An Idiot’s Guide To NOT Sexually Harassing Women

Written by BLUNTGuest

A shocking number of women are sharing their personal accounts of sexual abuse on social media under the #MeToo hashtag, which has (of course) led to some confusion among the usual idiots…

There appears to be some concern as to the difference between flirting and sexual harassment.

I would just like to clarify for the benefit of those idiots, that they are absolutely NOT the same. One is playful – the other is predatory. Put in simple terms – it is the difference between a cheeky wink and a dirty great grope.

You’d think it would be pretty simple NOT to be a pervert. The rule of thumb is basically:

“Do not touch a woman in a sexual way unless she says it is ok. Do not talk to a women in a sexual way unless she says it is ok.”

That really is all there is to it. But if you are still concerned you may accidentally sexually harass a woman then let me try and explain using cake.

The Cake Scenario

I am out one night and this bloke comes up to me and he’s got this great big chocolate cake in his hands. Then all of a sudden he takes a massive slice and shoves it right in my mouth.

So I’m like, “What the hell are you doing, mate?”

“Giving you some cake,” he says.

“But I didn’t ask for cake.” I tell him.

He then says, “You should be flattered that I want to give you cake.”

“Why would I be flattered that you think I am the kind of person who is happy to have cake forced on her in public?” I ask.

To which he then replied, “why, don’t you like cake?”

“That is not the point,” I tell him. “I like cake as much as anyone but I like to eat it on my terms.

“I don’t want to be forced to eat cake. I don’t want to be coerced into eating cake. I don’t want to be scared into eating cake.

“I want to choose where and when and with whom, I eat cake. That should be like, a standard human right.

“The thing is, this is my body and I, alone, get to decide what I do with it. It belongs to me and no one else and I do not want your fucking cake anywhere near it.”

There you have it. NOT being a pervert is a piece of cake.

So next time you approach a woman you find attractive, DO WHAT NORMAL NON-PERVERT MEN DO.

Don’t mention cake, even if you really want to give her some.

Don’t rub your cake against her or even talk about all the ways you’d like to have cake with her. Instead chat non-cake related stuff, maybe have a drink, swap numbers and if it all goes well, perhaps THEN politely let her know that there is cake on the table and you would like to share it with her, if she ever fancies it.

Basically, as a general rule of thumb; just keep your dirty great cake in it’s tin until someone asks for A SLICE.

You never know, one day- you might end up like these guys…

Emily-Jane Clark is a freelance writer for Metro UK, Daily Mash, Huff Post, New Statesman and the author of Sleep is for the Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The F**k To Sleep. She is also creator of

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1 Comment

  • Brilliant! Easy as pie to understand this metaphor. AND let’s just say one day you partake in cake, but decide it’s not sweet enough–you can go back to being dessert-free whenever you want. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. If that decision isn’t respected, don’t sugarcoat the consequences. Thanks for writing this!