Eulogy For A Sex Toy

Alison Tedford
Written by Alison Tedford

I can’t believe I have to say these words, on the occasion of the unexpected loss of one of my best friends. This bereavement was one that caught me quite off guard and came as I felt shaken to my very core.  I feel I’ve been left hanging just on the edge of something that could have been truly earth shattering. Many friends have cum and gone and cum and gone over the years but you,  my dear, you were different. Your presence was invigorating, truly electric. Having you near left me positively a-buzz. You knew how to reach my most inner recesses and you always touched me deeply. I was always left feeling satisfied for our time together.

You taught me to speak a whole new language and we moved in the same comfortable circles. You were always so reliable, our dance familiar, our exchanges predictably satisfying. I always knew you would take me exactly where I needed to be and no matter what time of day or night it might be, you would be there for me. You knew me intimately without judgement and the joy of your presence was always close at hand, just within my grasp, right at my fingertips. You were completely in tune with what I needed and never let me down – until that last night we said goodbye.

I remember how still you laid there, unresponsive in the dead of night. I called to you, but you did not answer. I felt bereft and longed for you, frustrated in the quiet. I yearned for your comfort just one last time, to feel you near me again. Your impression has been left in the palm of my hand and your happy sounds echo in my memory.  I will never forget the times we had, the long nights you got me through and the way you always showed up for me. You were my faithful companion, understanding without question and persistently tenacious without complaint. Your silence is painful and I miss you always.

It will take time to fill the void you left in my life (at least 4-6 weeks if ground shipping estimates are to be believed) and I mourn for you, despairing. My sadness has reached a climax that I never will in your excruciating absence. Here I lay, my toes curled for you once more for old time sake. Cheers to you, my best friend, the bullet I would take a bullet for, but now my dear bullet is no more.

Until we meet again and again and again.

 

About the author

Alison Tedford

Alison Tedford

Alison Tedford is a hot mess mom, daily writer of funny and serious shit, cookie arsonist and hogger of the bed. She's Canadian, but not sorry at all.

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