One morning, I battered the hell out of an old, plastic toy that nobody played with anymore.

I slammed it down, over and over like a maniacal fiend. Shards of plastic blasted from it, piece by piece, slicing open one of my fingers. A blood-smeared massacre of my fury lay shattered on the floor, alongside 40 seconds worth of my pride.

And then I carried on cleaning. It’d been a while since my motherly angst had reared her ugly face. I guess I was due a meltdown of some kind, and I felt both better and worse for having given into such a childish tantrum.

The seed of my rage had been planted the night before. My husband had wanted to have a shower and was on the hunt for a clean towel. A large pile of dirty ones was mounting up in the laundry hamper. All that was left in the linen closet were beach towels.

*gasp*

I was on the couch, typing away on my laptop. You see, in my mind, I’m a writer. But the fact is, due to a complete lack of income, I’m actually a housewife with a hobby. I used to be a teacher and then I was a stay-at-home mom, but the kids are in school now, so . . . I’m a housewife. I’m a housewife who likes to write.

Anyway, as a housewife (who likes to write), my husband’s lack of towel is my responsibility. It’s my job to make clean towels happen and any failure to do so means I’m not living up to the expectations of my title.

Now, I’ll be upfront and say it; yes, I’m a housewife, but this doesn’t mean that I aspire to housekeeping excellence. Sure, the kids are all in school now, but I won’t be dedicating entire days to creating clever storage solutions and perfectly folding never-ending piles of fluffy, clean towels. Nope. My goal, domestically speaking, is to fall somewhere within the bounds of acceptability. I seek a comfortable middle ground, somewhere between order and chaos, with random glimmers of greatness and occasional bouts of inadequacy. Because, quite frankly, I have other things to do.

I like to write. And I also spend time online, connecting with my readers and fellow writers. I do other things with my time, too, but I certainly indulge myself when it comes to my blog and all that goes with it.

Anyway, back to the roots of my fury . . .

Beach towel in hand, my disgruntled hubby interrupted my writing to ask a few questions. Questions that I translated with wifely expertise into their intended meaning:

“How many towels do we have?” You’ve been home all day. How hard is it to get some clean towels into the cupboard?

“Why aren’t there any clean towels?” You should be washing towels instead of sitting there on your laptop.

Does my husband deserve a clean towel? Yes.

Will I answer to him as to why there isn’t one? Apparently. But I’ll do so begrudgingly and with a few expletives. Because, as much as our current roles are old fashioned by nature, my nature won’t allow me to respond well to being questioned about incomplete domestic duties.

OK, yes the towel situation is a bit backed up. Would it kill you to use a fucking beach towel?

So we argued.

And then we went to bed mad.

The next morning (the morning of the toy beating), I dropped the kids off at school and quickly returned home where I embarked upon some rage-fuelled cleaning.

I was angry. Angry that I’m the only one in charge of all the dirt and mess. Angry that he was right, I wasn’t keeping up my end of the bargain.

I was frustrated. Frustrated that our chosen dynamic means that I’m less powerful. Because no matter how much fire I have, no matter how strong willed I am or how tightly I hold onto my feminist heart, without my own money I am, ultimately, the one in the relationship with less power.

Sure, my husband shares “the power” with me, and likely better than I would if I were the money maker. He uses inclusive language; everything is “ours.” Most of the time, this dynamic works. My husband travels a lot. Often with little notice. We don’t have family or support in the city that we live in. I am the constant in my kids’ lives. I am the one who is always there for them. His work is high pressure and requires a lot of his time. I have chosen to be at home. I have chosen to be the one to take them to their lessons and activities. It’s convenient and it’s practical. 

But sometimes it just doesn’t sit well knowing that I am the keeper of the towels. Sometimes it feels daunting, degrading even, that all the dirt and the mess that happens on and all around my family members is there waiting for me.

So I battered the shit out of a plastic toy, and then I cleaned up the mess.

Sure, it was an undignified, first-world-problem induced display. But my mind felt clearer…

I will not find fulfillment at the bottom of an empty laundry basket. But I do find it when I put fingers to keyboard. Writing feeds my soul. I will hold onto it and I will prioritize it. I’m not going to win a Pulitzer Prize writing stories about how my husband hot boxes our living room with his farts or why I think giving out invisible trophies in the best way to deal with a know-it-all. But I am part of something that’s important to me. There’s a whole sisterhood of moms out there and I am a member of that vast community. And I’m also one of the voices within it.

