It’s never a good idea to focus too heavily on past relationships in your significant other’s life – after all, you have each other now and that’s what counts, right? But sometimes that works better in theory than in reality, especially when you marry a widow/widower. Ratchet that up about 300 percent when you move into the house they once shared together.
Never one to shrink from a challenge, I did that a few years ago. Here are my personal tips for successfully navigating the ghost of memories past:

Make the house your own
When my husband and I got married, my daughter and I moved into the house he had shared with his late wife for 15 years. People immediately asked me if it felt weird to live in “her” house. I can’t speak for everyone, but it felt only mildly odd and uncomfortable to me – maybe because my husband insisted that I do whatever I wanted to make the house “ours” instead of “theirs.” So I encourage others in this situation to do what I did: Get rid of the 1980s peach sponge painting in the living room, donate the cat “art” to a good cause, replace the three nasty recliners in the TV room with real furniture, and discuss with your significant other how to handle items that you don’t like but for which he has a sentimental attachment. Pretty soon, it will become your house.

Appreciate and honor the previous relationship
My husband’s late wife was very ill for several years with multiple sclerosis and in her last few months with a brain tumor. I’ll never forget the day I ran across a clipboard with an extensive list of instructions from my husband to the in-home caregiver. In addition to medication instructions, there were several personal notes about how she liked her coffee, how important baths and staying clean were to her, and how having friends stop by lifted her from periods of crushing depression. I’m not a crier, but this made me cry – the love and care he showed for her during a terrible situation spoke volumes about his character.

Expect little surprises
No matter how much your husband thinks he cleaned out his late wife’s belongings, you’ll still run across emotional minefields from time to time. I’ve found notes tucked into books, journals filled with painfully raw emotions about her illness, and even a bucket filled with enema supplies (yuck!) used in the last few months of her life. Just the other day – 10 years after her death – we got a piece of junk mail addressed to my husband. It included a large, in-your-face image of a gold necklace with his late wife’s name engraved on it. The mailer urged my husband, addressing him by name, to “show his love” by ordering the engraved necklace for her. The mailer was offensive and insensitive, and I didn’t show it to my husband. Instead, I called the jewelry company, gave them a piece of my mind about the bone-headedness of their marketing strategy, and told them to remove his name from their mailing list.

Drop kick any jealousy
Nothing good can come of resenting the deceased wife’s stellar qualities. Instead, just smile graciously when the 273rd person tells you about her whip-smart intelligence and her near-Julia Child status as a fabulous pie maker.

Have a sense of humor
Life is too short to focus on things from your husband’s past relationship that can seem overwhelming and negative. Instead, try to see the humor and glorious weirdness (see aforementioned items re: sponge painting, cat art and enema supplies) you may encounter in your new life. Acknowledge and celebrate the strange, have a good heart-to-heart with your best friend when you need to unburden, and then move past it.

Don’t say anything negative about her
You might not agree with her approach to raising their children, spending household money, prioritizing work versus family, having cats vs. dogs, not caring much about esthetics, or preferring Kenny G to Bono. Whatever the topic, it just doesn’t matter. You weren’t there, you didn’t know her, and sharing your opinions (if they’re negative) about her are irrelevant and will only make you seem petty.

Ask about and mention her from time to time
It’s important to mention her name or ask questions about her in your everyday life, whether with your husband, his kids or his friends. This is especially true early in your relationship. In my case, many of my husband’s first wife’s friends also have become my friends. At first people felt awkward about mentioning her, as if this were somehow a betrayal to me, so let them know it’s OK to talk about her in front of you. It honors her memory, they will appreciate you for your openness, and it’s the right thing to do.

Think of her as the friend you never had the opportunity to meet
Chances are that since your husband picked two such fabulous women, both of you probably would have liked each other even though you’re very different people.

It’s corny to say, but it’s true … she helped make your husband who he is. And if that’s difficult to swallow, you can always appreciate her role in helping to shape his good qualities and curse her (silently!) for her role in helping to create his less-than-stellar qualities.

About the author: Lisa Godwin is a writer and editor who is fortunate to have many well-paying clients. She’s decided to be brave and start doing more creative writing.

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5 Comments

  1. Amazing way to look at this situation and especially the late wife. I so agree with everything you said and love that you respect and honor both your husband and her in such a positive and loving way. He sounds like an incredible man!

    • Thanks very much, Mary. Yes, my husband is a great guy — as are our friends who accepted me with such open arms. Many of them were good friends with his late wife, so that must have been tough to see the “new” wife step into her place.

  2. Great attitude – and good advice even if the ex isn’t deceased!

  3. That’s great advice. Thank you for sharing something so personal. It takes a lot of skill to approach something so sensitive with humour.

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