Dating a Man With a Vasectomy: What People Don’t Tell You

Wannabee BLUNT
Written by Wannabee BLUNT

So let’s be brutally honest here, many first marriages fail. What’s even more shocking? Second marriages with kids involved have an even worse track record. Let that sink in for a minute.

You might be on the verge of getting serious with that guy who has kids or you’re about to get married and officially become a stepmom. Congratulations! But wait, there is one drawback. He’s had a vasectomy.

Some women might not care, you never wanted kids and never expected to have stepchildren. For others, like me, I made damn sure that guy knew that I might want kids of my own someday. Then you have the women who have dreamt of having children since they were little girls.

When you’re dating a guy with kids and a vasectomy, nobody sits you down and asks “do you understand what you’re getting yourself into?’’ So I’m going to lay it out for you.

Ladies, there are a few things to keep in mind,

He’s had a vasectomy for a reason and might never want kids again. Seriously, this can be the reality of your situation. He doesn’t want to have any more kids. The end. Now it’s up to you to decide whether you are going to stay or leave.

You might not have the money for the reversal surgery. Vasectomy reversal surgeries are expensive and not covered by most health insurance policies. You better start saving now, unless you’re one of the lucky ones who has lots of money stashed away in a savings account, because you’ll need anywhere from $4000 to $8000 in Canada.

The reversal surgery can fail. Don’t get your hopes up. There is absolutely no guarantee the surgery will succeed. Do your research but definitely talk to a doctor who specializes is reversal surgeries. The statistics online are all over the map which is why I don’t give a rat’s ass about any of these so-called “statistics”. There isn’t much I can do about our situation other than pay for the reversal surgery and hope for the best. Whatever happens afterward is out of my control.

People prying. Close friends and random people will love to put their two cents in. Are you having babies? Is he getting the surgery? When you’re a prime baby bearing age people love to ask about your baby making plans.

As a stepmom, These may be some of the typical responses you receive.

  1. You’re still young! There’s no rush.
  2. You already have your stepchildren and got to skip the pregnancy stage and raising babies. You’re so lucky, it’s basically the same thing!

Actually no, having stepchildren is not the same. Have you ever considered that I might want to experience pregnancy myself, waking up at all hours of the night to feed my baby and watch him or her take their first steps?

Endless late night discussions. You’ll have many late night conversations about your family plans. For me, many times these nights end with me saying “I just wish your vasectomy would miraculously fail and bam, I’m pregnant”. This way we wouldn’t have to pay for the surgery and I wouldn’t have to decide if I really want my own kids. I love wishful thinking…

You will have a breakdown. Whether you’re indecisive about it or know for certain your own kids, be prepared to shed a few tears. Deciding whether or not you want to have a baby is an emotional rollercoaster. For example, my husband is on the fence about having another baby. His children are older and as he puts it “I can see the light at the end of the tunnel”. Which I understand, but then I guess you shouldn’t have dated a younger women who warned you she might want kids of her own. Sorry, buddy.

My husband and I approached the topic of Vasectomy Reversal in very different ways. I prefer to not talk about potential baby names, fantasize about the gender or what he or she is going to look like. To my surprise, my husband is the complete opposite.

Cue epic breakdown as I wasn’t ready to talk about these things. I am so worried that the reversal will fail, that I find it very difficult to let myself get excited about things just in case nothing happens.

What helps me with this bleak perspective is that you just never know. Getting pregnant is not guaranteed for anyone, vasectomy reversal or not. Some people just can’t get pregnant.

You’re going to be jealous when you’re reading about that cute couple who got pregnant two months after their reversal surgery. Holy shitballs, and you’re still nervously waiting for the surgery or have been trying for months.

 

About the author: Gina Watson is a wife, stepmom and content creator behind How to Stepmom. In the spring of 2013 she moved from Rotterdam, the Netherlands, to a small town in British Columbia, Canada to live with her, then, boyfriend and his two boys. Essentially, she became a stepmom overnight while leaving her family, friends and support system behind. When she came to the realization that online stepmom support groups lack real positive support and resources were hard to come by, she started sharing her story on How to Stepmom. Gina writes candidly about stepmom life, co-parenting and anything else she feels like on the blog. You can also follow her on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

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Wannabee BLUNT

Wannabee BLUNT

Wannabe's are Guest Authors to BLUNTmoms. They might be one-hit wonders, or share a variety of posts with us. They "may" share their names with you, or they might write as "anonymous" but either way, they are sharing their stories and their opinions on our site, and for that we are grateful.

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3 Comments

  • You chose to marry him. You KNEW he had a vasectomy and you CHOSE to marry him. This problem is all on YOU. You had many opportunities to end this relationship and find a man who DID want children and you didn’t.

    I don’t pity you. You wasted your time moaning about this.

    • Wow, a little harsh. All couples have issues to work out. You don’t always choose who you love. It is for them to work out as a couple but that doesn’t mean her feeling aren’t valid.

  • That is an incredibly harsh comment and it is clear that it was made by someone who has not been faced with this. I was head over heels for my now husband who told me that he had a vasectomy because his ex-wife was pressuring him for another baby. We were only 30 and I was certain that I wanted children.

    What you can’t understand if you aren’t in this position, is that I know I made this choice and I know that ultimately, my husband is enough for me. I WANT more, but you don’t always get what you want. I got what I need – the love of my life. I am hopeful that we will make something work, but regardless of how hard it is and how much of an emotional roller coaster it is, he is worth it.

    Gina – Did you husband have the reversal?