM! PUT THAT AWAY! YOU ARE A MOTHER!!! Hahahaha, they never think of you as an acutal woman and honestly who wants to ever think of their parents as sexual.. Made me laugh so hard, he was dead serious, he was disgusted. 🙂

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