The time is approaching, my friends! It’s almost prime vacation season. Schools will be on summer break soon, and families will be swarming the beaches for a little time away in paradise. In order to help you plan the perfect family vacation, I have outlined an itinerary to get you on the right path.

2 weeks before: Plan, plan, plan. This is the time to make sure all of your ducks are in a row and everything is planned to the minute. You won’t want to waste a single second of your vacation trying to figure out what to do.

1 week before: Start to pack. Realize that this is impossible because all of your clothes, as well as the kids’ clothes, are dirty, because you’ve been so busy working and planning that you didn’t have any time to wash them. The pile has grown all the way to the ceiling, but you know staying up until 2 a.m. doing laundry will be totally worth it, even though you have to work the next day, since you will be at the beach in one week!!

3 days before: You’ve started the packing, but you now realize that since it’s been snowing for the past five months, you have no sunscreen, no sun hats, and the kids don’t have swim suits that fit. Bags still under your eyes from the laundry episode a few days prior, you brave the mall and Wally World with the kids. It’s just as expected. The kids run amuck in the store, things are thrown from your shopping cart, and you leave with almost everything you meant to get (except you forgot the sunscreen, which was what you needed the most, but you’ll send your husband back for that). You’re a little stressed, but in THREE DAYS you’ll be at the beach, and all your worries will be washed away by the ocean!!

The night before: You’re all packed up for the big trip! You’ve successfully gotten the kids to bed on time, and you’re finishing up some last minute packing. Your husband confesses that he’s forgotten to buy the sunscreen, and also that his bathing suit is too small. You sigh heavily, and he asks you to run back to good ol’ Wal-mart to pick those things up for him, since he hasn’t even started packing. You do it because you’re a good wife, and when you get there, you’re shocked and amazed by the freaks in the store even this late at night.

2:30 a.m. the morning of the trip: Rise and shine!!! It’s time to load up the car! You’ve planned to leave in the middle of the night, hoping the kids will sleep during part of the drive. You’ve only had about an hour and a half of sleep after finishing packing and that last-minute trip to Wal-Mart for your darling husband, but that’s okay! Coffee will help! You prepare yourself a nice cup in your travel mug and get to work.

2:45 a.m.: Time to load the kiddos into the car. You quietly and cautiously pick them up from their beds, the little angels. You somehow manage to keep them asleep and fasten them into their car seats. You high five your husband and do a little dance. This is going to be the best.trip.ever.

2:50 a.m.: Husband decides he needs to stop at the gas station to get a coffee. You ask him why he didn’t make one at home, and he says he didn’t think of it. That’s alright: you’ll still make good timing on your trip.

2:53 a.m.: Bright lights of the gas station wake up both children. They are disoriented and confused, and ask 47 questions. (Where are we? Where are we going? Why are we here? Are we there yet?) You resist strangling your husband because you know that those sleepy little ones will go right back to sleep once you hit the road.

3:53 a.m.: They have not gone back to sleep. You have been singing “Old MacDonald had a Farm” and “B-I-N-G-O” for the past hour. They are having a grand old time, despite lack of sleep. Things are going okay, even if parents and kids are all tired.

4:52 a.m.: Your voice is horse from singing. The kids are getting antsy and crying out in hunger. You didn’t want to stop yet, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Unfortunately, you’re in the middle of nowhere by this point (damn you, GPS!!! I said all main highways!!!), and there’s not a restaurant anywhere in sight. You drive on.

5:35 a.m.: Kids are fully melting down in mixture of sleep deprivation and starvation. You see a sign for a Denny’s in the distance. Thank you, gods of the chain restaurants! You take the exit and head in.

5:45 a.m.: You are seated next to a couple who you are quite positive are a prostitute and her John. Prostitute thinks your kids are adorable and keeps talking to them, while they do NOT think SHE is adorable, and they scream every time she speaks to them.

6:00 a.m.: The kids ordered pancakes, and the food arrives. You ordered coffee with extra caffeine, and the waitress told you that they couldn’t just put extra caffeine in it. You glare. The kids begin eating and somehow manage to dump syrup all over themselves, running their sticky fingers luxuriously through their hair. You were stupid and and didn’t put any extra clothes in the diaper bag, so you have to unpack all of the luggage to get out extra clothes.