If only it paid better…

I guess what I need to do is write a masterpiece. Ya. That’s what I’ll do! I’ll hit the big time and then I’ll be like: “Hun, I’m really busy with work so you and I are gonna need to divvy up these cleaning duties. How does that sound?”

Personally, I like the idea very much.

So, I’d best get started on that masterpiece! But before I do, I’ve got some towels to fold…

*This suburban snapshot has been brought to you by coffee, rage and hope.

Author

An amazing collection of bright women who somehow manage to work, play, parent and survive and write blog posts all at the same time. We are the BLUNTmoms, always honest, always direct and surprising hilarious.

60 Comments

  1. It’s like you’re in my head. Especially this week since I’m a SAHM but I’m really a writer (and laundry doer and grocery shopper, homework helper, and well, you know the rest) Great post. Great job on the toy BTW. I am on the hunt for one. Last night I broke a hanger in the master closet. Just took it off the hook and snapped it in two. Guess who’s hanger it was? A fucking beach towel is fine.

  2. I am the keeper of the towels because there is nobody else here to do it and it totally sucks. As far as your writing goes, I would personally say it is more than a hobby because your work is as professional as it gets. Hugs and loves to you. I’ve got towels to fold. In solidarity 🙂

    • Thanks so much Alison. I appreciate your words of support and for your towel folding with intention. I can feel the strength building. You fold. I fold. Together, we fold! Let’s break down the towel walls and follow our dreams! haha

    • Have you seen “The Hustler”, with Paul Newman and Tom Cruise? it is a terrific movie that drives home one really, really important point you and your towel rage have site of:

      You. Have. A. Choice.

      More specifically, in the immortal words of WLter Tevis:

      “That’s what the whole goddamned thing is: you got to commit yourself to the life you picked. And you picked it — most people don’t even do that”.

      (Most people really, really don’t have a choice. Housewife’s not an option available to all).

      So far as I can tell, your options are limited to (1) complaining and breaking stuff because you are sick of dealing with towels and (2) doing something about it.

      Get a job. Even a very, very part-time one will buy you a cleaning lady (no more towels!) and this a few hours a week to write like it’s really your job.

      • Hi Carlee, thanks for taking the time to comment and quote. lol. You are absolutely right! I agree, we need to accept and embrace the life we live. And I do! At the same time, we are all human, with various layers- not always consistent (or robotic) in how our emotions flow. On this day, in that moment, I felt the weight of my role and I was filled with anger. I then wrote about it and, nervously, put my name on it and shared it. It was a glimpse, a snapshot and it as turns out, there are other women out there (SAHMs and WAHMs and those who work FT etc.) who’ve been there too. I like your cleaning lady idea, it’s a good one. Thanks for reading.

  3. This could be about me, I also have all my kids in school, write a blog and get paid nothing. Often my husband travels for work. If he is here while I write my blog, he doesn’t take it seriously and gets irritated if there are dishes to wash or dinner is late. Today I was writing and he was putting away Christmas stuff and he acted irritated that I wasn’t helping. I told him if he waited I would help. He decided not to. I am not gonna feel guilty about that. It was his choice.

    • I feel you Heather. It’s hard to deny the pull of something that is important to us. It is also difficult for them to relate. Perhaps they are a bit envious of the attention that we spend on it… perhaps their annoyance is a bid for attention? Just a thought…

  4. Shannon, I got sucked into this post like no other. Mainly because I just stomped on Elmo…in front of my toddler…in a rage-filled cleaning fit. And while it felt amazing, my toddler is now stomping on Elmo anytime he’s frustrated. Oopsy. Love your writing and stand in solidarity when it comes to blogging more than cleaning.

    • Thanks so much Lisa! At least we can laugh about it. And cry and stomp on toys… Tantrums aren’t just for toddler and tweens! 🙂

  5. I totally get this and feel the same way. I try to find joy in the housework, but maybe I should be breaking stuff instead!! 🙂 thanks for writing something I can totally relate to!

  6. I feel you Heather. It’s hard to deny the pull of something that is important to us. It is also difficult for them to relate. Perhaps they are a bit envious of the attention that we spend on it… perhaps their annoyance is a bid for attention? Just a thought…

  7. I remember those days so well. However, even when I worked full time as the husband did, somehow I was still the “Keeper of all the Things”! Nothing changed. I took the kids to daycare, went to work, picked the kids up from daycare, went home and started job number two – dinner, homework, baths, bed for kids, laundry, cleaning, etc! WTF? However, sometimes as I sit in the quiet of my apartment, of my life, I very much miss those days. That could be dementia speaking so don’t pay much mind to it…..

