How To Include Your Inflatable Sex Partner In Your Family’s Holiday Traditions

Alison Huff
Written by Alison Huff

Holidays are pretty stressful on their own, but when you have to introduce a new relationship to your entire family, it adds a whole new level of festive dread to the ordeal.

The scene has already played out in your mind repeatedly so you kinda know what to expect. Your dad will grunt without even looking up from the football game on TV. Your mom will smile without attempting to mask her disappointment because she never understood why you just couldn’t work things out with your high school sweetheart. Your siblings will “playfully” initiate your newly beloved by sharing your most embarrassing stories, like the time you woke up on the front lawn wearing nothing but a pair of socks and a smile.

“So what?” you finally say to yourself. You’ve never been happier. Your better half is absolutely dedicated to you, doesn’t talk back or hog all of the blankets, and never gives you grief about going to bed without brushing your teeth.

Finally, you’re in the perfect relationship. It is everything you’d ever hoped it would be and it’s all because your lover is an inflatable sex doll.

Ready to shout your elation from rooftops far and wide, you can’t wait to take it to your childhood home for the holidays this year. You’ll introduce it to your family, bask together in the warmth of the season, and perhaps you’ll even start some new traditions to add to the ones you already share with your family. Won’t that be fun?

If you’re worried about your blowup boo finding a comfortable place among your family’s established traditions, don’t be. Follow my advice and by the end of your visit, your inflate-a-mate will be accepted as the newest member of the family, just you wait and see.

Christmas Caroling

Your family really digs caroling together, so dress your plastic paramour in a cozy ensemble (or don’t—it really won’t give a shit one way or the other) and head out into the snow. Your air-puffed joy toy doesn’t need to be able to carry a tune or even know all of the words because inflatable sex dolls are, by their very nature, excellent lip-syncers.

Family Movie Night

When the lights are low and the popcorn is popped, situate your bouncy companion’s arms so it can hold the popcorn bowl and you’ll instantly make it the center of this long-standing Christmas tradition. If you’re feeling especially flirtatious with your vinyl darling, playfully toss a few popcorn kernels into its gaping mouth hole. Your family will think this is an adorably sweet gesture and they may even want to chuck a few in there, themselves. Hell, you could turn it into a game if your family is especially competitive, but no matter who wins, just remember that you’re the lucky one who’s taking that aerated honey to bed.

You are the real MVP.

Cozying Up In Front Of The Fireplace

Actually… this one probably isn’t a good idea unless you enjoy the smell of burning plastic and want a lover who literally melts in your arms.

Sleeping In Your Childhood Bedroom

Your mom never got around to turning your bedroom into an exercise room so you still sleep in your old twin bed every time you come home for Christmas. Close quarters usually make for sexy cuddle times but if you find the space just a little too cramped, deflate your pliable playmate until there’s room enough for you both. (After you’ve gotten your squeaky freak on, of course. Nothing says “I’ve come home for the holidays” like having some hot, raunchy sex all over your childhood bedroom.)

Helping In The Kitchen

Being highly flammable, inflatable sex dolls are notoriously bad in the kitchen but during the holidays everybody’s got a job to do no matter who they are. Don’t fret over this one. There are plenty of useful things your bendable buddy can do, like:

• Hold a dish towel.
• Scare children away from the cookies so they don’t spoil their dinner.
• Provide an enthusiastic audience to the master chef (your mom). This is also a great way to earn some serious brownie points and maybe (finally!) get her to move past the absence of your high school sweetheart.

Protecting Santa’s Secret

If you can bear to part with your lover for a while on Christmas Eve, post your malleable main squeeze in the hallway, right by the door that leads to where the little children are sleeping. I guarantee the nosy little shits won’t go looking for Santa Claus at any point during the night.

Opening Presents

You’ve made it Christmas Day and it’s time to open the presents. Inflatable sex dolls are excellent at receiving gifts because no matter what’s coming at them, they always look surprised and ecstatic. Whether it gets a fugly hand-knit sweater from your Aunt Edna or a year’s supply of the world’s finest chocolate, your synthetic sweetheart will be seen as appreciative and exceedingly grateful, settling into this family tradition effortlessly.

When Christmastime has ended, take a deep breath and relax because you and your flexible sex freak have made it through your first family Christmas together. Your family will wish you both well and send you on your way, standing in the front yard and waving in the rear view mirror as you drive down the road toward your next big adventure: New Year’s Eve in Times Square.

About the author

Alison Huff

Alison Huff

Mother of two daughters, Doom and Destruction, Alison Huff is an artist and writer who lives a country bumpkin life with her family in bipolar northeastern Ohio. A lover of lapsang souchong tea, unnaturally-colored hair, and Oxford commas, her stories are written with a signature blend of humor and brutal honesty. An essayist for anthologies and websites that strike her fancy, Alison is a member of Hearst Digital Media’s contributor network, The Mix, and she is a purveyor of satire at MockMom.com because the world can never have too much laughter. If you’ve enjoyed reading her work on BLUNTmoms, you can read more on her blog, Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt. (She is one wordy bitch, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

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