I love social media so much I’d probably hyperventilate and break out in hives if I had to spend more than 24 hours without being plugged in. There, I admitted it.

I can tweet, pin, and instagramalamadingdong with the best of them. I’ve been completely confused and shamed by G+ and I have no flippin’ idea what Snap Chat even is. But, like most people, Facebook is my first social media love, so I’m paying tribute today to some of the people you’ll meet there.

1. Like you long time
You might not know this person well. You might be a little confused as to why they’re on your friend list in the first place, but they give thumbs up to every damn thing you post. Pictures of cute puppies? They like it. You’re an oversharer who posts about potty training woes or your fibromyalgia? Like! “I’m broke and depressed. My dog died. I haven’t showered for 3 days. Bring Cheese Whiz and Boone’s Farm, stat.”

You guessed it – LIKE!

I’m guilty of over-using that like button on occasion. Facebook “like” is the cyber equivalent of “hey, I see you. I know you. Blueberry pancakes? Cool.” Major life events maybe deserve a “WTG” or at least a “WTF”, hmm? Promotion? Dog died? I married a guy in Vegas after a four-hour courtship? Leave a comment, k?

2. Tagtastic
If you take my picture feel free to tag me, Tweet me, plaster me all over Instagram. Unless I look fat or shiny. Same goes if I’m adjusting my bra strap or scratching. Then, you’re dead to me.

Don’t overuse the tagging privilege. If there’s an item in your newsfeed about adoption, sure, tag me. Since I have adopted kids, I’m super interested in anything written on the subject, even pet adoption (apparently). If you see a catchy article on vaginas (and really, any article with the “v” word grabs your attention) well heck yeah – tag me! Since I’m a woman and a mom, try to find a way to double tag me. I have Zuckersucker’s email if you’d like to suggest that as a future Facebook feature (not really, but that made me sound cool for a nanosecond.)

3. Farm Haters
This also applies to Pet Rescue Haters and so on. People of Facebook – just deal. Some people want to live out their farmer and mobster fantasies online. Who knows why, really? There are people who want to crush your candy and blitz your jewels (sounds weird and painful, but to each their own). Turn your cyber cheek if it’s not your thing. Writing a Hatey McHaterson status update about Farmville? No one cares. Have a cocktail and ignore.

4. Misguided Mommies
“Little Jenny has a fever of 105. Help?”

“My five year-old slaps my ass and tells me to get him a beer. Ideas?”

Ummmm…really? Get off Facebook, step away from your phone and go take care of your kid already. And if your kindergartener is asking you for brewskis maybe you should limit the Showtime After Dark.

The Interwebs is chock full of information on just about anything…but is your Facebook feed always the best source? Check out some parenting forums or call your mom.

5. Gym selfie guy
If you want the world to see how ripped you are, just hand your phone to the sweaty person the next machine over and ask them to snap a pic of your delts (but get some hand sanitizer after, k?) It totally weirds me out to see other people snap snap snappin’ he-man pics in the gym mirror (at least it would if I actually went to the gym.)

6. The fundraiser
Everyone wants money for something nowadays days and social media makes it easy to fleece friends and strangers so they can pay for our stuff. If I don’t buy a Scentsy warmer from Mom X right now the Class of 2017 will have a sucky prom. Keeps me awake at night.

7. Screenshot drama mama
Thanks to technology I can share the snarky text hubs sent me with the world. Mind you, I can’t actually do that because I’m so low tech I’d never figure that out, but my timeline says it’s possible. I know nothing stops us from airing dirty laundry on social media but there’s just something…well, dirty about sharing stuff that’s meant to be private.

8. Checker-iner’s
Jim Lipshitz checked in at “The Lipshitz Hacienda” with Marge Lipshitz. What’s that about? Someone’s home now so this is a bad time to come steal our stuff?

Javier checked in at Home Depot. Lola checked in at Applebees. I kind of like knowing when my friends are shopping for lumber or enjoying some two-for-one appetizers, but that’s just me.

And the obnoxious checker-iners:

Doreen is at American Airlines First Class Lounge, status update: “Gawd, no decent Merlot? Can’t wait to get to Paris for some real wine…” Yeah, I wanna reach through my phone and slap her.

Honorable mention shout-out to perpetual hashtaggers (I always wonder what real conversations with these people are like), the “if I eat it gotta photograph it” foodies, the prayer requestors and the “look at me I worked out today” folks…you know, the ones who constantly check in at their gym or use those annoying apps that tout their mileage? Then there’s the “vaugebookers” with “I’ve lost my faith in mankind” status updates screaming for “oh hon, what’s wrong?” and the chronic Pinterest freaks that litter our timelines with crazy DIY projects made with PVC pipe and recycled yogurt cups. That shit is intended to make me feel like an epic failure if I dare to try that stuff at home. I usually don’t dare but my newsfeed is riddled with those projects.

I’m guilty of my share of “Facebook taboos.” I’m sure many of my status updates have been met with eye rolls, speculation on whether I’ve lost my mind and even a few dreaded unfriends. But, at the end of the day, we shouldn’t take social media too seriously. We have choices on who connect with, so if gym selfies or Pet Rescue really bugs you, cut the ties or don’t look.

I look at it this way: gives me more to laugh at. And sometimes, a good eye roll can be fun. What kind of Facebooker are you?

 

Author

Jill writes about adoption, motherhood and midlife on her blog Ripped Jeans and Bifocals. She has a degree in social psychology that she uses to try and make sense out of the behavior of her husband and three children but it hasn't really helped so far. She enjoys dry humor and has a love/hate relationship with running. Her writing has also been featured on Huffington Post, Babble, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and Mamalode. Jill is a BlogHer 2015 Voice of the Year and willingly answers any questions that end with “and would you like wine with that?” Hang out with Jill on Facebook. and Twitter.

9 Comments

    • The taggers are the worst for me. The checker-iners & cray cray moms just make me laugh. When we first announced we were adopting back in 2011, I’d get tagged in EVERYTHING adoption on Facebook. Sigh.

  1. hahahaha! This was fantastic. I’m guilty of a few of these, too. However, whenever I cook something and it turns out edible– I really feel inclined to post a photo of it. Almost as a reminder to my future self that I can (sometimes) cook and it does (sometimes) turn out! I think I am going to start posting a bunch of cat photos on FB and tagging you in them….. Hahaha 😉

    • Cat photos?!? That would be hilarious. I have never been a food picture taker myself, but every once in a while, I am tempted. Usually with stuff I order in a restaurant versus something I actually make, though. If I make something that tastes good, I have a hard time getting it to look pretty.

  2. You forgot one, although it ties in closely with the fundraisers–independent sales. I have one friend who sells essential oils in her spare time. Basically, every second she’s on FB. I might mention that my daughter is scared of the dark. Her solution? Oils. I have a cold. She tells me to buy some oils. Ugh. Enough already. 🙂 Great list!!

  3. best line: “If I don’t buy a Scentsy warmer from Mom X right now the Class of 2017 will have a sucky prom. Keeps me awake at night.” so awesome!

  4. I have some single guy friends from High School who think posting mostly nude pics of girls on their page is all the rage! Also, anything Football, fantasy or real.

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