    • That’s a great point to make, Mary. I bet someday, I too will miss it all. I can so see that being the case. It’s good to slow down and appreciate all the good that comes with this time in our lives, as well. Thanks for reading.

  8. Indeed! It is refreshing to hear of others engaging in a little but of raging. The hubs refers to me as “Chapman” (a Cincinnati Reds Pitcher) bc he happened to catch me hurling anb unfortunate coffee mug one AM I thought he was sleeping. I’ve been able to successfully keep the other incidents under wraps simply by feigning ignorance when questioned why something might not work or has disappeared. He might bet on to me. I work from home 99% of the time and am still the keeper of towels or everything. I also make more money so it’s like being a sugar mama w/o the benefits….

    • This made me laugh. Not at you but with you and with your husband. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of behind the scenes rage. What they don’t know doesn’t hurt them, right Chapman? 😉

  9. Yep! I just was some uninterrupted, unjudged time to write like it’s my job, not some hobby that keeps me away from the towels.

  10. Making money doesn’t change anything. I work from home FT and make more money than my husband, yet I still apparently own all the household and child rearing responsibilities. His schedule at work is crazy but on his days off he sleeps. On my days off I take care of kids and clean.

  11. Been there, did that… Wait! I AM there, I DO that!!
    Due to my daughters’ autism, I sacrificed my professional life and thus I only work (as a teacher) a few hours a day. My husband has crazy shifts and works many hours so, in his twisted male logic, if I have more time at home I should, basically, rule the world “because a lot of stay-at-home moms do it” and should think of something to bring us home extra money, get myself a decent stable job and so on. And, on top of that, still find the time to get to our daughters everytime the phone rings from school…
    Still working on it. Glad to see there are other moms feeling like that… I don’t feel like an alien anymore.

    • I think some things are only going to be understood, fully, by other women. This seems to be one of those scenarios and I am really glad that you found your way here! Thanks for taking the time to comment.

  12. Wow… I’m sorry to say I disagree with you, completely. First let me give you a little insight into my family. We have 4 children. My husband works 14 hour days on average, and every other week works out of town. So I tend to feel like a single parent most days. Not only am I a stay at home mommy, I also homeschool you youngest three. Then, our oldest who is only 16 started college full-time this year. So I am driving him back and forth to classes until he has his license and a car. I love to write, unfortunately my blog is completely neglected. But I write more often then I post, so I understand that urge to write. And for awhile I was the WORST housewife ever. Everything was always a mess, laundry was never done (I’ve counted… JUST to keep up I must do 15-18 loads EVERY week). However, THIS is my domain. I have NEVER felt power less. I’ve felt like things were out of control and I was spinning my wheels. Days like I would NEVER get everything done that I needed to get done. Then, I took responsibility for my actions. I realized that the house out of control was a negative effect on my kids and my husband. My husband works his buns off FOR ME. The least I can do, is match his effort. Now, my laundry is done, my house is clean (and I am beginning to declutter one room at a time). Here is what I’ve found. Now, most days, I am completely done with everything I needed to accomplish for the day, housework, kids schoolwork and bills, by about 5 or 6 o’clock at night. So then, I have tons of time to write as much as I want.

    Yes, it is extremely important that I have an outlet. Because my days are completely consumed by my family. For awhile I lost myself and felt seriously depressed. But when I remember why I am doing what I am doing, and what’s really most important, things fall into place.

    Also, I refuse to do all of the chores in this house. So each child has a chore sheet of daily things they need to accomplish BEFORE schoolwork, even my college student. I’ve made a deal with my older kids, 16 & 11, if they will switch out the laundry on their assigned days I will do the folding, mainly because I am picky about the way things get folded. My littles (5 & 6) are responsible for simple tasks like gather up all of the shoes flung off at the door or “sweeping” and straightening up the porch and putting the outside toys away. We all live here so we all pitch in.

