Give Your Girl Parts a Shake

How long did I hide under blankets with the lights out? Years. This could be the reason I am divorced. My ex-husband never saw me naked.

In my opinion I wasn’t a “sexy thang.” I was a breeder who made children – beautiful ones, but I had zero libido and I wasn’t interested in doing anything about it. Now I sell dildos, anal numbing cream and bondage sheets. It’s called coming into yourself – literally.

The problem was the idea of love was always focused outward – onto others. Crushes, first loves, my kids, chocolate. I mean I cared about myself. I cleaned up well – I brushed my teeth three times a day…I just never went down “there” to check on things.

I was twenty-one before anyone even told me it was a normal thing for women to do. I was in college sitting in a room full of young women who were bragging about rubbing one out. Now while this may sound like soft porn to you, I was baffled. I apparently fit the 2% demographic that never ever.

I don’t blame my mother for never telling me about the joys of masturbation. Can’t imagine there was ever a segway from pass the potatoes to –  here, you’ll need some fresh double AAs.

I blame the internet for not existing and Mattel for bending Barbie’s arms so she couldn’t reach “there.”

And then I got real brave. I wanted to know what the big deal was once and for all. So I tried – and failed miserably. My hands just wouldn’t…wander. My head was full of shame and embarrassment – even without being raised Catholic. I just had ingrained sexual shame. And it lasted for a long, long time. Until I bought my first vibrator.

Technically you aren’t touching yourself as much as you’re finessing a speed dial.

It helped me in so many ways. I slept better, managed stress, entertained fantasies and mostly accepted myself as a sexual woman. But I still kept it hidden under the sheets and only used it alone.

It wasn’t until after my fortieth birthday that I started to really accept life above the duvet. I stopped giving a shit about things like shame and wondering if dead relatives could see me (so sorry Nanna.) And I owned it. A good partner encourages the use of toys because honestly it gets the job done and anyone can benefit from mutual vibration.

Now I want to empower other women to educate themselves about their lady parts. Divorced, married, single or dating it doesn’t matter – you have to take care of your bits and your sanity. And don’t cheap out on the batteries – it only leads to throwing your silicone boyfriend across the room.

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