I lost my first child.

I.Lost.My.First.Child.

I lost my daughter. Yes, even typing it over and over I feel like I’m writing about someone else’s life. How can I possibly know such pain?

I look at pictures of my baby girl, the ones where my husband and I were holding her, smiling at her, the happy moments where we were so naive to think anything so horrible could ever happen to us.

And it pains me.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m drowning in ache, swallowing hard and still not able to swallow all the grief. It’s been over 4 years since she passed away but some days, even moments within a day, the pain feels so raw it feels like it was just yesterday that I held her, watched her take her last breath.

It has affected me so much and continues to crawl through every aspect of my life. How I see the world, how I fear the world, and how I live in the world. I can’t escape it, and I’ll never get over it. But somehow the days go by and I manage to get through it. I manage to love my husband and my other two sons; I manage to smile and laugh; I manage to live and carry on. But don’t be mistaken, I feel like the happiest sad person. I’m a closet griever. I’ve got a hole in my heart, a yearning that I can’t put into words to have someone comfort me. Not that it would matter because I cannot be healed, at least not on Earth. One day in Heaven.

Having lost a child, I’m not sure if it’s made me a better parent or a worse one. I question every judgment call I make. I worry there will be no tomorrow, which makes me scared to discipline or make my children unhappy by placing them in time out, withholding daily treats or other spoilings. But I do these things, after all it is my duty to teach them right and wrong, that they can’t have everything they want, when they want. But it is a struggle for me, a guilt filled struggle. I know we all question ourselves as parents, I often wonder if I am normal? Do I doubt my parenting skills just like every other mom or dad? Or am I truly so scarred from losing a child that I’m going to pass the damage of loss on to my children by my parenting skills, or lack thereof (this is how it feels sometimes).

How does one move forward, get past all the fears that come with losing innocence and naïveté, and know that what we are doing is the best way possible? Are we all trying to keep our head above water? Or am I so far under the water I can never come back to normalcy? For now I will continue to do what I have no choice but to do, take one day at a time, listen to my gut, cry on the inside, smile on the outside, and pray.

 

Christy is a SAHM to two active little boys and one angel daughter who now lives in heaven. You can read more about the loss of her daughter on her sister’s blog.  Christy and her family encourage anyone interested in helping other families avoid their tragedy to make a donation to St. Judes

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24 Comments

  1. You wrote so gracefully about a pain and grief I can’t even begin to comprehend. I know this will help other parents who are facing similar challenges after the loss of a child. Thank you for writing this.

  2. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sure you are a fine mother to your sons…I have no idea how you can move beyond your grief…but I do wish you peace. I hope you find your way to peace one day.

  3. I believe in the power of healing through writing. I am glad your words are here, and that now, we can surround you with love and give witness to your daughter, and the life she had on earth. I think of one of my favorite quotes about loss, “never let the time spent on earth be a measure of someone’s worth. ” She is worth everything. I am so sorry.

  4. Christy, thank you for sharing your words with us. My heart aches for your loss. I hope that putting them out there has helped you (even in a small way) in your healing process. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. Thank you for sharing a glimpse into your experience. One that I am sure will help others feel less alone.

  5. Even after reading your words, I cannot imagine what it’s like trying to recover from your loss. I wish you gentle footfalls on this path you walk and hope somewhere, some way, you find a place to rest which brings you peace. Thank you for your courage and for sharing your daughter with us <3

  6. It always breaks my heart to hear someone has lost a child. The pain never goes away. 10 years later and I still miss mine. I understand the guilt you feel and I want you to know you are doing the right thing. One day your boys might know the same loss. I sure hope not. If they do though the will look back and see the courage it takes for you to not drown in your grief, and be a wonderful mother to them.
    You’ve got this.

  7. All of you will hold her inside of your hearts for eternity; she will never be forgotten and she will always be loved. I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you and your family have been through.

  8. Crying so very, very hard right now. The ugly cry. I’m so sorry, and I respect your bravery for writing about it.

  9. Oh Christy, I am so sorry for your incredibly painful loss. I cannot begin to imagine the pain in your heart. I hope that the power in releasing through words has brought some sort of comfort, even if just a little. <3

  10. A very good friend of mine lost a daughter too. I see her pain 5 years later and it breaks my heart that all I have for her is a hug because what she really wants is her angel back. I send you a virtual hug knowing that it is not enough. Thank you for being so brave to share your story.

  11. So heartbreakingly beautiful. I can’t fathom the loss and it is truly my greatest fear. Thank you for sharing your truth.
    Traci

  12. “For now I will continue to do what I have no choice but to do, take one day at a time, listen to my gut, cry on the inside, smile on the outside, and pray.” I think you’re doing the best that anyone could do under the most unfair of circumstances. I would add to the list to love and be gentle with yourself, and know that it is okay to cry on the outside too and ask for help when you need it. Your boys have the love of a mother who knows how precious the time with them is. They have all they need right there. Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you well in your healing journey.

  13. Thank you. I couldn’t have put those feelings to words anymore gracefully. Five years this month and my girl is always on my mind. And I fight the constant tug toward becoming a helicopter mom. Thank you for letting me know I’m not crazy after all this time.

  14. That was brave of you to share, and so helpful to people who have lived your nightmare. I’ll keep a prayer for you and yours. Thanks for sharing this.

  15. I don’t think you ever get past loss, you build it into your daily life. Over time the pain softens, but the muscle memory of our heart is always part of who we are. Taking your insides and putting them out there is appreciated … to know that loss is a daily struggle, that the second guessing is part of the journey, that we are not alone. *hugs*

  16. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I lost my first child, my son, right before he was born. The cord that was wrapped twice around his neck wasn’t a problem until he started to be born…then it got too tight and what started out as a happy event ended in horror. It has been 18 years. When you said “I am the happiest sad person” I know exactly what you mean. I love my daughter, born 16 months after my son, as fiercely as anyone, seeing danger everywhere and trying to not lose it, especially now when she takes the car keys and leaves my protection. You cannot “get over” something like this. It never “goes away.” The only way I can deal with it is to liken it to a pearl. At first it’s so horribly painful…but then, over time, your body adds the thinnest of layers to it. The pain can still blindside you, everything your other children do is just one more thing that baby will never get the chance to do. The pain does get “softer” in a way….and one day I hope to hold my grief as a lovely pearl…it is always a part of me. My love to all of you.

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