6:15 a.m.: Kid 2 uses the restroom after getting his fresh clothes on, but the other claims he doesn’t have to. You beg and you plead, but he refuses and buckles his legs, falling to the filthy bathroom floor. You cave and let him leave without going. You will later regret this.

6:25 a.m.: Kid 1 has to pee. Pull over at closest rest stop. Vow not to stop again for the next few hours.

11:00 a.m.: Kids have been sleeping since the last stop but are now awake and want lunch. You stop at a gas station and sit at a picnic table outside to enjoy the nice day. Kid 1 is stung by a bee. The bright side is that you now know that he’s not allergic. The downside is that he is screaming and crying, but this is nothing ice cream can’t fix. Unfortunately, it gets all over set #2 of clothes for the day, but at this point you don’t really care and wipe him off, but let him keep his Chunky Monkey-stained shirt on.

12:30 p.m.: Finally arrive. The hotel room isn’t ready yet, so you gladly approach the beach in the meantime!!! This is what you’ve been waiting for! The hard part (the drive) is over, and the rest of the stay will be smooth sailing.

12:35 p.m.: Kid 2 is scared to death of both the sand and the water. He clings to you like a monkey with its arms wrapped around a tree. Every time you try to dip his little toes into the water or the sand, he screams bloody murder. You decide you will just have to carry him everywhere all week.

1:30 p.m.: Kid 1 is already sunburnt, despite his 1,500 SPF sunscreen, hat, rash guard, and sunglasses. He’s having the time of his life, but you force him into the hotel lobby to prevent sun poisoning.

2:00 p.m.: Your hotel room is ready. Everyone goes inside and falls asleep, wasting the beautiful afternoon inside.

7:00 p.m.: Now that everyone is awake and once again starving, you need to figure out dinner. You had reservations at a nice, highly rated restaurant, but everyone slept through them. You order pizza from the place across the street, which costs about $30 more than you’d anticipated.

11:00 p.m.: No one is tired due to long afternoon nap. Kids are bouncing off the walls, on the couches, and ripping all of the sheets and blankets off the bed.

11:30 p.m.: You’ve had enough, so you force mandatory bedtime. Kid 1 falls asleep fairly quickly, but Kid 2 decides this is an opportune time for one of his molars to come in. He is inconsolable and is screaming more loudly than you’ve ever heard him scream. You can hear the neighbors pacing outside in the hallways, more than likely because your kid is keeping them up.

6 a.m. of day 2: Kid 2 has been up on and off all night, and you’ve barely slept. Kid 1 and husband are rested and ready to hit the beach. Coffee. You just need coffee.

Remainder of stay: Repeat very similar daily schedule for the next five days, adding in various failed attempts at tourist activities and entertainment for kids (trip to zoo where it’s so hot that none of the animals will come out where you can see them, trip to aquarium where kids ask to leave the entire time because fish are boring, trip to boardwalk where kids spend $100 on games and win 0 prizes, etc.).

Day 6: Return home a day early because kids are bored and claiming homesickness for any person that isn’t on trip, including but not limited to grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, dogs, and cats.

Middle of Day 6: Execute car ride home similar to that of trip TO vacation spot, but this time, get a flat tire on highway and have AAA refuse to help you. Make husband run down highway to closest store to purchase needed tool to change flat tire. Sit in car while waiting with grumpy kids.

End of Day 6: Collapse onto your living room couch, kiss your dog, and cry tears of joy that the disaster is over.

Day 7: Vow to plan a staycation for next year.

(This post originally ran on Rookie Mommy Raising Boys)

About the author: Morgan Starr is a mom of two wild boys, a wife, an English teacher, and a blogger. She spends her school years dreaming about summer vacations that will more than likely materialize into utter disasters, and trying to become a writer during her 15-minute lunch breaks. You can find more of her musings about kids and life in general at www.rookiemommyraisingboys.com

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