    • Hey Nici, I like your style and your approach is fantastic. It’s ideal, really. Unfortunately, it’s not mine. I am sadly not as good at mulit-tasking as some. It’s something that I have gotten better at now that I am a mom of three, though. I also tend to dive too far into my writing world, getting lost on occasion (which feels heavenly) and it seems to be when I produce my best writing- when I am lost in it. But this does annoy my husband and I can understand why. I do see it from his perspective, too. We did talk it out. Now, what you need to know is, that I have not given up my house to complete and utter chaos. Not at all. If you knocked on my door right now, I wouldn’t be embarrassed. There’s food in the fridge, a fresh Spanish Omelette sitting on the stove for dinner tonight. There are also mounds of laundry filling our front hallway. It is what it is and I don’t aim for perfect order, it’s just not my way. I’m not a type A. I am on top of a few things faithfully: uniforms, lunches and most things to do with the kids. My husband, like yours, works hard and he deserves the world! And not just for how hard he works! He knows that I appreciate him. He is gorgeous, funny, loving, generous and a hand-on-dad who absolutely deserves a towel and a nice home to live in. I also deserve to have something for me. I know this and so does my husband. It’s in the balance of it that I am challenged. This story has captured one particular moment in my life as a wife and mother. A moment when I was both weak and strong. It was raw and very real and it seems one that many can relate to. And for this, I am grateful. Thanks for commenting.

  13. I totally get this! thank you!

    I’ve been known to take a day off, but secretly throw the towels in the machine, then the dryer, but NOT FOLD them. But only after catching up with some TV……

    Accidental housewife……right here….

  14. I think that women who choose to stay home often do so with some blinders on. They really don’t see what a grind it can be at first, and over time it becomes clear that no matter how nicely folded the towels are, the kids grow up and take you for granted anyway. It is the unfortunate reality for us all I am afraid, but at some point we should look at what we are doing with our lives, like truly look and then decide if it makes us happy or not.

    • This is why we all need to do something that we love! Something that helps us stay connected to the person that we are, outside of motherhood and wifehood. Ideally, it pays us money too! And if it doesn’t or, if the money that we make is less than that of our spouse, there will be an unspoken division of power in the relationship, no matter how cool the money-maker is…
      I am off to read your post now!

  15. I so understand this. Instead of breaking stuff, I usually just throw it away. Half the time they never notice anyway. I’m pregnant with my third and my husband’s first. Yesterday I asked him if he would go downstairs to get the clean laundry and he looked at me cross-eyed. I was like, “Hey, you better step up to the plate, because in about a month you’ll be doing a lot more because my vajayjay will be ripped in half, milk will be leaking out of my boobs, and I’ll be covered in poo!” Okay, so that was a bit of an exaggeration, but sheesh — go get the laundry already! Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!

    • Yup, it’s a good thing to get him on task now. It’s about to get crazy! Good luck with it all and congrats on baby number 3. Thanks for stopping by.

  16. This is why we all need to do something that we love! Something that helps us stay connected to the person that we are, outside of motherhood and wifehood. Ideally, it pays us money too! And if it doesn’t or, if the money that we make is less than that of our spouse, there will be an unspoken division of power in the relationship, no matter how cool the money-maker is…
    I am off to read your post now!

  17. I can see myself in this story 🙂 even if I’m a SAHM at the moment… It’s OK to have a few moments of rage, isn’t it!? As long as we take it out on the objects/toys/garbage bins 🙂

  18. Wow. It’s like you’re in my head, Shannon! I LOVE being at home. I kinda HATE that while I’m kind of my ‘own’ boss, I ‘ultimately’ report to my husband. My kids are both still at home and DH said, before Christmas, “Listen. I think it’s great that you’ve got this hobby. But unless you can start paying the bills with it, the kids and the house need more attention, the blog needs less.” Harsh, but so true. However, *I’M* the one who chose to stay at home and take on this role – I could go out and get a job tomorrow, if I wanted, and we could change the situation up. However, that’s not really what I want, and sometimes it’s SO frustrating, knowing that the path that I’ve chosen requires a humble and servant nature when all I want to do is what I want to do! It’s a hard balance to strike. (I’ll stop the rambling now.)

    • The blogging/writing world is as open and endless as the flow of dirty laundry yet it is so much more interesting! The challenge is in the balance of it, and being able to set limitations on time and effort spent doing it. And in staying focussed on what matters most, within it. I need to get better at that. I am glad that you’ve been able to relate to my story and hope that you can figure out a balance that works for you and your husband.

  19. Justine Beggars Roost Reply

    Hi Shannon,
    Great article, right there with you. Love Dear Husband but don’t know when I signed the exclusive laundry and toilet cleaning contract…. As you say, dirt is obviously considered our domain. When we get our book deals we’ll get the cleaner, right?

