I’m a fat girl. I don’t mean that in the sense where I say I’m fat and I’m really a size 4 and I’m just saying that so my girlfriends will all chime in with “You’re not fat. I wish I had your waist.”
No one wishes they had my waist.
I embrace my fat girl status, albiet with extra long arms to get around that waist I was talking about. Sure, I’d love to be thinner, but I’d also love to keep eating chocolate chip cookies before bedtime. It’s a sacrifice I’m just not willing to make.
Because I’m a fat girl, I’ve developed some rules for going to the pool. I love catching some rays but I don’t like catching stares from the other pool-goers.
As a result, I’ve developed a guide to going to the pool that I’d love to share with all those hefty ladies out there. We’ve got to stick together and support each other.
By the way, our meeting is at the snack bar.
1. Read a big book. It makes you look studious while hiding the cupcake you ate last night.
2. Get a swim dress. Seriously. It’s cute and comfy and it makes it so easy to transform from day to evening wear. The dress also flies up when you get in the water, making a make-shift floating device. Safety first.
3. Surround yourself with skinny people. This might not make sense at first but follow me through it. Skinny people look great in a bathing suit. Why not hang out with people who look good at the pool? It provides beautiful surroundings which will make you feel better about yourself. After all, you may be overweight but you don’t have to look at yourself at the pool. Sidle up to skinny people and enjoy the view.
4. Hit the snack bar. Because come on. Why not? They have pretzels with cheese there.
5. Get an extra large towel. It seems counter-intuitive but the extra fabric will wrap nicely around you, slimming you down while drying you off.
6. Get a tan. Much like how that little black dress slims you down, so do sun rays. Kind of. There’s no actual scientific proof to support this, but I figure tan fat looks better than pale fat so throw the SPF back in the bag.
To all my fellow chunky sisters out there, I hope you find these suggestions helpful in getting you through these summer months. If not, the best suggestion I can give you can be summed up in one word: alcohol.