Last week, while playing video games with my 6-year-old, I was knocked flat by a series of familiar pains in my left flank, lower abdomen, and for lack of a better word, peehole. “Fortunately” for me, I’ve had these pains before, so it took me only about 1/1000th of a second to identify them as renal colic, the medical term for OWWWW KIDNEY STONES OWWWW IT HURTS OWWW KILL ME NOW.

For those of you who’ve birthed some babies, the pains associated with kidney stones are not entirely unlike labor contractions. They’re extremely intense and come in waves, with very brief periods of respite between each attack. Still, despite the similarities, there are also some critical differences. Kidney stone pains are not as predictable as contractions, for one thing, nor are they as manageable. More importantly, there’s no clear endgame. Unlike with labor contractions, there’s no taking solace in the knowledge that the pains will soon be over and a lovely brand-new bundle of baby kidney stone will be sleeping peacefully in your arms.

Let me clarify what I mean.

Imagine that the pains have started. If you’re lucky, with the help of tons of fluids and a truckload of painkillers, you’ll *eventually* piss out a spiky 3-5mm rock, complete with blood clots and other stone detritus. This process can take anywhere from days to weeks, and in the meantime, you’re crumpled up on the couch in a useless ball of IT HURTSSS. Then, when you do finally pass the kidney stone, your brief moment of victory will soon be followed by the realization that that thing has torn your shit UP. You’ll be aching to say the least, as well as feeling a lot of uncomfortable pressure, and maybe even pissing blood for some time.

Like I said — that’s if you’re lucky.

If you’re *not* lucky, a urologist will have to perform one of any number of surgeries in order to remove the stone. These procedures can range from non-invasive (lithotripsy) to minimally invasive (ureteroscopy) to *very* invasive (lithotomy), and all of them require general anesthesia, several days of recovery time, and of course: monay MONAY!

MON-AY!

Sadly, you can’t just ignore a kidney stone that’s causing you crippling pain and infecting all of your plumbing. You can’t just leave it. It has to come out.

If you’re me, though, they don’t just “come out.” I’ve had multiple kidney stones in my life and never managed to pass a one of them. Apparently I have tiny tubing (insert Hank Hill “narrow urethra” joke here) and the stones just can’t seem to make their way through. So I’m one of the unlucky ones who has to have surgery. Every time. And I’m not going to lie – it sucks. Particularly when you wake up from the anesthesia and realize that every part of your body that helps you pee is completely on FIRE.

Where I am going with all of this? Well, here’s the thing – I’m a lover. I love all of you desperately. And I don’t want any of you loyal readers to get laid out by these hellish little beasts. So today I’m going to lay out some preventative measures that you can take to avoid the formation of kidney stones, especially in light of the fact that their occurrence in women is on the rise.

Here we go!

  1. Some recent studies have linked increased obesity to the increased occurrence of kidney stones in women. I know, I know – losing weight is never easy. I myself haven’t managed to do it. But after this last kidney stone episode and the ensuing surgery (I am currently on the mend as we speak) I think I absolutely have to drop a pound or 40.
  2. Drink shit tons of water. This helps keep you hydrated *and* dilutes the chemicals in your body that lead to the formation of stones. Throw some lemonade and orange juice in there too – the citrates in those beverages help prevent stone formation and shrink existing stones.
  3. Ingest appropriate amounts of calcium and Vitamin D – preferably through food as opposed to vitamin supplements. Not getting enough calcium and Vitamin D from your diet can lead to increased oxalate levels, which can then lead to big time stones. Don’t just rely on vitamin supplements, either – some studies suggest that they can actually cause stones rather than help prevent them. Try to get what you need through the food you eat instead.
  4. Watch your diet in other ways. High sodium intake is dangerous on all kinds of levels, and one of those dangers is the formation of kidney stones. Also, excessive protein in your diet can result in stones thanks to increases in uric acid as well as a reduction of citrates (so be careful, those of you on Atkins/keto!) Lastly, when trying to prevent stones, try to avoid excessive chocolate, caffeine, tea, soda, leafy greens and nuts.

Now, keep in mind that damn it, Jim, I’m not a doctor! I’m just paraphrasing some useful information that my urologist passed along to me. And remember that these tips are merely preventative suggestions – following them will not 100% guarantee that you’ll never get a kidney stone—but overall I think they’re pretty solid, healthy lifestyle choices. I don’t expect that incorporating them into your life is going to hurt you.

There’s obviously a lot more preventative information elsewhere on the Internets, but if you don’t trust the Internets, I’m sure that having a detailed conversation with a nutritionist or urologist will help to educate and illuminate you. It’s just a couple of hours out of your life that might just keep you from writhing in agony and/or ending up on the operating table.

So that’s it. Health lecture over. If you’re still uncertain as to whether this kind of thing is worth worrying about, I recommend going over to Google and searching “electron microscope pictures of kidney stones.” See that? No, it’s not a bundle of razor blades. It’s not a pile of smashed glass fragments. YOUR BODY CAN MAKE THAT. INSIDE YOU. And then attempt to pass it through your peehole.

You do NOT want that. Trust.

Author

Sarah del Rio is a comedy writer whose award-winning humor blog est.1975 brings snark, levity, and perspective to the ladies of Generation X. Despite being a corporate refugee with absolutely no formal training in English, journalism, or writing of any kind, Sarah earns her daily bread as a freelance writer and editor. She has also contributed to several anthologies, including I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone, the latest installment in the national-bestselling I Just Want to Pee Alone series. Sarah contributes regularly to BLUNTMoms and has made frequent appearances on The Huffington Post Best Parenting Tweets of the Week List. She has also been featured on Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. You can also follow Sarah on her blog est.1975 and on Facebook and Twitter.

4 Comments

  1. Girl, I totally forgot about that Friends episode. BAHAHA!

    I have to tell you, I do NOT like water. If I could drink EVERY SINGLE DROP OF LIQUID with some sort of caffeine in it I would. And often do. Hence, the kidney stones. I am really forcing myself to stick to only two glasses of tea a day right now. So I feel you.

    *drinks water*
    *wishes it were something with caffeine in it*

  2. I just wanted to draw attention to how rad the image for this post is. I missed appreciating it the first time through. That is all. (Drinks 87th glass of water because NO THANKS STONES.)

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