Pregnant? Find yourself making a birth plan? Does it have an exclusive invite-only list of attendees? I hope so. You want only those who are helpful, nurturing and available.
Does your list include the baby daddy, your bff or your mom? How ‘bout a dolphin? Did you go ahead and book yourself a marine-doula?
Yes, people, we’ve crossed into the weird and totally fucking uncomfortable place called the internet. Where you can find real people, who really use real dolphins, to assist in their very, real ocean-water births.
Planning a dolphin-assisted birth? Then you must visit this site: Planet Puna, which is run by nutters. They insist your baby will be smarter and faster if Flipper helps him out of your hoo-ha.
And by assist, I mean, all fins on deck. The dolphin is right there poking at your belly, click-cackling and squeaking, being adorable, while you sit and wonder how those surgical gloves fit on flippers.
Really though, how can a dolphin assist you? We’ve all seen what dolphins do. Tricks. How helpful will that dolphin be, arching itself so majestically out of the ocean, while you tread water and contract?
Naturally, spending many months in our mother’s amniotic sac, some of us choose to birth in water, which is beautiful. Sterile, warm, from-a-hose, porpoise-free water. Though it may actually be a more sanitary option than the ocean, you can’t book this birth experience at Marineland (yet.)
Nothing good can come from dolphins. Remember your tattoo of one? It’s not as awesome as it was in the 90’s, is it? Your birth plan will suck too.
Why dolphins are the worst birth assistants.
- They’re known for their cuteness. Everyone will have eyes on them, not you.
- Who catches babies with those? #slippery
- Dolphins can’t wear watches. How’s it supposed to time your contractions?
- Birthing in an ocean is insane, because fish poo.
- A shark could eat your baby.
So please hippies, consider any other-animal assisted birth.
- A Seeing-eye Dog: these pups are trained to detect heart attacks and earthquakes. Way more useful than an attention-grabbing fish.
- Gorilla: Hello, opposable thumbs to give the universal symbol when baby is crowning.
- Ostrich: Super fast runner to fetch hot water, and have you seen the size of its eggs? #empathy
- Cat: Although it will also hog attention, it will keep your tummy warm as it insists on being right where the action is.
- Ladybug: Completely useless, but offers land births instead of ocean; also there are endless amounts of ladybugs so you won’t be on a wait list.