  20. I am totally on the same page. I was a much better housekeeper when my kids were younger and I didn’t have a blog and writing assignments to do. Now I find myself busy with work. But like you my problem is though I love what I do and I am making some money, I am not making enough to justify getting paid help. I do sometimes feel guilty, but I also know that like you , I am the on-call parent. My husband works long hours and most days is gone by 7 and not home till around 9 or 10. Yes, the kids are in school, but I am running around like a chicken without my head doing the things I need to do for them. Sometimes towels do fall to the wayside. Thanks for expressing so perfectly all that I’m feeling!

  21. I have spent the majority of the past 8 years working out of the house so sometimes I am the one who gets questioned about why there aren’t towels or how some things are unkempt.

    It always leads into some of the same sort of discussions you shared. Division of labor accepted by both parties or not is a pain.

    • Yes. I think all couples have their battles about labour division, unless they hire people to do it for them! And then, I’m sure they’d still end up finding themselves battling it out in other areas. Such is life when you partner up and create a family, right?! Thanks for commenting, Jack.

  22. Hi Shannon,

    I loved this post, and I love how people like you have the courage to speak candidly! I am very new to the world of blogging, but I aspire to the greatness I see in other more well-established mommy bloggers. My hubby appreciates my ambition and supports what I have set out to do, but there are still moments were I sense a distinct lack of appreciation for my ‘real job’ because, like you, “due to a complete lack of income, I’m actually a housewife with a hobby”, I could not have said it better! 😉

    • Hi Bonnie, It sounds like you can relate! Welcome to blogging! I’ve been around for over a year now and I can honestly say, I love it! I love that I get to be creative while making sense of my own life. I also like that I have deadlines and that I am connecting to other people in genuine ways. I considered not putting my name on this piece, actually. Because it is quite personal but i’m glad I did. It is a wonderful feeling to know that others are relating to you through your writing/experiences and to be able to take part in real conversations, as well. I think deciding how much you are willing to reveal about yourself and your family members is an important question that you need to ask yourself, as a writer/blogger. It’s a tough balance to find- to be relatable yet true to what feels right for you. All the best to you in your blogging journey and thanks so much for commenting.

      • Thank you for your advice and well wishes! I definitely need to put more thought into my content, I am usually fairly private (I guess I had my diary invaded too many times as a girl), but after learning to deal with the kind of judgement that moms often receive from even close family and friends, I’m in a place now where I’m ready to put myself out there in a lot of ways. I’m through with feeling ashamed about the choices I’ve made because someone disagrees. To Hell with the naysayers! I know people will still criticize when I write, but I’m not writing for those people. People who blog candidly like you bring much needed comfort and camaraderie to those who can relate, and earns the respect of writers opening their hearts about different but equally difficult struggles. I am constantly amazed at the support that can be found in the blogging community. Keep on being candid Shannon! 🙂

    • I am so glad! You have written some great stuff these past few days, Lisa, while unpacking from your trip and adjusting yourself and your little people back into their home timezone. Oh and aren’t you moving soon? Lol. I see a potential toy a beating in your future…. Hang tough.

  23. I haven’t had a chance to read through all of the comments, but I did want to say how much I relate to this piece. This weekend I went a little ape shit on my husband because he kept mentioning that we were out of paper towels like it was some sort of domestic emergency. But I think what was really bugging me is that he was unintentionally poking me in a very raw, open spot. The same spot I think you were writing this from. Thank you for sharing. I am right there with you.

    • Yes!! I think you are right, Kaly. There is a spot there… a spot that aims to keep us whole and to help us stay true to the person who isn’t a mom and a wife. My husband’s version of this story would be: “all I wanted was a towel. And then she freaked out.” Lol. Thanks for taking the time to comment and make sure you get to Costco for some paper towels! 😉

  24. Your article really resonated with me…… I’m a SAHM who feels suffocated by household drudgery and long for the day I can pursue writing as a hopefully paying career! Best wishes to you! Keep on writing! (Next time, hide in the garage and write……). 😉

    • The desire to write is as powerful as the flow of laundry and where there’s a will there’s a way! Both need to be done. 🙂 Thanks for commenting.

  25. I love this Shannon! I feel like we are living parallel lives! It’s always the subtext of the questions that gets me…they’re never just asking “Is there a towel?” Hilarious (and infuriating) 😉

    • Hey Ann, thanks so much! You are very right. We know how to decode their questions. Mine claims total innocence: “I was just wondering if maybe we needed to buy more towels…” Good one, eh? lol

  26. That’s what I’ll do! I’ll hit the big time and then I’ll be like: “Hun, I’m really busy with work so you and I are gonna need to divvy up these cleaning duties. How does that sound?”

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