The Cool Mom At The Trampoline Park

Wannabee BLUNT
Written by Wannabee BLUNT

I pride myself on being described as the cool mom by my children. The one who can rock the “mom jeans”.  I can out run all of my kids by distance.  I can nae nae, and you should see me whip.  I SnapChat for streaks and you can find me on Instagram.  So of course it was a no brainer to organize a family outing to the trampoline park. And so one Sunday morning we piled into my mom mobile and hit the road.

Arriving shortly before noon, already committed to the 90 minute time slot online we made our way to the teller for check in and waiver signing.  The cashier looked surprised as I told her “ yes, yes that’s correct, I do want to purchase sky socks for myself as well as all of my children”.  Apparently she was not aware I was a “cool mom”.  I was prepared to do a quick nae nae or dab for her, but saved my kids the embarrassment.  Besides I am 40 and with that comes the understanding that I no longer need to prove anything to anyone.  So I smiled my warm mom smile and snatched the socks from her.

Locking away our personal items and suited up we marched on ready to bounce – the sky was the limit.  Passing rooms filled with children, laughter and presents my nine year old son exclaimed he definitely wanted his next birthday here.  My mind began to plan the logistics of the hour and a half trek each way with a car full of boys, wrestling and making farting noises.  I day dreamed we would travel with a stretch limo and a designated driver named Pierre.  I would sip wine along the way to self medicate.  Rounding the corner we approached a huge area of trampoline separated neatly into squares.  We passed a long line of mom’s watching their small sized jumpers as we made our way to find a patch of trampoline. They smiled at me and I smiled back extra big as I was certain they were recognizing my cool mom status.

I began to jump slowly, warming up, getting my footing.  The lined up moms watched wide eyed with anticipation.  It was only minutes into jumping when the realization came- those smiles had nothing to do with me being a cool mom.  For all of the other moms out there considering attempting the trampoline park, I pledge to you that I will not be the bystander with the big smile and the wide eyes.  I offer you the following pieces of knowledge gained during this adventurous expedition.

Ladies, wear a panty liner.  This might be the most important thing I can say.  Yes I know, you do your kegels.  You have an outstanding pelvic floor – it doesn’t matter.  Maybe I was naive but guess what?  There is something that happens when you mix trampolines and post child bearing bladders.  I think I have figured out that it occurs somewhere in the space between being launched into the air and the return to your feet.  I can only describe it as a cross between having butterflies and the feeling of involuntarily releasing urine from your bladder.  If this isn’t enough to shake your confidence let me add that trampolining is hard work. You sweat.  I promise you that this combination will cause further confusion.  Enough so that I am certain that you will give up your section of trampoline and scurry to the restroom to perform the “check”.  You know ladies what I am talking about.  Maybe it was a cough or sneeze that sent you there in the past. The sit down and pee while peering into your undies examining for leakage check.  If such is found then the sniff test may follow to clarify.  You can avoid this whole scenario with a little forethought, had I known I would have.

When you are a kid, everything turns into a competition and it’s almost guaranteed your children are  going to ask, “please  mom, let’s try this, can you do that?”.  Don’t do it- any of it, and don’t even pause to waste a moment of mommy guilt on it. You are already the cool mom at the trampoline park dammit. It may come as a surprise but  attempting  seemingly harmless  “bum drops” is in fact a high risk endeavor- in my opinion equal to that of skydiving.

If I had to wager a guess I’m pretty certain there  is a 50 percent chance that you and your post child bearing bladder would bounce up off that mat leaving behind a splatter mark far too large to explain as sweat – even with your pantyliner.  This is not a risk worth taking and I am certain it would result in instant loss of your cool mom status, not just at the trampoline park, everywhere.  Lets face it moms, the ability to be jumping without peeing yourself is a stunt within itself.  Give yourself a high five.

With all of this being said this was a fantastic family outing- what a great way to spend time with the ones you love and be active.  There are very few places you can take all of your kids regardless of age and everyone is happy. Of equal importance is leaving with your pride in tow and dry undies and so for all of the other cool moms out there attempting to rock the trampoline park, now you can.
Johanna Goodfellow is mom to three amazing kids, works full time in social work and recently acquired her Batchelor of Social Work. She is an avid hiker and aspiring writer who writes from experience with a universal message.
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Wannabee BLUNT

Wannabee BLUNT

Wannabe's are Guest Authors to BLUNTmoms. They might be one-hit wonders, or share a variety of posts with us. They "may" share their names with you, or they might write as "anonymous" but either way, they are sharing their stories and their opinions on our site, and for that we are grateful.

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