My Daughter’s Suicide Note

Wannabee BLUNT
Written by Wannabee BLUNT

Nothing ever prepares you for reading a suicide note written by your own child.

I’ll never forget the look on my husband’s face when he handed it to me to read. Shock, pain, and a heaviness all showed. As I read each section, addressed to different people in her life, my stomach twisted and tears prickled in my eyes. I wanted to throw up, knowing that she felt this way and hadn’t ever told us.

Thankfully, when I read my stepdaughter’s unfinished note, we knew she was alive and safe, at the time. It was a wake up call, however, and we quickly began the process of taking care of her and getting the help she needed.

Like many teenage girls, my stepdaughter is very private. Closed doors are of utmost importance to her, and she admonishes us to knock before entering her room. This can be a real pain, since our house is tiny and requires that each room have multiple uses. That means her room also doubles as the change room for my two younger children, where clothes and diapers are stored. It’s not fair to a girl who wants and needs privacy, but I’m glad of the excuse to go into her room intermittently, now.

After reading that note, and talking to her about her suicidal and self-harming tendencies, I live in fear of walking in to see something horrifying and permanent. Something that her little sister, who worships her, will never be able to unsee. Something that will haunt me forever.

A long conversation with our family doctor revealed that this wasn’t a state that she was constantly in, but one she unwillingly found herself in, during times of stress. She had no plans of killing herself, didn’t want to abandon her family or hurt them, the way she knew she would, if she were to go through with it. But she confessed that she had moments when she felt it would be easier to end things.

What do you say to a child who feels this way? How, in God’s name, is it possible to convey how treasured, how important, how worthy they are? That our hearts splinter apart, when faced with the thought that they are cutting themselves in hidden places, to dull the pain? That so very many people would be utterly devastated if they were to act on their impulses?

We have tried. Or, I have tried. My husband seems to be stuck in that stereotypical male role of not talking very much about feelings at the moment.

This story is still very much in progress, but I write it now to relate how thankful I am that this is still a story in progress. The fact that we discovered what was going on, despite her best efforts to hide it makes me feel like we have a fighting chance to get her the help she needs in time.

But this also needs to serve as a warning to other parents of teens. Sure, there are moments of moodiness and an intense need for privacy that most teenagers need. Yes, there are times of strife, and clashes between your teen and you. You’re still allowed to get on them about finishing their homework and staying up too late.

You need to listen to your instinct, though, if your child is saying the words, “I’m fine, it’s okay,” and you can see in their eyes that it’s not, talk to them about it. And make sure, even through the fighting, that they know they are loved. That they are important. That they are worth fighting for.

And hopefully they’ll remember, when it counts.

 

This author has chosen to write anonymously. 

About the author

Wannabee BLUNT

Wannabee BLUNT

Wannabe's are Guest Authors to BLUNTmoms. They might be one-hit wonders, or share a variety of posts with us. They "may" share their names with you, or they might write as "anonymous" but either way, they are sharing their stories and their opinions on our site, and for that we are grateful.

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11 Comments

  • What a scary experience to go through. You wrote such a powerful piece and I hope that so many parents eyes are met with your words. I am glad your daughter is safe and I hope that she continues to know how loved and worthy she is.
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  • I can’t even imagine finding a note like this and am happy you have had her seen by a professional doctor. I hope it is a good therapist. Young girls/women have so many pressures to contend with these days, some self-imposed, others are blasted at them everywhere in such a fast and furious manner.

    I hope she continues to feel better and I’m glad you have access to her room also. I think privacy is great for young girls but too much can be a bad thing and it’s great you see that!

    Powerful piece and yes, definitely a wake-up call for parents. Thank you for sharing.

  • I found a suicide note at the weekend in the back of my daughters diary (age 14). She has been suffering from severe depression for several months. The weekend was terrible and she looked for pills to take and smashed a large mirror in her room, but didn’t cut herself. Tonight she is crying lots and says,”she’ll fix it! It will be ok” I’m not sure if she is safe? Should I take her to hospital to keep her safe. A very worried and confused Mum!

    • ask her if she is thinking about killing herself? if she says yes, take her to the hospital.
      if she says NO, ask her why she is feeling the way she does. what is happening in her life that is making her so upset. take her to your family doctor, so that she can tell the doctor how she is feeling.
      My daughter has tried to kill herself just over the Christmas break ( unintentionally) by taking 30 Tylenol ( and my daughter is a cutter for years now) she didn’t want to die, she just wanted the pain to stop. we have been going through this for about a year now. She has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, social anxiety & PSTD.
      Getting her to your family doctor is the best way to get her started on the right track to getting better. they should set her up with the proper people to get her diagnosed and starting treatment. My daughter still has her days, but she has been learning to cope and try to keep the bad thoughts of hurting herself out! with the help of seeing a therapist and a head doctor, her future is bright! it is a scary process to watch your daughter go through but if you start to get her the help she needs, things will get better, not over night, it takes hard work on both your parts, but it will

  • Hugs from another mother in the thick of it. My daughter is 12, has had an anxiety disorder for years, and is now experiencing depression with the onset of puberty, because that’s exactly what was needed.
    My daughter has been in therapy for almost 3 years. My mother in law suffered from severe depression. My husband committed acts of self harm into his early 20s.
    Just last school year, there had been a boy at her school who had talked about harming himself, and my daughter and I had a long talk about it.
    So we were better prepared, more experienced, than most people dealing with this. In addition, our daughter was adopted out of foster care, and depression is the number one long term lasting diagnosis for children who where in the system. In a way, we expected this.
    It is still one of the hardest, most emotionally gut-wrenching things we have ever been through. The weekend where it was like we were back with my MIL, because our daughter just cried at everything. When my husband (who takes our daughter to therapy) told me that the therapist had told him that our daughter had told her about having self harm and suicidal ideation.
    You die inside. Every part of you screams out to do SOMETHING, to find a way to remove that pain from your child. You’re a mom. You desperately want to be able to kiss it and make it better. And you can’t.
    You can help them find the tools, and the right help, and maybe even the right medications. You can be there and be part of their first line of defense. But the truth is, you can’t fix what is going on in their brains. You can only help them cope.
    So you hold the hug a little tighter, a little longer. You pray, whether or not you believe in God, for your child to understand how amazing and special and loved and wanted and just everything they are. And you are grateful, so very grateful, for every smile and laugh, but also for every screaming match and fight, just for every moment you have, because it’s a moment you still have.

  • In some cases, there are no signs. There was no note. She wasn’t acting any different. She had been dealing with being bullied and nothing was being done. Our schools don’t have a No Tolerance policy against bullying!
    We were lucky enough to get her to a hospital before any irreversible physical damage was done. Our story is, also, on going.

  • Gonna be honest, you are a stepmother, with your own bio kids most likely. I’m rather surprised you are not jumping for joy at the idea of her death. Most, if not all, stepmothers hate the children from previous marriages and often wish they didn’t exist. They want their husband all to themselves and the bio kids they have had with him.

  • I just ran into my own terror! My daughter is 15 and when she was in 8th grade, i discovered she was cutting. I took her to counseling and nothing good happened cause she wouldn’t open up. She stopped the cutting but just now, I found a note she wrote, addressing each family member and friend that she is just a sad person that can’t live anymore. This was terrifying and i don’t know how to address it since i found it in her dresser while i was cleaning. I will die myself if she commits suicide. Please help!

    • I am having the same experience and am having a difficult time finding help – what I am doing is getting her on medication and into a Life Coaching program to help her get started to LIVE, not to just shut out everything.

  • I get you and really value your honesty. I have an 11 year old who self harms under stress – of anything. She comes frim a stable background and this has hit us like a bolt out of the blue. I value you reaching out as so many post I read concern only the problems of toddlers, not that early childhood problems should not be discussed but there are few posts and blogs that discuss the scary unwitting territory I now find myself in. I scour pages looking for blogs that may give us some pearl of knowledge that allow us to go forward and deal with the situations when they present. My thoughts and prayers are with you as we chart these waters… and hope to god that time and understanding will help both our children become capable adults who can cope.